Facade

Does anyone care about anyone else but themselves?

I don’t think so, not anymore, from all the examples people in my life have given me.

Most people expect someone to be there for them at their beckon call, yet never do the same for others. Why is that so? I wish it weren’t, the world would be so much easier to live in if we were all a little less selfish.

I hate being me right now. Not to sound high and mighty, but I’m a bit too selfless. I say sorry first when I don’t know why I should even apologize in the first place. I always take the first step in healing a friendship or relationship when others seem to either not care or seem so willing to let it slip away.

Am I really that easy to let go of? Do I really not matter to people that much? That I can be there for them when their world crumbles, yet I can’t find a single person who will do the same for me?

Right now, I’m thinking of who to call to cry to, because honestly, I don’t want to be strong right now. I just want to cry and have someone just listen for once.

Too bad I can’t think of anyone to call…

So I guess strong I must be. I must put on a happy face, smile, and laugh at the right time. So robotic, all of it. So on cue and perfectly placed. So fake and masked and shammed.

I hate living like this. I hate feeling like I can never be myself; half of the reason because I don’t even know what myself is anymore. I think I’ve been masked for so long, that I don’t even know what I would look like without one.

No, I’ve seen myself a few times without a stupid façade. When I’ve smiled without limits or stress of judgment. When I’ve laughed because I just wanted to and when I’ve let myself just plain be happy.

Yet in my greatest downfalls, I’ve never had someone I could just let the walls crumble down and just let someone see how broken I really am. How shattered and far spread the pieces of me are in these darkest hours and coldest nights. How fall I’ve fallen, how deep I’ve sank, and how shattered I am.

So maybe I try to be so selfless to forget the pain that happens when I actually either think of myself or because I know if I don’t do something, nobody will.

And maybe, for just a second, just for now, I can wish to be saved. I can wish for someone, anyone, to find a way to pull me out of this suffocating mask I call my life.

But if I don’t do it,

Nobody will.

"She lives in a fairytale, somewhere too far for us to find.
Forgotten the tastes and smell of a world that she's left behind...
Well you built up a world of magic,
Because you're real world is tragic."
--Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore

"Let's take what hurts, and write it all down.
On these paper walls, and this empty house.
And when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground."
--Paperwalls by Yellowcard

It's One of Those Nights

It's one of those nights where I feel so alone.

I changed my birth date on my Facebook so I wouldn't receive any "Happy Birthday's!" on my wall, and to see who actually remembers and not just see the notification.

Well, I'm proud to say that not one of my friends remembered. Granted, one's on his mission, but even an ex friend wished me well.

I laugh at the irony.

Usually, I hold my friends at a higher priority than my family, because to me, they are my family.

Nice to know it's the same for them to me.

Now, I'm in a fight with the closest person to me and I just want to understand what's going on. I don't know why I hurt so much, but I do. The very reason that I hurt this much over one person scares me.

I thought I was making things better, but only made them so much worse, apparently. As such, I guess I'm just like a pair of two left shoes: I can be dealt with only for so long before I'm tossed away and traded in for a new pair.

I'm so tired of the loneliness.

I'm tired of doing what I think is right, just for everyone to say what I'm doing is wrong. I'm tired of everyone telling me what to do, yet cursing me when I do what they told me to do. I'm sick of trying to make my own path like everyone tells me, just to have them yell when I stray from theirs.

So, it's one of those nights. Those nights where the loneliness of having no one fills over me and everything feels a bit colder.

Right now, the song "You Could be Happy" by Snow Patrol is on repeat and I'm trying to blur out the reality that lies at the end of the song.

And people wonder why I hate my birthday so.

Maybe because it's always so lonely.

Happy Birthday, me.

Happy birthday wishers:
Amber
Cole
Kayla
Carissa
Jeff
Stacey
Mom
Dad
Courtney
Connor
Brandon
Adrian

People I almost wish would've remembered:
Cody
Rachael
Marissa
Sarah
Alexandra
Mitch

Poetry 5.1

ADRIAN

Sometimes I truly miss you,
No matter how much I hate you now.
I miss how much our friendship grew,
I miss our secrets and vows.

I miss the days we’d smile,
I miss the times when we knew each other so well.
I miss the nights we ran wild,
And how we could bring each other out of our own personal hell.

I miss how you where my friend to go to,
I miss the way you held me as I cried.
But then I remember, that everything I knew,
Was all just one.
Big.
Lie.

MANIC-DEPRESSIVE

I’m head strong and fearless,
I’m stubborn and impatient,
I’m irritable and cranky,
And even slightly skanky.

I love the way my eyes shine,
My smile could light up the night sky,
I love with all my heart,
I think I'm good at art.

I never cry when the world falls,
I rebuild my own crumbled castle walls,
I can stand back up on my own,
If you’re so perfect, cast the first stone.

I’m wise beyond my years,
I’m older than I appear,
I smile when I’m sad,
And laugh when I am mad.

I yell at you when you do something wrong,
I sing to random different songs,
My pride runs to the end of the earth,
Most days I feel like dirt.

I’m open and compassionate,
I’m closed off and distant,
I cry when I don’t want to,
I’ll hide away from you.

Life is worth living,
I wish for my last breath,
My personality keeps changing,
It’s annoying me to death.

I wear purple because it’s pretty,
I wear black for my own pity,
I think I’m very witty,
I wish I could kill all kitties.

So even though I’m weird,
And I never stay the same,
Thanks for staying by my side,
And trying to keep me sane.

Forever and Ever

Isn't it funny how those who deny it the most get married first?

Two of my Theatre classmates from High School are by now officially married forever and ever.

Why does this make me laugh and feel sad all at once? I'm not close to either of these people, neither am I probably going to see them again... I don't wish them bad luck with their new found forever love, but why does this all make me cringe than?

Well, I could say that maybe because these two now married people where denying getting married the most. One said she had commitment issues. If she was together with someone longer than three months she would freak out. The other said she was too head strong, selfish, and spoke of how when you reach twenty years old, all your opinions change.

Now, both nineteen, married, and are happily on their honeymoons.

So maybe it's me being a cynic, the part of me that says "true love" doesn't exist and that it's all in every one's head that they've found love... even though I have a boyfriend.

Mm... maybe that's why.

Maybe because I think everything ends sooner or later, love especially... and maybe because marriage kind of scares me...

...Forever is a REALLY long time.

No, not even that forever is really long... well, it's part of it, but not all of it.

Maybe why I turn my head at the thought of marriage, picket white fences, a house with a yard and dog and 2.5 kids is because I honestly and truly think I'll never find someone who could live and deal with me for forever.

Sure, people like to think that'll happen... but let's face it, I'm sure at least one of my friends who've found "true love" will get divorced, heck, it could even be me... so why not think of the worst and pray for the best?

I don't say "hope" for the best, because "hope" easily makes you forget "think of the worst", but "pray" lets you imagine for a few seconds before you start your busy day or sleep for the night.

Sometimes, I like to think I'll get married. That I'll find someone who knows everything about me and can still be with me in knowing so... and that the same guy will allow me the honor of knowing him just as well.

Sometimes, I like to think I'll have kids with this same guy, and they'll look just like him, or me, or us.

Sometimes, I like to think I'll have a job, kids, friends, and a husband... and be able to fulfill all separate categories together into one lifestyle.

Sometimes, I like to think I'll grow old, watch my kids with theirs and find peace in knowing that I've lived a full life with my husband by my side.

But after all this daydreaming, I know what'll probably happen: A short life of troubles, disappointment, and multiple heart aces.

So to my newly married ex-theatre classmates... I hope your new found forever partners are not just an act of love that you portrayed so well on stage, but that you've found the "real deal" that either I myself haven't been sure of yet or that I don't believe in.

Judges are for Courtrooms: Part Two

A lot of people say I'm not judgemental, and after pointing this out, they always ask why.

Well, I'm not really sure of why. Who knows? Maybe because I've been judged so much myself, and maybe because I hate it, or maybe because I know how sometimes, you don't need people to judge you... you just need them to understand or at least be impartial.

A lot of people say, "Oh, if I tell you this, you'll never think of me the same..." Well, I've heard of a lot stories that people thought made them terrible, but really, if that didn't happen, they might be completely different from who they are now that I like so much. After all, life is about learning from success and failures alike, so who am I to judge a lesson that's been learned or is being learned?

Most of the people who tell me about these "terrible" stories are generally amazing people. They might have slipped up with sex, drugs, alcohol and other various "crimes", but really? Who am I to say they're terrible, great, or wrong?

Judges belong in courtrooms, not on the street, bus, work, or in any friendship. People can do things that push you away, but honestly, most people who I don't talk to anymore, I still wish them well.

Again, who am I to judge them?

A lot of judging can come from just looking a person up and down... if their appearance is nice, they must be nice as well, right? I find this theory greatly flawed. Many of the homeless people I meet on the bus are very kind. Old men I meet at work say I have a great smile, and even the cashier at Smith's always tells me I look like Miley Cyrus with Demi Lavato's smile. (unfortunately, I have yet to tell him I find this more of an insult than a compliment)

However, with all of these situations, most of these people aren't what most of society calls "appearance appropriate". The homeless guy smells and looks grungy, the old man is in pajamas in the middle of the day, and the cashier has long greasy hair. However, I still consider them some of the nicest people anyone could meet.

I once got solicited by a guy covered in tattoos. His arms, knuckles, and neck where full of inked designs... yet he was looking for a donation to learn to become a tattoo artist through an organization. He told me he got judged a lot because of the patterns now forever etched into his skin and how sometimes it made getting donations hard... but I told him I completely understood and now I have a year subscription for a movie magazine and he's that much closer to his dream.

I get judged a lot more than I realize sometimes. A few days ago, after hanging out with a friend who's family knows me, he told me that every time I come over, one of his family members always comments on how "emo" I look.

I don't know why it's still in my head, over three days later, and why I kinda feel a ping of pain in my heart and how my chest feels heavier after remembering this, but all of this happens when recalling his words and his family members judgement.

I guess it makes me wonder why even though this person knows me, I'm still judged on my physical appearance. It's almost like they don't seem to know me at all. Just the girl with thick black eyeliner and heavy mascara... but why should I be judged on something so little as that? Something as simple and changeable as a physical appearance?

It shouldn't surprise me, however. A lot of people tell me how pretty I am... if only I didn't wear such dark make up... in which leads to them telling me to lighten it up and show my "pretty face". Well, why should I change to meet any one's standards but my own? If I like it, why should anyone else's opinion matter?

So when I hear that some one's getting married "too young", or so-and-so is going inactive, or what's-his-face had sex, I don't really get surprised. I might voice my opinion to them once, but after that, I'm done. They don't need my yelling, opinion, or condemnation set upon them, because they're doing just what everyone else is doing...

...They're doing what they think is right, and as long as they're doing that... than really, that's all that matters.

So that's why I've decided to try not to judge too harshly, to try to accept people as who they are and who they become. I'm not saying you have to be friends with everyone, but at least know they're just like you in doing what they think they should be doing, what they think is right.

So leave the law and judging to those who have been appointed and trained to do so. For everyone else who wants a ear to listen, a brain to comprehend, a shoulder to lean on, and an open heart to understand...

Come talk to me.

"Whenever you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." --Wayne Dyer