Perfect is Never Good Enough

I am far from perfect, and I have many flaws that won't be fixed as fast as most people would like.

But... sometimes I wonder... When I try to change myself, do I do it to make me better or to make someone happy.

I guess I feel like I'm trying to impress or make someone happy when it just hurts me or makes me feel more false than I already am.

With some people, I try to be as flawless as I can. I dance around my own wants and needs to please them, and what happens? They're still unhappy. I either didn't try hard enough or wasn't perfect enough.

Almost perfect, but not quite... My current motto of life...

-sigh-

To these people I try to please so hard and end up failing every time... I almost wish I could voice my thoughts. No, I don't want to try anymore. No, I don't want to do this activity just to please you. No, I don't think just like you, and this is what I think instead. I just wish I could step back from them and try to find out what I need and what I determine to be right or perfect for me.

Finding perfection is like walking around in a light rain. At first, you enjoy the search for sunlight... but after a bit, the rain starts to seem a bit cold. After a while, it seems to be drizzling upon you and reaching a freezing temperature. Right now, I'm almost to the point of ignoring the search for the sun and trying to find the coldest, heaviest rain I can. Because even when striving for sunlight and walking and hiking and fighting for it, it never comes. I'm never the best. I'm never good enough. I'm never perfect.

I can't make anyone happy with me... not even myself. I haven't done something I've wanted to do without criticism, judgement, or harshness. I haven't done anything that would ruin my image of smiley, happy, bubbly Janaye. I go through the motions and in trying to find a way to please everyone, I please no one.

Maybe I'm just writing this out to rant my thoughts and map out what I think. I just... I wish I could be happy with myself. I wish I didn't feel forced to do things I shouldn't feel forced to do. I wish people could just accept me and not try to change me or punish me for going against what they think I should do. I wish I didn't have to be an example to anyone (friends, families, strangers or co-workers alike) and that I could just freakin' be real instead of happy bright sunshine when it's raining so dang hard.

I'm so close in just snapping and ending up hurting everyone, including myself... but this weight of subtle hints hidden in words and the beatings I get from disappointment are starting to obviously take their toll.

But, again, this all could be just from 3:00am and "everything looks better in the morning", or maybe it's because it's night and I've failed at being perfect today. But most likely, it's because this rant runs through my head every night I fall asleep and I question how do I change all of this?

And every morning I wake up without an answer or the same answer that never works.

Change.

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“In trying to make everybody happy, you’ll only end up making somebody miserable.” –J.M. Stetson

"Looking at you is like looking into a mirror and unfortunately, I hate what I see. I am not so narcissistic as to love my reflection, but am cruel enough to hate it." –Anonymous

"When will I finally finish what I’ve been trying to kill all these years? The destruction it could bring will be my greatest fear… So now I choose if I slay my disguise or give into hiding behind a mask of lies." -J.M. Stetson

"We where the kings and queens of a promise. We where the victims of ourselves. Maybe the children of a lesser God, between heaven and hell." -30 Seconds to Mars, "Kings and Queens"

"I'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning." -Motion City Soundtrack, "Together We'll Ring in the New Year"

"No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave, No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe. No matter how many nights did you lie wide awake to the sounds of the poison rain... There's a fire inside of this heart in a riot about to explode into flames... This hurricane is chasing us all underground." -30 Seconds to Mars, "Hurricane"

Home Alone

I’m

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getting
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used to being
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lonely, I’m learning
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to like to be left alone.
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But than why do all these letters,
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From friends I’ve once known, increase
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my feelings of being alone? Shouldn’t their words
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make me feel at home? No, instead, I’m left feeling empty,
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I’m left feeling dread, for these friends left me alone in the end.
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Yes, they did as they were supposed to, and I guess I’m doing fine,
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But I just wish that I could still call them mine. God has his reasons,
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and I have to live by his time, But why am I left alone and trying to
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play it off fine? These walls are so empty and these windows are
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so dead, and I walk alone inside of my head. For those who
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where my friends, aren’t with me till the end. I guess I
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should stop these tears, I guess I should fall asleep,
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and learn to not depend on people, who
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Are never truly mine to keep.
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The end.

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In case you couldn't see, that's a tear drop. I'm tiered of crying.

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Yesterday, I got a letter from Braden and today, I got letters from Cody and Brandon and a package from Brandon... I hate being so alone...

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I don't understand myself. I hate getting letters from my friends. They make me cry and feel so terrible... maybe because everything they write reminds me of what I'm missing... My home.

Dear Joel Nelson:

Did you know you're very important to me? Because you are. Right now, you're the only friend I have left in Utah who knows a lot about me. You're really the last bit of sunset while I see everything else go dark in my life.

I have things I would like to tell you, but the words fumble on my tongue or they twist themselves around in my mind until they are broken and distorted.

Joel, thanks so much. Thanks so much for being my friend. Thank you for keeping my secrets and knowing just how to make me smile truly... which is quite a task as of lately. Thanks for understanding that sometimes I just have to have someone listen while I rant out a problem and explore the different solutions. Thanks for giving me hugs when I just want to be left alone and you didn't even know it. Thanks for making me find a way to trust someone again.

Mr. Nelson, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life is so hard right now. I'm sorry that you feel like you must carry everything on your own. I want you to know that if you need a friend, that I'm always here for you. You've done a lot for me that you might not even realize and I'm just trying to catch up with the debt that I owe you. I hope one day, my debt can be repaid and we can still be friends for a long, long time.

Joel, you're an amazing guy who deserves only happiness. All this white noise you're going through, whatever it might be, little or gigantic, will clear. Things will look up. Things will get better if you just hold on tight while the world spins dizzing-ly fast. If you have to, hold on tight to me, because I'll keep you grounded if you let me.

I hope you're okay. I hope you find a way to keep still as it seems like mostly everything is out to hurt you. I don't know what's going on, and I don't know if I ever will, but even if you don't want to tell me anything, I'll just sit by you if you want. Tell me how to make things better and I will because I can't loose you.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been distancing myself from you. I'm sorry that I'm scared about having a new friend that could just pick up and leave anytime like the others. I'm sorry that I'm being selfish and asking you to stay strong when I need you to stay strong for me... because I'm so weak by myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you as much as I'd like to be and possibly as much as you'd need someone to be.

Joel Nelson, I wish you luck. I wish you best of luck in getting through this. I wish you happiness and laughter and for you to get old with a bunch of people you love and people who love you.

I know you don't believe in God, so I won't say that I'll keep you in my prayers, but tonight and the rest of the nights we're still friends, I'll keep you in my heart instead.

Sincerely, with much emotion and apology,

Janaye Stetson