Slipping Away

Everyone’s slipping away.

Cody’s going on his mission soon, and I’m getting scared because right now, I’m allowing myself to be selfish and only think of me.

For today.

He’s going, my second brother Cody, is leaving. Braden was honestly what I considered my brother split from my hip at birth. He understood me and really helped me out on the nights where I just felt alone. Cody’s almost like Braden, except he’s already slipping from me before he’s even left.

Not answering or returning phone calls sucks. I think it’s one of the things I hate the most, when someone is obviously trying to reach out to you and you shove them away… It sucks and I hate it. So Cody, why does it feel like you’re already gone when you’re still here?

I guess I should be angry at myself. I guess I suspect people to see how fragile I am right now, but I don’t really tell people that I am. I expect them to see through the overdone smile, the exaggerated laugh, and the animated jokes that I’m actually hurting.

When I get hurt physically, I laugh. A cut, bruise, scrap, or anything else, I laugh. When I’m sad and angry, I over-do every happy emotion because if I don’t, I might just break down into tears when I really don’t want to.

I hate this feeling, that I can’t trust anyone and that honestly nobody has my back. I hate it so much that I cry myself to sleep some nights because I feel so freaking alone.

Unfortunately for me, the more alone I feel, the more I seem to distance myself. Not that it really matters; nobody’s coming after me anyway.

I think I need to leave Utah. I’ve been dreaming it up, but haven’t had my savings or plans succeed in any shape yet. I really want to go to Seattle, a good distance away and I can just get away from everything. My dissolving friends that once supported me so heavily, the places where bad memories still lie, and from everything familiar and throw myself into something unknown and new that I’ll have to work at thriving instead of dragging myself through life.

I think I just need to get away from everything that’s me. The people I once knew, the places that once contained me, and the familiar faces of those who still judge me.

So please, Seattle, let me save enough money and actually follow through with something I want and possibly need.