Thoughts as Broken as Myself

I'm not single, but I'm not taken.

I am, simply, empty.

I hurt... mainly at night. One person used to always call me goodnight... and now... now, I bid the empty rooms goodnight. I tell my silent phone to sleep well, and I tell myself to not dream.

Dreams tend to hurt more than usual, lately.

I tend to try to forget people when I can't cope with them being gone.

Braden.

Cody.

Brandon.

Forgetting you is the most cowardly thing to do, yet it is the only way I can keep a smile on my face.

Funny, isn't it? To forget the ones that cause you happiness in order to feign your own?

As I say, in life, you build, break, and build again. It's a life long process... whether others break you or if you break yourself...

...

Brandon was able to call from the airport before he flew out to Arizona.

It hurt. It hurt so much. The way we talked of simplicity and joked around and stayed away from all serious subjects or turned them into jokes like we always do.

It hurt... gosh dang it hurt so much.

Yet, I'm so glad I answered, even though it hurt.

...

Everyone tells me I shouldn't wait, or worse, that I won't. What's so bad in wishing for a fairytale? In trying to believe in their existence?

Everyone says I should believe in "happily ever after"... so why are they discouraging me when I think I've found it?

I tell myself that when someone doubts me, I just need to put twice that amount of faith in myself.

Let's just say I have a lot of faith in myself now.

Thanks for the faith Stacey, Mom, Sjanne, and the countless others that have told me and will tell me that my fairytale ended before it began. Thanks for making me chase harder for something that is still so very far away.

...

I'm afraid to forget.

I'm afraid that I'll forget his smell, or his smile, or his laugh. I'm afraid that I won't remember his voice, or the way he talks, or the way his hand feels in mine. I'm afraid I won't remember the jokes he likes or the foods he doesn't. I'm afraid I won't fit in his arms as perfectly as I used to. I'm afraid that he won't be able to be what I call home anymore and I'm afraid that he'll end up alone and keep all his wonderfulness to himself if he doesn't end up with me. I'm not afraid of being alone, but for his sake and for some lucky girl, I hope he marries and has kids that all look like him.

Most of all, I'm afraid that when I see him and when he sees me, we won't know each other at all...

However, if that's the worst that can happen, I'm okay with that.

What's so bad about delaying (or avoiding all together...) marriage?

Or who knows, maybe I'd have him for eternity...

Maybe not.

It's all so questionable right now.

...

I don't know what I believe in, as of religion. I've grown up with a mindset that I am, no matter what I do or no matter what I have done, condemned.

Perfection will never be good enough.

...

I am afraid of change, yet afraid of staying the same... Why can't I just be in a coma for two years??

..

Red is the ultimate color of sadness... someone wise said that... I can't remember who.

...

I am made of marigolds and wormwood. In this bouquet, I hope to add daisies, if it is possible to make it so.

MY FEELINGS IN OTHERS WORDS

My heart was always her's to hold, but sadly never her's to keep..."

"Time together isn't ever quite enough, when you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home." -Owl City

I've caught your hand – I've caught you – but suddenly, somehow, everything was in the way.

"I see your face in strangers on the street, I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep. And in the lime light, I play it off fine, but I can't handle it when I turn off my nightlight. They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me." -Ke$ha "The Harold Song"

"Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow. There's something out there, far from my home, a longing that I've never known..." -Jack from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

"And breathing is a foreign task, and thinking is too much to ask, and you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights." -Dashboard Confessional, The Brilliant Dance

"I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs, but you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue." -Panic! At the Disco

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." -J.E. Jones

"The courses of true love never did run smooth." -Shakespeare

IN MY OWN WORDS...

"I ran through out the skies, But I must awake from this sleep. For a demon from hell, Heaven can't keep." -J.M. Stetson

‎"I was doing fine, I pushed your memory from my head, only to have you rammed forcefully back in. My heart once again cringed, my head once again reels, and all the hidden emotions I once again feel." -J.M. Stetson

‎"She now knows what is worse than dying, and it's being the only one left standing." -J.M. Stetson

‎"Even if I have to become your enemy, I will protect you. I will fight your battles and die for you too. You are the sun in my life. Without you, there would be no point to grace the world with my endless night. So even if you hate me and push me away, Please... just don't die." -J.M. Stetson

"We're all like a lunar phase, we all go through life long change... but what if we could stay the same? If me and you could always be this way, by my side, would you stay or go away?" -J.M. Stetson

The Brilliant Dance

"So this is odd.
The painful realization that all is gone wrong.
That nobody cares at all.
And nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lovers cloths,
And burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn't make it any better,
Does it make it any better?

And the plaster dented from your fist,
In the hall where you had your first kiss,
Reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance,
Where nobody leads at all.
Where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down,
And the ringing from this empty sound,
And keeping you from sleep.

And breathing is a foreign task,
And thinking is too much to ask,
And you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights.

Well this is incredible,
Starving insatiable,
Yes this is love for the first time,
Would you like to think that you were invincible?
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time. "

--Dashboard Confessional

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2HlAAuCvlg

The Meaning of Life

One of the most sought out answers among those who still walk among us. A text message to most of my contacts in my phone brought many answers. You may choose the best among them as your own meaning of life.

42

The meaning of life is to learn that death is not the end, that we will transcend death according to how we live in life.

SEX!

Butter

Love. Finding it, what it is, and what it means to you. Loving that person, loving family, friends, and everyone. But more important... yourself.

Make people happy and have fun!!

To build, break, and build again. However, everytime you shatter, you must rebuild yourself stronger.

To do the best with the one you get! :)

To follow Gods commandments and to achieve everlasting life.

Whatever your heart wants it to be!

To make babies. Duh!

42!

Don't know... there are many reasons.

Meaning is assigned. :) There is no inherent meaning.

42

Cheese.

I would say food, haha! I'm kidding. More like family and friends.

Oh, I want to say sex. :) And if you don't like that, it can be whatever you want it to be. :)

I don't know, if I knew, I'd be happy with mine!

Siren blood curse.

To hear someone say "I love you" and mean it.

Build, Break, and Build Again

The afternoon before Brandon left, he promised he would call me to say good bye.

Too bad he didn't.

I eventually ended up calling him in the morning, only to basically find out he wasn't planning on calling me last night.

...

Ouch.

My heart always feels a bit tighter when I remember this. Was... I not worth calling? Why couldn't I get a reason, or a heads up? Why do I care? I should let him go, right?

Yeah, well for that phone call, we where supposed to decided what "we" where going to do.

So now, I'm holding onto thin words and hidden promises that are half broken.

I haven't bothered to write him. If I do, I think it would be angst, and I don't want to unleash everything that's a blue hot flame inside of me.

No, I think I'll keep caged up for a long time... longer than two years, for all you wondering.

Mainly, I think I'm reacting to all of this with anger, because if I push it aside, I know I'll just be a wreck of tears and mess of snot.

After I hung up with Brandon, I had to catch a bus to work. On this bus, a mentally handicap man was was talking to a girl. I saw in my periphal vision that he pointed at me and said,

"See that girl there? She is beautiful. That girl is beautiful, georgeous she is. So beautiful."

Yeah, that brought back tears into my eyes, (Brandon always answered my phone calls and greeted me with "Hey beautiful) so I bowed my head and started to cry, and suddenly his voice got really quite and said,

"I had a female friend who had a boyfriend break up with her and she was just so sad. It really hurt her. She said her heart felt shattered and she was just so beautiful."

Ha, how did he know how I felt so easily? I would've hugged him if I wasn't so emotionally screwed.

Work was okay. It didn't take my mind off things (I guess people noticed my pink eyes even though my smile was as wide as ever) and wanted to know what was wrong.

A laugh turned them away, but still, the concern in their faces really touched me.

I want to hide away again. A mask of stone doesn't work too well for me. Everyone already knows me as the smiley one, so I will stay that way. Always. I want to lock people out. I think I just need some time to just depend on myself and myself alone.

No boys.

No girls.

No family nor friends.

It's time for me to build, break and build again.

Leaving Fairytales

The sun shone bright,
And my smile was easy to find.
I could laugh again,
And you were always at my side.

I was in a fairytale.

You knew all my sorrows,
My tears where always dried.
You made me smile again,
When all I wanted to do was cry.

I was in a fairytale.

You know me inside out,
You always where so great.
We shared everything,
Until December eighth.

You made my life a fairytale.

You made me happy,
You made me smile.
You made me feel,
You made life worthwhile.

You made my life a fairytale,
But I must awake from this sleep.
For even a demon from hell,
Heaven can't keep.

So I let you go,
And I really cried.
But I always knew,
Our love had an end time.

Our fairytale was beautiful,
Even without a happily ever after.
For all the tears we cried,
We had twice as much laughter.

And as I sit alone in tears I wonder,
Which is worse of these two things?
To leave everything behind,
Or have your everything leave?

Random Tangents as of December 3rd

I have an amazing story plot that I can't get out of my head and can't write down. Suck.

I bought a mouse for my laptop... it's nice to have instead of just the touchy feely one.

I got a taste of acting again... and I'm starving for more.

Thanksgiving was friggin' depressing... I don't have high hopes for Christmas.

I laugh at the gore-y parts in movies... Kinda weird.

Life is a countdown right now... I won't lie. That count down? How many more days I get to selfishly have Brandon. How many days left? Including December 3rd, six.

Brandon and I celebrated our last anniversary together. (A year and two months of our relationship) ...and I cried. He's so sweet. I would hold him for days if I could.

I wish people could read my thoughts. People don't realize how mad I am at them until they ask me if I'm okay and I take all censors off on my "happy girl" act. It's funny when they look like I just slapped them. Verbal slaps always win over physical ones... it's nice to know how well crafted my fakity is.

After December 8th, I'll be depressed... Just a heads up.

I. Need. To. Write.

I am three shades of gray, forever and always.

I work too much and make too little. Debt keeps rising and my hopes for paying it off sooner than later are fading.

I hate Christmas. Too much retail to enjoy what it's really about.

I'm numb, and it sucks. I guess I'm not numb, no, not really numb. More like I have so much on my plate that I just don't see how it could get worse... but it wouldn't be a shocker if it did.

Wow... I'm frigging pessimistic. Sorry. :)

I like the band Broken Toy Airplanes... she's a good singer and reminds me of Owl City. :)

The band PlayRadioPlay! Sings a song that I love called "I am a Pirate, You are a Princess", and in it the song says "Everyone will love us, even Courtney will love us". Courtney heard me listening/singing the song and got really excited when she heard her name... It was too freakin' cute.

Boys make me mad. Don't make fun of me when you barely know me, it's not funny. Rachael can because she's known me since 7th grade and I can whip a comeback at her and we won't take it offensively. I honestly felt bullied tonight by someone who "thinks I'm awesome", yet made fun of me until I wanted to punch his face. It was mean and hurtful and not funny. You made me want to cry, Andrew. What did I ever freakin' do to you?

I need to stop blogging late at night... it's not good for me trying to be optimistic. :)
---
--
-

Song of my Mood...

---
"Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so...

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got"
--Linkin Park, Waiting for the End

-Insert Creative Title Here-

I have a story line in mind that I would love to write.

Well poop, I can't. My Microsoft is still AWOL and I'm still stuck with this plot line running circles in my mind.

Poop.

I would love to spill it all here, but that wouldn't be as awesome as writing it out.

And wow do I want to write it out.

Instead, here is some emo poetry. Lucky you guys...

POETRY

‎"I am calm, I am unmoving. I sit quietly as the world keeps moving. I am hurt, I am broken, but these feelings are unspoken. I smile and hide behind a mask of giggles, yet you know that those are lies. For all you have to do to see me is look me in the eyes. Thank you for being able to do so." -J.M. Stetson

"If my heart could talk to yours, it would sing. It would sing to yours of all my hidden feelings. But if your heart heard mine's solo of love and fret, would yours join mine in a peaceful duet?" -J.M. Stetson

"There's a crack in your heart and I'll be the one to make sure it heals, just don't pull out the sutures I used to stitch it back together again. Please leave the stitches in and take good care of them, for I took them from my heart to use them to heal yours." J.M. Stetson

The last one wasn't too rhym-y, but it was just something that's true.

Things I'm Grateful For

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'll give a run down of the things I'm grateful for.

Shalee Shutt, Joel Nelson, and Sheena Rieche. When all my friends got their mission calls, I was afraid that I would be alone. I'm glad to say I don't think I will be so anymore. Shalee, you're an amazing, beautiful girl who I would take a Snooki punch to the face for any day. You are such a fighter and you better stay that way because the world needs more hardcore girls like us. Joel, you're really a wonderful guy. I hope you're world gets better because you deserve it. I don't think people realize how wonderful you are and how hard your life has been. Sheena, you're so awesome. I've never seen you cry and I think that's freakin' incredible because you've had all the reasons to and yet you still keep a smile on your face. You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. You three don't know how much I love being around you and filming movies and having fun. Thanks for stickin' around so far.

My laptop, which allows to me (usually) write, find and listen to new music, keep in connection to Carissa, and other stuff I take for granted every day. Thanks buddy.

My phone, for keeping me in contact with people. :)

My job, for allowing me to make minimum wage that sometimes enables me to sometimes pay for all the things I need.

Bleach, my favorite cartoon/anime. Is it weird to be thanking an animation? Yes, but I need to. I love watching Bleach, it's like books, where it pulls me from my world and into someone elses. It allows me to forget my life and just think about fantasy things. Thanks for the distraction.

Youtube, for helping me to find new music, watch Bleach, and other videos and to (eventually) post mine as well. Thanks, site of videos.

Cody Bauman and Braden Paulsen. My brothers, I love you. I really freakin' do. I hope when you get back that your lives will be fantastic, whether you keep me as your friend or not. You two are such amazing young men and you deserve only amazing good fortune. You've both caught me when you didn't even know I was falling. You've truly changed my life for good and I hope to keep you in my heart no matter how long I live. Seriously, when I get old and put into a nursing home, there better be a picture of you two on my freakin' bedside table.

Carissa Stetson Lewis, I love skype-ing with you. It's really nice to have someone to talk to at midnight and sleep just won't come.

Music. Thank you music, for inspiring and comforting me. Thank you for being there when no one else was available and for singing my secret feelings out loud. Thank you for having such a great influence on me and always being there.

Writing. Even though I'm on hold from you right now, thank you writing. I'm so glad that I have a way to vent. I'm so grateful that I have a way to let my creativity out and just to have writing in general. Writing paired with music has healed me when nothing else could.

Being alive right now. Because I sometimes don't think I'll make it. Yet here I am, so wow.

Reading. I love reading novels where I can be pulled from my world and into someone else's. I love being able to escape and finding peace in someone eles' life's battles. Thank you reading, so very much.

Christina, Shawna, Amber and Stacey, for putting up with me and reading my emo blog. Thanks sistas. :)

Courtney Lynne Curtis, I love you so very much. Thanks for letting me take you to see "Tangled" and for being such a great little sister. I love you so much, and I'm glad that you're part of my family. You're so much fun and such a bright ray of sunshine. I love you, Miss Lynne.

Brandon Johnson, thanks. Thanks for everything. For being my friend and for now being my boyfriend. I know our time is limited and about to end, but thanks for everything. Thanks for sticking by me and holding me when I cried and not making fun of me for crying at any time in my life. Thanks for laughing with me and being sad with me and being my home. Thanks for teaching me about love and of yourself. Thanks for looking over my weaknesses (there's many) and faults (tons of those too) and still find a way to love me enough to want to give me a good night kiss. Thanks for making me happier than I thought I could be. Thanks for smiling with me and laughing and crying and fighting. Thanks for being my friend, my boyfriend, and home. Thanks for making life beautiful again. Thanks for making me believe that fairy tales exist, even if they have to end on December 8th.

Selfish

I want to be selfish. I want to shout about the injustices that I have to endure like being ignored by people who are supposed to be "close" to me. Like being treated like crap and taking it with a smile. Like getting yelled at for things that are not in my control and just agreeing that it's my fault when it's NOT.

I'm tired of being taken advantage over because people know I will let them. These same people, if I point out ANYTHING they're doing wrong just turn on themselves and start insulting themselves. This is not a fair way to fight, because than I have to console you and say that it's okay and you're not a terrible person. Realize, that you're not a terrible person, but turning the situation on yourself makes it sucky for me. I than have to cheer up the one I'm angry at and can't say what I fully want to because I don't want you to feel like you're horrible (which you're not)... but it IS a horrible way to fight... and I'm tired of it.

I'm annoyed that you don't realize that I'm going through a freakin' lot and a freakin' hard time too. Can you really only see yourself and not others? I understand you're hurting, but I am too, danggit. I know you're hurting, and she's hurting, and they are too, but I'm tired of being the only one not ALLOWED to have other feelings besides bloody happiness.

I'm tired. I'm tired of always being the bad guy and not sticking up for myself and taking all the blame when it's mainly not mine to take. I hate this. I hate not saying anything because I don't want to HURT you like you're hurting ME. I'm tired of being snapped at and talked to in tones that make my heart cringe. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people being so SELFISH. I'm tired of people not realizing that I have freakin' feelings or not caring about them.

I may be made of stone, but I feel too, gosh danggit.


~Inspirations~

‎"Keep your mouth closed and a smile on your face, and you'll find a way to get through every day. Keep a laugh on your sleeve and turn the other check, and find a way to get back at them some day." -J.M. Stetson

"I smile because it's easier than explaining why I am sad."

‎"Ice can melt, and so I'll replace this mask with stone, and everyone will only know the one emotion shown. " -J.M. Stetson

Songs

All the music that plays on my blog (currently) means something. I'll break it down by either person or other wise, lots of detail or none. Here we go.

-My Songs-

-----

#4, Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore

"So you built up a world of Magic,

Because you're real world is tragic,

Yeah you built up a world of magic..."

**My world of magic is writing, where I can just vent.

--

#13, One Last Breath by Creed

"Hold me now,

I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinin',

Maybe six feet, ain't so far down."

--

#14, Bell of the Boulevard by Dashboard Confessional

"Back like you never broke...

Don't turn away,

Dry your eyes, dry your eyes,

Don't be afraid,

Keep it all inside, all inside.

When you fall apart,

Dry your eyes, dry your eyes,

Life is always hard,

For the belle, of the boulevard."

--

#15, Let Go by Frou Frou

"Leave your things behind,

'Cause it's all going on without you...

So let go, so let go.

Mm jump in.

Oh well what're you waiting for?

It's all right,

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

--

#11, Hysteric by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

"No longer, no longer,

What you ask.

Strange steps,

Heels turn black.

The cinders, the cinders,

They light the path.

And these strange steps,

Take us back, take us back."

--

#31, Stronger by Trust Company

"Can you save me?

Or will you fail me now?

It's almost over 'cause your fading out again.

Will you break me,

When you're holding me down?

I will escape you and I will,

I'll push you closer to the ground!

'Cause you're the one that's going down!

I am, stronger now!

Since you crawled away, so far away."

--

#33, Above the Wreckage by Dishwalla

"Watch her rise above the wreckage,

See her fly through glass.

See the world spin 'round again, again, again and again and...

Graceful arms, bent and broken,

Where meant for something more.

Don't waste your beautiful, your beautiful life...

Surrender for the last time.

-Those I'm Losing-

-----

#9, Savior by Rise Against

"I don't hate you,

but I just want to save you

while there's still something left to save."

--

#16, Koyoi, Tsuki ga Miezutomo by Porno Graffitti

Tonight, where does the moon shine on?

From the sky covered in thick clouds.

Tonight, who are you embraced by?

Or are you going to cry alone in the rain?

**(Sung in Japanese)

-My War Songs-

-----

#3, Ichirin no Hana (Huge Hollow Mix) by High and Mighty Color

"You are the only "you",

There is no such thing as your replacement,

Don't wilt away, single flower.

I'll accept all of your pain and suffering,

So please don't cry,

Please smile, single flower."

**(Sung in Japanese)

--

#5, Time of Dying by Three Days Grace

"On the ground I lay,

Motionless, in pain.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes...

Wake me up,

I'm living a nightmare..."

--

#26, Gifts and Curses by Yellowcard

"I see your face with every punch I take,

And every bone I break,

It's all for you.

And my worst pains are words I cannot say,

Still I will always fight on for you."

-My Close Friends-

-----

#2, Rain by Breaking Benjamin

"We are never sad,

'cause we are not allowed to be."

--

#8, Cat and Mouse by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

"Am I supposed to be happy?

When all I ever wanted,

It comes with a price."

--

#18, Run by Snow Patrol

"Light up, light up,

As if you have a choice,

Even if you cannot hear my voice,

I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder.

And we'll run for our lives,

I can hardly speak I understand,

Why you can't raise your voice to say."

--

#20, Run Devil Run by Girls Generation

"You better run, run, run, run, run.

I'll come back even better and get revenge,

Don't forget it."

**Sung in Korean.

--

#22, Madi, Don't Leave by PlayRadioPlay!

"It takes a lot to phase me,

I'm pretty stable, I'm pretty sane,

But I'm looking at my future,

And God to I have to loose her?"

**I think of my missionaries during this song...

--

#27, Firework by Katy Perry

"You don't have to feel,

Like a waste of space.

You're original,

Cannot be replaced...

Maybe a reason why,

All the doors are closed,

So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road...

'Cause baby you're a firework,

Com'on show 'em what you're worth!

Make 'em go 'Oh, oh, oh!'

As you shoot across the sky!"

-My Past-

-----

#24, Mr. Brightside by PlayRadioPlay!

"Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine,

Gotta gotta be down because I want it all.

It started out with a kiss,

How did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss, It was only a kiss."

--

#28, She is the Sunlight by Trading Yesterday

"And I will take this life of regret,

For my heart to learn to forget.

And tomorrow will be,

As it always has been."

#29, Black Balloon by The Kills

--

"Elevator straight into my skull,

The escalator rises as it falls.

I swear our jet is crashing in my mind,

You can hold on but I wouldn't waste your time...

Farewell my,

Black balloon.

(let the weather have it's way with you)

Farewell my,

Black balloon."

-Brandon-

-----

#1, The Only Exception by Paramore

"Well maybe I know somewhere,

Deep in my soul, that love never lasts.

And We've got to find other ways,

To make it alone, or keep a straight face...

I've got a tight grip on reality,

But I can't let go of what's in front of me here,

I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up,

Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream..."

--

#7, Pieces by Red

"I've lost so much along the way.

Than I'll see your face,

I know I finally yours,

I find everything,

I thought I'd lost before,

You call my name,

I come to you in pieces,

So you can make me whole."

--

#17, You Could be Happy by Snow Patrol

"You could be happy,

I hope you are.

You've made me happier than I'd been by far.

And somehow everything I own,

Smells of you.

And for the tinest moment, It's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to.

Without me there to hold you back,

Don't think just do.

More than anything I want to see you go,

Take a glorious bite of the whole world."

**He's leaving for his mission soon...

--

#19, Breathe in Breathe out by Mat Kearney

"If everyone goes away,

I will stay.

We push and pull,

And I fall down sometimes.

But I'm not letting go,

You hold the other line.

'Cause there is a light,

In your eyes, in your eyes."

--

#21, You are the Moon by The Hush Sound

"You don't see what you posses, beauty calm and clear.

If floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier.

All the light that you posses is skewed by lakes and seas,

The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe.

I will bring a mirror, so silver so exact.

So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass.

I will set the mirror out, to face the blackened sky.

You will see your beauty every moment that you rise."

--

#23, Even Fairytale Characters Would be Jealous by PlayRadioPlay!

"Everything I said last night when we where in the car

Telling you I knew, I knew, I knew we would make it far,

Everyone in this town will see,

Someone like you can be with someone like me.

Even fairytale characters will be jealous."

--

#25, Awake and Alive by Skillet

"It's getting harder to stay awake,

And my strength is fading fast.

You breathe into me at last.

I'm awake, I'm alive,

Now I know what I believe inside.

Now it's my time.

I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life.

Here. (right here) Now. (Right now)

Stand my ground and never back down.

I know what I believe inside,

I'm awake and I'm alive.

--

#30, A Year Without Rain by Selena Gomez

"I'm missing you so much,

Can't help it I'm in love,

A day without you is like a year without rain.

I need you by my side,

Don't know how I'll survive,

A day without you is like a year without rain.

--

#32, The Saltwater Room by Owl City

"Time together is never quite enough,

When you and I are alone I've never felt so at home.

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?

We need time, only time.

When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?

If this is what I call home why does it feel so alone?

So tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?

All the time, all the time.

---

--

-

Sorry this is spaced all funny, Blogger really sucks sometimes... Grr.

Write it Out.

It's time to write out my thoughts.

Marissa, we used to be so close... than I saw you on Friday and I realized I didn't even know who you where. You're a stranger to me, and what sucks more is that I try to be there for you. Unfortunately, to be there for you, you have to want me to be there for you. Other wise, I'm just in the way. I get it, I'll leave you alone. I'll bow out of your life and I wish the best for you because even though you don't really care about me and you don't really see how everything can work out, I do. I hope you will see how everything will work out too.

Mom, I'm lost. Sometimes, you're my mom. You're compassionate and caring. Other times, you're my demon. I can't say anything right and I'm doomed for failure. Ha, and they call me two faced.

Megan, you're foreign to me as well... what happened? I was okay with you being controlling and bossy, because that's who you where. Now, I don't know you at all, and somehow, no matter how I try to tell myself that it's okay, I know it's not.

Kayla, I still hate you, because the only alternative to hating you is loving you and I can't get screwed over like this again. I can't be in so much pain and hide it for so many years just to have it explode in my face like this. I don't want to get hurt by you. I don't want to smile fakely and feign friendship for you when all I want to do is break your face. I want to scream at you and beat you up and tell you all the things that I still keep locked up and let you see a molecule of the banshee that's yet to be free. So honestly, be glad I'm ignoring you instead of doing the first mentioned idea.

Cody, I haven't written you yet. I'm sorry, I'm just waiting for something good to happen or to write you when I'm in a good mood so I don't write you a letter of bad news and angst.

Connor, you wear the pants in the house and know it... so why do you have to always make me feel so small? I can't say anything, because than mom calls me immature for giving into your antics. She doesn't understand that I fight back not because I'm getting onto your maturity level, but because I won't allow myself to get walked over by you.

Braden, the same is for you as it was for Cody. I haven't written and you probably think I'm a horrible person... that I've forgotten you and don't care. Braden Paulsen, these things are wrong, and I'm sorry that I've probably left you this impression... Truth is, I don't know what to say other than I miss you, and life is harder without talking to you all night long once a month.

Jessica, Rachel, Ashley, you make/made work bearable for me when I really don't even want to get out of bed, let alone go to work just to get yelled at. You laugh at all my stupidity and make me genuinely smile when all I want to do is go into the stockroom by the towels and cry. (not like it hasn't happened before...) But you girls make going to work semi okay, even though you think I'm the happiest person ever.

Rachael, please stop dating the same guy with a different face. The guys who start nice and end sour. If you want to get married or find a nice guy, try a different type... just stop getting hurt so I have to hear the same routine... As much as you hate experiencing it, I hate not being able to say anything to change it. Only you can, so please do.

Shalee, Joel, Sheena, I'm sorry. I'm sorry our movie team is having social difficulties. I hate disagreements and hope everything works out. I hope our power struggle will end soon and we can be friends again.

Shawna, Christina, Amber, Cole, Stacey, Carissa, I should call more. I should write more. Shoo, I should keep in better contact, but I don't. Because why? Because I'm a selfish jerk who'd rather suffer than be happy and actually change something. Sorry about this.

Mitch, I honestly can say I hate what you've become. From being my best friend to a ghost from my past, I hate you. I tried to keep in contact with you, but like Marissa, I just wasn't important enough to keep in your life. The worst part? I told you exactly how I felt and you didn't care. I'm sorry I did.

Toaster, I miss having you here with me. It's nights like this, when I want to do things I know I shouldn't and just need someone to cuddle with that I miss you. My fwoppy eared mm good bunnie, I love you... and I'm sorry that I used you like a tissue... you got so wet on those lonely nights from stupid crying... When I die, you can get sopping wet and I'll still hold you... than maybe we'll call it even.

Brandon, I'm sorry I hyperventilated around your family last time we where around them... at least they couldn't tell, even if you (unfortunately) could. I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but everything is a bit screwed up right now in my mind. Can you tell I'm not exactly happy? I feel... dang, I don't even know. I just feel impassive, and that makes my mind wonder to things that I shouldn't think about... if only I wasn't so scared to tell this to you. No, I'd rather not tell you and just let you enjoy video games and friends... life is easier behind a mask... you proved that with your own.

Me... Did this help? I'm not happy, yet I'm not sad. Everything is in three shades of gray. Nothing more, nothing less. Some moments are happier than others while some are more depressing, but everything eventually goes monotoned again. I think this helped, it listed my thoughts and laid out my feelings... even if they're still a bit jumbled. I can breath at least... and right now, that's all that matters.

-POEM-

"My life is in three shades of gray.
Three personalities that always stay the same.

For if I step outside the boundires of the three,
I'll step into someone, I wouldn't know was me.

And if I had to look her in the eyes,
I might just loose my crafted disguise.

Because if I loose my mask of stone,
I wouldn't know who I am anymore."

-J.M. Stetson

Empty

I feel empty and I don't know why.

I would write a poem, or story, or vent, or journal, or just freakin' something, but as of current, when Best Buys "fixed" my computer, they also got rid of my Microsoft program and it honestly makes me want to cry right now because I just need to write or else I might loose it.

I vent through writing, whether an over dramatic poem or a short story, I just write out what I feel. Right now, I don't know why I feel so empty or alone, but I know that if I wrote I would find the cause and I'd feel better.

But danggit, I don't have a writing program besides email and blog.

Suck.

I need to write, the lack of it is making my head implode.

I never knew how important writing was to me until it was taken away from me for the past three weeks.

Suck.

Any ideas on how I can get my writing program back? I'm afraid to go to Best Buys again in case they screw up my computer more or they just refer me to the actual Microsoft program. (good luck getting to them...)

So basically, I am tied up until I get a writing program again. Yes, I could hand write, but that never works well...

Suck.

I. Need. To. Write.

---

--

-

-RANDOM INSPIRATIONS-

"I feel ugly, I feel worthless.
Cast aside on a whims notice."

"I should've told you how it hurt,
How a thousand knives went through my heart."

"She keeps a smile on her face,
So nobody knows of the scars she makes."
(This one was in honor of the day "To Write Love on her Arms", a group for awareness on self mutilation.)

"He did a tango with my heart,
and when it came to the final dip,
He left me for a girl,
Who couldn't even do a two step."

All by J.M. Stetson

The One Left Behind

I have three best friends.

Braden Paulsen.

Cody Bauman.

Brandon Johnson.

They're the three people in the entire universe that know almost all there is to know about me.

While all of them may not know all the same things about me, I would count them as family, if it where so allowed.

I have three best friends.

Braden.

Cody.

Brandon.

The three un-related men in my life that I would die for, no questions asked.

Braden and Cody have been with me the longest and are my brothers that God couldn't fit into my family. Brandon has carried me when walking was no longer possible and no one else would give me a shoulder to lean on.

I have three best friends.

Paulsen.

Bauman.

Johnson.

Three men that have been with me through times of laughter, joy, happiness, hope, memories, and muffin wars.

Three guys that have stood by me through rumors, gossip, tears, depression, hurt, and devastation.

I have three best friends.

Braden Paulsen.

The man who kicks my butt into gear and knows exactly how to do it. The one where conversations can range from school days to the meaning of life and singing Phantom of the Opera over the phone. The one who's quick to humor, slow to open up, and even slower to forget.

Cody Bauman.

The man who has a shoulder for me to cry upon no matter how close or distant we have been. The man who has a word of advice to fix everything. The one who forgave me after the terrible, horrible things I did to him, and that alone surely seals the deal on his way to heaven.

Brandon Johnson.

The man who's changed my perspective on life in the short time I've known him. The one who knows what makes me laugh and just the words to pull my heartstrings (or rip them out all together). The one who makes me keep going just one more day. The man that understands me and who caught me when I fell.

I have three best friends.

Three men who impacted my life more than anything else has up to these short nineteen years.

The three men who made me keep going when everything said to stop and who I've let down multiple times, yet they still have some hope always on hand for me.

Three missionaries who have experienced everything with me.

Until now.

I have three best friends.

Elder Paulsen.

Elder Bauman.

Elder Johnson.

Three men that will go forth and preach and convert the lost.

Three boys who have impacted my life so much, that it's no question that they will impact those they will meet.

Three men who have taken the first steps away from me...

Those three men and this one girl have reached a fork in the road.

I am Janaye Stetson.

I have had these three men to help me through everything.

And now, I will soon have none of them.

I am Janaye.

I have cried so many times over these three men.

I have laughed twice as much with them as well.

I am Stetson.

I have not been through nearly enough to be worthy for being in the presence of these three men.

I have hope that one day I will be able to see them still as my best friends.

I am Janaye Stetson.

I am the one left behind.

"Three men and I in battle fought side by side.
We slayed each others foes, and never would depart.
Now I battle alone.
Their names are my battle cry.
Their memories carved on my heart."
--J.M. Stetson

Things I Now Know

I can't handle "bad" emotions. I'm terrible with them.
--
Everyone says I'm not fat, but I should be thinner.
--
I get sick to my stomach every time I think of a past situation.
--
Actions scream louder than whispered words.
--
I cried three days straight... and I was doing so well... compared my record has been two and a half weeks up until Thursday.
--
Danggit.
--
I like the band PlayRadioPlay!
--
If you delete your Facebook, everyone freaks out, which is stupid.
--
I honestly think life would be better if people didn't have so many emotions. The more emotions there are, the more confusing everything gets.
--
I learned to feel love, hate, sadness, forgiveness, disappointment, abandonment, hurt and jealousy all at the same time. I wish I could have gone without this lesson of emotion.
--
In the show I cosplayed from, Rukia fights monsters called Hollows. Hollows where once normal people's souls who where abandoned or held too much grief/pain and became monsters. I think I'd be defined as a Hollow right now.
--
I never want to get married. I take back saying that I do, and just won't find anyone. I've decided to never marry unless it be arranged. Find me some good guys, sisters.
--
At work, my mask is perfect. Even while feeling so freakin' terrible, I can smile, laugh, and joke around people. They never notice anything is wrong.
--
I miss old habits so bad. So, so, so, so, SO very freakin' bad.
--
I think I'm an idiot.
--
When your heart fights your brain, neither will ever win. Your brain is logical and tells you to do what's it thinks is best. Your heart is emotional and tells you to do what it thinks is best. When they collide, you bet your bottom you're screwed. As the saying goes, "Danged if you do it, danged if you don't."
--
Relief Society and ward missionaries are terrible. Their job is to poke and prod confidential information out of you until you feels SO uncomfortable that you want to scream. It makes going to church a LOT less enjoyable. They need to learn to BACK. OFF.
--
I want to help one of my friends, but I don't think she'll let me... Suck.
--
People are selfish, and always will be... which makes it so much harder for people who aren't to put up with their stupidity.
--
I like screamo... but I'd rather scream myself hoarse right now just so I could get it out of my system. Unfortunately, I can't do this without cops being called... or so I would assume. No, screaming into a pillow doesn't work. I need to hear it. Maybe for Christmas, I want a soundproof room.
--
I need to save money. A month ago, mom suggested I moved back home for a few months to do so. When I asked if I could take her up on her offer, she said no. Thanks mommy.
--
I'm glad that people have good news. I like to know at least some one's okay in this world.
--
Correction: I want to smash things and scream. That sounds like a more fun combination.
--
It's almost four in the morning and I still can't sleep... Suck.
--
I don't believe in true love. In fact, I doubt "love" exists completely.

Rules of Thugs

So, I found this list online called "Rules of Thugs" and thought it was so awesome (mainly, because I follow these rules) that I needed to post them on my blog. Here ya go.

RULES OF THUGS

Rule 1: Greetings

The act of warning an opponent consists of attacking and/or destroying a non-vital area on that enemy's person. Losing an arm is the equivalent of someone walking up to you and saying, "Yo, let's rumble." Losing an eye is a little more insulting than that if only due to the fact that in the universal language of thugs, its value as a greeting almost always translates to something along the lines of, "Hi there. I could've killed ya just now, ya stupid moron."

Rule 2: Priorities

To a thug, dying isn't considered as big a tragedy as running out of beer. The logic behind this ordering of priorities is as follows: if you're dead, you definitely don't need anymore beer. But if you're out of beer, obviously, you need more beer. Hence, the tragedy.

Rule 3: The High Road

Thuggery has no discrimination based on physical appearances. If a toy poodle beats up a Rottweiler, it's because the toy poodle is more thug than the Rottweiler, no matter how freakin' ridiculous toy poodles look.

Rule 4: Goin' Old School

An eye for an eye is perfectly valid, unless you can get an ear instead. Because while eye-patches look cool, a guy walkin' around with only one ear is freakin' hilarious. And a great story.

Rule 5: Honor

The difference between killing and murdering is whether or not you can look the other guy in the eye as he dies. Make sure you know his name.

Rule 6: Categories

Calling a fellow mate "Idiot" means you like him (in a manly way).

Calling an outsider "idiot" means you might like him. Or you're gonna cut his eye out by way of greeting, depending on whether he took your beer or not.

Calling an enemy "idiot" is a sign to your fellow mates that you're gonna beat the crap outta the idiot. Your idiot friends will accordingly position themselves around the room so that the enemies idiot friends (other idiots) won't try to screw with you while you mess up (or get messed up by) that first idiot. Capiche?

Rule 7: Women

Don't hit 'em. Unless they hit you first, and even when they do, don't hit 'em in the face. 'Cuz as big a jerk as she is for hittin' you first, it's 100 guaranteed that her face is better lookin' than yours, ya ugly moron.

If she hits you in the balls it's a different story altogether.

Rule 8: Daily Life

Do what makes you happy—some jerk could kill you tomorrow, and then what?

Rule 9: Battle

Never interfere in someone else's fight. Sometimes dying just happens.

Rule 10: Stories

Brag freely... But back that stuff up.

Rule 11: Pride

Fight for your own sake—it's always more fun if you can smile and mean it when you draw your weapon.

Rule 12: Training

You can sit around practicing how you're gonna hit fake, stationary targets all day if you want, but the best way to test your own ability will always be going out and fighting.

Whether you walk away or not is always a great place to start working from.

Rule 13. Paperwork

All you really gotta do for an acceptable report is write your name, who you killed, what time ya killed them at, and where. If the report needs to include any sort of explanation as to why you lost, don't bother sendin' it in, Everyone already knows and is in the process of figurin' out a way to make you pay for it, ya freakin' eyesore.

Rule 14: Family

Family has nothing to do with blood.

Family is the guy who elbowed you in the gut, planted your face into a pile of dirt and dislodged three of your molars while you drop-kicked him across the yard, broke his nose, and bruised his ribs- all right before he gave you a hand up and you leaned on one another as you stumbled towards the mess hall together, because you both suddenly remembered that it's your guys' night to set the table for dinner and you don't want anyone to catch you slacking.

Rule 15: Death

When you die, make sure you look the guy who beat you right in the face and tell him your name.

---

--

-

Okay, so obviously, these aren't the EXACT rules I follow, but their close. ;) anyway, I thought it was funny, yet kind of bittersweet at the same time. THUGS FOR LIFE!!

ANIME BANZAI!!!!!

Okay, so this happened during the second weekend in October, but I'm only posting it now because I've been SO busy and SO stressed... and it's going to be (for the first time in a while) a HAPPY post, as well as SUPA LONG!

---

FIRST!! Definitions! You'll need these to understand half the post. :)

Anime (Anne-eh-may): Japanese cartoons.

Manga (Mon-ga): Japanese comic books.

Cosplay (cause-play): When a person dress up like their favorite anime characters.

Cosplayers (cause-play-ers): A person/people in cosplay.

Bleach (Be-leech): The anime/manga we cosplayed from.

---

Next, maybe you should know what Anime Banzai is. Basically, it's a geek party. Kind of like Comic Con, but with Anime. They have a lot of events, anime watching, a gaming room, performances done by cosplayers, and a lot, a lot, a LOT of other stuff. Plus, they had this HUGE FREAKIN' ROOM dedicated to buying AMAZING stuff! (It was bigger than a high school gym with too much I wanted to buy...)
---

So I'm not that big into anime, but I have a friend (Joel) who is. So he convinced me and Brandon to go to Anime Banzai because he heard Brandon and I where dressing up as our favorite anime characters anyway. :) So we already had the costumes (AND OUR SWORDS!!) and decided to go. :) :) :)

---

IT WAS A BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!
---

When me and Brandon got there, we where surprised. We'd never been to an Anime Convention and it was huge with tons of geeks like us! Unfortunately, however, Brandon and I aren't the biggest Anime watchers. (We've only watched the anime our characters where from) so we didn't get a lot of cool geeking out over other cosplayers.

---

But dang did people freak out about us.
---

First, let me give you a description of who we went as.

---

In our show, Bleach, there is the lead good guy and lead good girl. The guy is named Ichigo Kurosaki and the girl is Rukia Kuchiki. Both have swords and fight and are awesomely hard core. Ichigo is over a foot taller than Rukia and (mainly) everyone and their dog wants them to become a couple before the series end.

---

So just guess how many people thought it was so cute how we walked around holding hands. (A lot) and the fact that everyone told us that we looked just like them made them freak out even more.

---

Let's just say I felt like we were famous and had a million paparazzi!! We were stopped every five steps to have a picture taken of us. A lot of the people thought it was "So cute!" that we where actually dating because a lot of people want Ichigo and Rukia to get together by the series end. (Me included!!)

---

Anyway, Brandon and I quickly learned that in order to get from one end of the hall to another, we would have to leave a half hour before our pre-determined arrival.

---

Seriously, we probably have 300+ people with pictures of us on their cameras in two days and being there for six hours each day. It was pure craziness. (But fun craziness)

---

So the shopping center (known as the Dealers Room) was full of amazing anime merchandise, cosplay, and some Japanese snacks. I splurged and bought a messenger bag with my character on it because it was awesome and Brandon bought me a wallet with one of my favorite boy characters. (Not the one he was cosplaying, sadly. Haha!)

---

Actually, we just bought a lot.

---

Our favorite snacks: A soda drink called Ramene'. (Rah-mah-nah) and they had way cool flavors like strawberry, (our favorite) melon, (meh) clear, (ew) and a few others. Our favorite snacks where Hi-Chews, Hello Pandas, and I don't know what they're called, but they're FREAKIN' AMAZING!!! They're salty rice crackers with frosting on them and I'm freakin' addicted... I almost cry myself to sleep because I ate all of mine... )': (Hehe, just kiddin'!)

---

Basically, we just had fun and enjoyed walking around, being famous, and having a blast. :) At the time, I was so tired of pictures, but now I kinda miss being so famous. :) But I was glad I went and had so much fun, some people even said they did a double take on me because they though she'd actually come to life. (I was very proud of that statement)
---

SO, now it's time for pictures. I'll show a few of our characters so you can compare them to us on how alike (or not) we look like them. I don't really have any full length ones (most of the ones with just me and Brandon where taken by me) and so the ones I have are with other people from our show.
---
ENJOY!

Rukia Kuchiki, the person I cosplayed. She is short with black hair, a stray bang across her face, and purple eyes. I wanted a picture with her sword, because I have it too. :)

Sorry for the back light! I had to take it myself and the other ones I took were not so good! :( But you can see my purple contacts in the other pictures. :D

Ichigo Kurosaki, the lead man Brandon cosplayed. Through a series of events, he gets that amazing mask. I wanted this picture because not only does it show the sword Brandon carried around (It's taller than me!) BUT the mask he made, which Brandon has in some pictures.

One of the two pictures I have of Brandon alone. Don't worry, there's lots with both of us. :)

Brandon's mask + my purple eyes = awesome. Pure awesome.

Us fighting... a lot like our characters in our show. :)

Although the anime characters we portray are very serious, we, however, are not. :P
The hilts of our swords... and my purple eyes again. :) I'm very proud of them. :)
I'm standing on tip toe to see Brandon eye to eye... hehe...
Brandon and I posing with others who cosplayed from our show. Brandon's sword is touching the ground and mine has a 4 1/2 long ribbon on it... it looks awesome when I spin it. :)
Oops, I put up a picture with this Cosplayer's eyes closed... eh-hehe... Oh well, we still look cool at least. :D
More cosplayers from our show, and our awesome outfits all revealed. :) I plan to take a photo shoot in mine and Brandon might too if he wants. :)
---
--
-

Well, there's the most of it! I could tell you more, but that would lead to this blog post being five times longer. :) Let me know what you thought of my nerd party and all my crazy pictures!!

Denial

I just told you something and you just totally denied all of it, though it is true... at least from what I know. Are you a doctor with a degree and many years of experiance?

Freakin' no you are not.

I feel hurt. I feel like a flicker of a candel that tried so long and hard to burn just got blown out.

I feel empty, I guess. Annoyed is my next feeling.

I don't want to admit it, but hurt is one of the strongest emotions right now.

The crying chart is doing better, even if I'm not.

Like I said, it's time to rebuild that mask of stone and ice.

Broken Thoughts

I laugh at the horrible things in life because if I take it seriously, it just might break me.
--
Sometimes, I wish I had someone to tell everything about myself to. Than I remember how much hurt it just causes in the end.
--
I don't think I'll ever be able to tell one person everything.
--
I love Halloween more than Christmas because unlike Christmas, I'm not forced to be cheery. That, and Christmas is too much retail, not enough thought/pondering.
--
I honestly and completely think I'll live alone for the rest of my life. I will always be Janaye Mary Stetson and that by it's self. It's not that I wouldn't like to get married, but the fact that I honestly don't think someone could handle me for "forever", let alone I'd be able to tell one person everything without them walking away.
--
I always expect the worst, so I don't have to have crushed hope... yet somewhere deep in my mind, I hope for the best... which always leads to me getting crushes me anyway.
--
I honestly don't think true love exists.
--
Out of the four days on my "No Crying Chart", I'm at a fifty-fifty split.
--
I didn't smile at work for a half hour. I think I had every supervisor ask if I was okay and every other employee ask what was wrong. I slip my mask off for a half hour and everyone notices. I know I should be proud of my sham, but I am.
--
I don't think poetry about happiness or love is made with real emotion... every time I read it, it always feels so fake.
--
I get re-pissed when I think about the stupidity of my Kindergarten to Senior years of school.
--
Sorcerers Apprentice sucked.
--
I want to edit so bad, yet can't.
--
I would love to be a make-up artist.
--
I get such high standards put to me. Go to college, get all A's, get an amazing job. When I fail at these, the expectations and hopes people have in me decrease dramatically. Go to a trade school, pass the classes, get an okay job.
--
I wish I could be an actress. I told one person this, and she told me they would make me a porn star. I realized this could be true, and I now curse the world and movie industry that half the women on the big screen are there for eye candy.
--
I can't say anything at mom's house. I either get lectured or make her break into tears.
--
I found a way I can avoid all of life's problems: Die young. Unfortunately, this is not my first option.
--
I sometimes wish my friends could see through my stupid fake smiles, but I have to remind myself about the last time they saw I had emotion other than happiness.
--
Sometimes I wonder why everyone can loads of emotions but me.
--
I hate being happy when someone else is whining over something so little. 'I really don't care if you lost your gum, I am freakin' dealing with more than just gum.'
--
I don't see why people ask me for money. I get $7.50 an hour at work and have to pay $275 for rent, food, and a $60 phone bill. Why the heck are you asking me for money when you live at home and have a job???
--
I hate how my emotions are so two-faced. One is the genuine happy and hyper one. This is the one I have around people. Alone, however, I am completely different.
--
I didn't realize how much I cried until I started this calender. I realized while making it, that I've cried 5/7 days every week this month. Either I'm too emotional or I have too much crap.
--
I miss Marissa. We used to be so close, and now I don't think she really cares. I understand, she has a life, I don't.
--
I miss Mitch so freakin' bad. We also used to be close, and now he blows me off like I'm nothing. I think that hurts almost more than anything I've ever known.
--
I smile, because it's easier than explaining why I'm sad.
--
I don't think Brandon loves me anymore.
--

-Songs-

"Time stands still.
Pictures fade to black.
Feeling the chill,
Love is tearing up my back...
I know that you must agree,
The real possiblity,
Of you and me,
Will slip right through my fingers..."
-Condition of Desperation by Randy Porter

"Breathe in, breathe out.
Tell me all of your doubts.
Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same...
If everyone goes away,
I will stay.
We push and pull.
And I fall down sometimes.
And I'm not letting go..."
-Breathe In Breath Out by Mat Kearney

"What do you do,
When you're life's a disaster,
And you're moving faster,
And it's getting harder to breathe?"
-Decipher Reflections from Reality by PlayRadioPlay!

Jealous

Four men fell in love with her.
One got to keep her heart.
All four had a chance with her,
Three fell apart.
---
The first, her high school sweetheart,
Was with her for five years.
The two were quite happy,
But it all ended in tears.
---
While crossing the street,
She ran ahead and smiled back at him.
He ran to her, but didn’t see,
The bus that ended him.
---
The diamond on her finger,
Felt heavy and so cold.
As his last breath, he told her,
To keep growing old.
---
Four men fell in love with her.
One got to keep her heart.
All four had a chance with her,
Three fell apart.
---
The second man, her dealer,
Gave her drugs to drown the pain.
She lost her first love and found solace,
In speed and Novocain.
---
And just one night, so close to dying,
She asked him for some more.
He shook his head, turned away,
And left her screaming at his door.
---
They started living together,
And she quit the drugs.
They built a house and a life,
And she thought she again found love.
---
But once again, fate came down,
And took her love again away.
He had done some unforgivable crimes,
And was now to die the next day.
---
So before the cop inserted the needle,
That was to take his life,
He looked her in the eyes,
As the injection stole his sight.
---
Alone again, she swore to herself,
That love can never again happen.
But who would’ve known
What terrible cycle that she was trapped in.
---
Four men fell in love with her.
One got to keep her heart.
All four had a chance with her,
Three fell apart.
---
He had hair the color of fire,
And a personality to match.
But the mutual friendships of the two,
Was soon to be detached.
---
One night he confesses,
His feelings aren’t just friendly.
And she can only respond with,
That she too love him romantically.
---
But he had tuberculosis
And he was on his last leg of life,
So humbly he asked her,
To please become his wife.
---
She knew that taking his ring,
So different from the first,
Wasn’t just a marriage proposal,
But to be by his side as he faced the worst.
---
So the two finally wed,
And lived well for a while.
Until he ended up in a hospital bed,
And died with a smile.
---
Alone again, but smiling now,
She knew she was going to fly.
For she had kissed her husband,
And had his disease to die.
---
So when a man in black,
Comes to her to have her say farewell,
She laughs at his statement,
And says she knows his face well.
---
“You drove the bus, into the man who loved me first.
You stood in the room, when they killed the second.
You kissed the third into death, at the hospital.
Now you’re here for me, for I’ve always known that I was never alone.”
---
Humbled by her speech,
Death tells her to be calm.
He then takes her hand and runs,
His fingers down her palm.
---
“The first, the second, the third,
Will I ever see them?”
She asks with a pure question,
So close to being dead.
---

Half angered, half amused,
Death shakes his head no.
How could she not understand,
That he was a jealous soul?
---
She smiles and dies within his arms,
Her body is now empty.
He stands and takes her hand in his,
And together start their journey.
---
Four men fell in love with her.
One got to keep her heart.
All four had a chance with her,
Three fell apart.

---

--

-

I wasn't creative, I read a story (10,000+ words long) online and it inspired me to write a poem (-1,000 words long) about it. If you want, I will email you the AMAZING story that I find so angst-y, yet so amazing (though I ruined the end for you) if you like. Just let me know and I'll send it off.

Also, this kind of sucked, because I wrote it at three in the morning... and couldn't think of a title for it, so it's simply known as "Jealous".

Obvious Lies

---

“Is he important to you?”

--
“Yes he is, very much so.”

--

“Awh, that’s cute. Has he ever hurt you?”

--

“He doesn’t know it, but yes, he has, many times.”

--

“Are you okay, even after all of that?”
--

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

--
“No you’re not, your heart’s all messed up. Too bad too, it was a good one.”

---

Why don’t people ever notice that? When your heart gets all screwed up and broken, stitched back together, and shattered again? Why can’t people look past the fake and crummy smiles and all the stupid laughs that were never real? Is it really hard to notice when someone’s smile doesn’t reach their eyes or their laugh sounds forced, fake, or hollow?

Am I that hard to read? When I apologize for something that I never should’ve had to, do I sound sincere? When I laugh off a trouble, do I sound happy? When I smile at you, do I look ecstatic?

It may be because I’m going through a depression stage, or so I assume, but I feel so fake. I feel so forced. Everything is planned down to the very smile. Because to many people that I know, Janaye can’t be sad. Janaye can’t get angry over stupid things. Janaye can’t act girly in the slightest, or it is not Janaye.

I can’t remember what’s me and what’s fake anymore… I feel like I am only myself alone, where I don’t have any emotions at all.

I guess it’s time to start building up walls that allows no one to tear them down. I guess it’s time to lock up something that was once so free. I guess it’s time to start re-thinking about a life that will always remain Janaye Mary Stetson and that alone.

Yes, Brandon and I are still together. No, I don’t know how much longer I can keep strong under this weight of all this pressure.

---

“Are you troubled?”

--

“No, I’m fine, really.”

--

“Is that so? You have a lot going against you.”
--

“I can handle it.”

--

“I don’t think you can, but I don’t think anyone you know can help.”

--

“That’s probably true, but I’ll keep smiling anyway.”
--

“That’s too bad, because soon your smiles will just all be fake and forced with no meaning behind

them.”

--

“Yeah, I know.”

---

I tried reaching out to someone for help. I tried finding someone to vent to.


Too bad I couldn’t find anyone.

I’ve made a chart, a calendar/chart of sorts. It’s for how many days I go without crying. Whether it be alone in my room, the stockrooms at work, or anywhere else for that matter.

Let’s see how long that lasts.

Some people say crying is good, but I find this a lie. Its weakness, and I can’t be weak anymore. I have to re-construct a mask of flawless happiness. I have to find a way to keep fooling everyone that I’m okay, when I so obviously am not. I need to make this mask out of cement, crushed dreams and false hopes.

Crying only creates cracks in this mask, letting others find ways to pry into it to see the ugliness
behind. Once they see how shattered everything is, they leave anyway, so why bother?

In fact, I think the only place that get’s weakness from me is my blog. Here is where I vent. Here is where I keep my emotions in place and in check.

So sorry, my family, that I’m so depressing here, I promise I am not so with Skype and phone calls. Sorry friends, if this doesn’t seem like me at all, but it doesn’t matter anyway.

---

“Your heart’s all broken up.”

--

“Mm… so it is.”
--

“You don’t care?”

--

“Not anymore, no, I don’t really care.”

--

“That’s too bad; it was a really good one when it was whole.”

--

“I guess it was.”
--

“Yes, it was.”

---

Why doesn't anybody press for the obvious instead of staying satisfied with lies?

-

--

---

--

-

My feelings in songs:

“Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on that ring to prove that you’re not alone…
It’s only half past the point of oblivion.
The hour glass on the table,
The walk before the run.
The breath before the kiss,
And the fear before the break,
Have you ever felt this way?”
--Glitter in the Air by P!nk

“Is it you I want?
Or just the notion of?
A heart to wrap around so I can find a way around…
We are never sad ‘cause we are not allowed to be.
Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.”
--Rain by Breaking Benjamin

“Okay, I win.
You finally lost me.
You’re letting me go,
I’m walking away.
No fight, no fight.
Still falling apart.
I can’t get you out of my heart.”
--I Win by Abra Moore

“God won’t talk to me.
I guess she’s pretty busy lately.
But I like to believe,
She’s listening.
I’m starting to feel,
All of my bruises imagined are real.”
--A Beautiful Life by Lindsay Lohan

MY SONG RIGHT NOW:

"Watch her rise above the wreakage.
See her fly through glass...
Don't waste your beautiful, beautiful life.
Down here...
Graceful arms, bent and broken,
Where meant for something more.
Twisted bodies,
Surrender for the last time.
People, angels,
To bring the sun down on this world.
Surrender for the last time.
(Watch her rise above the wreakage)
Surrender for the last time."
--Above the Wreakage by Dishwalla

Venting Post: You.

I hate how you never trust me. I've told you everything but one secret that NOBODY knows. You haven't told me anything about you that I can say that makes me know you better than any one else. I hate this.

I hate how you can talk about a life without me, when I don't know what I'll do when that time comes.

I hate how right now, you only care about yourself. I smile, but you know I'm not okay. I laugh, but you know I'm doing it so you don't have to witness the tears. I'm tired of having to wear a mask, so I don't shatter you.

I hate that when you're about to break, I can't do anything but leave you alone and wear the mask of fake happiness or of indifference. I hate how you won't let me help you in any way. You won't tell me what's wrong, even if I'm the problem, and you won't let me into your world. I'm tired of this game we said we'd stop playing... the game of no trust. Apparently, I was the only one to quit this game.

I hate how the only person I can call to talk to about anything is you. I hate that you won't do the same.

I hate how you push me away, pull me in close again, and push me away again. The never ending cycle of my slow demise. It's like slapping someone, kissing it better, than slapping them again. I hurt so much. You care so little.

I hate how the only reason I've EVER cried for good or bad in the past two months was because of you... not like you know, and as for right now, not like you would care.

I hate that I'm compared to other people to you. Because so-and-so did this, I guess I will too. Again, this trust thing is freaking hurting me.

I hate that I can't break through your stupid mask. I'm about to scream to the heavens and give up on a mission that I don't think ANYONE will be able to complete. I hope you realise one day, even if not with me, nobody will know YOU until you give them a crack in your mask to let them see you.

I hate how you know so much about me. A mask I carefully made is pretty much just shards on the ground. I'm pretty much naked in front of you, no barriers or guards on anything about me. I hate that you don't even see that.

I hate how you make me feel so freaking venerable.

I hate that you've pulled up emotions and thoughts I thought I had buried completely away for forever.

I hate that I don't want to let you go, but you're slipping from my reach anyway.

I think you're leaving.

I think you're happy.

I think I'm crying.

I think I can't handle this alone anymore.

I think I need to make a move, or forever be drowned in these games of hurt and comfort.

--HOW I FEEL IN LYRICS AND POEMS---

"Please come now,
I think I'm falling,
Holding on to what
I think is safe...
Hold me now.
I'm six feet from the edge
and I'm thinking,
Maybe six feet,
Ain't so far down. "
--One Last Breath by Creed

"You're always mine to hold, but never mine to keep,
I'm always by your side, but never within reach."
--J.M. Stetson

‎"You push away my sun's rays, you stay away from your inner light...
but if I become like you, can I at least stay by your side?"
-J.M. Stetson

"You could be happy,
I hope you are.
You've made me happier than I've been by far.
And somehow everything I own, smells of you...
Without me there to hold you back,
Don't think just do...
More than anything I want to see you go,
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world."
--You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

"Darkness, darkness everywhere,
Do you feel alone? ...
You don't see what you posses,
A beauty calm and clear...
All the light that you posses,
Is skewd by lakes and seas,
Shattered surfface,
So imperfect,
Darling, you believe?"
You are the Moon by The Hush Sound

For You, I hope you will be happy, or will be one day... even if I can't make it so.