The Double Standard

So, as being a girl and being outside the normal “girl boundaries”, this is what I hate.

When I “Don’t Want To Get Married”: People always seem to give me weird looks when I say “I’m okay with being single forever” or even deny any want to get married at all. They try to convince me to that marriage is great, and most of the time, I play devil’s advocate and say, “Yeah, but I’m okay with being single for another five… ten or so years.” Yet, when a boy says he doesn’t want to get married for a long time, it’s okay.

When I “Hate Babies, Kittens, and the Color Pink”: Okay, so babies, I don’t hate. I love all your little chillen’s and think they’re way fun. Do I want any now? NO. So it annoys me when girls go koo-koo bananas for random babies. Then they sigh whistfully and say ‘Awh, they’re so cute. I can’t wait ‘till I get married and have one’
…
Obviously, these girls have never had a newborn in the house.
Yeah, kids are cute, but going goo goo for every kid, not so cool. Kittens, blah. They turn into cats soon enough and than just bite you. Pink: Gross. Neon, pastel, or anywhere in between. I hate it… unless it’s equalized out with black… and lots of it. Then it’s okay.

When I “Do Boyish Things”: Burping, not really caring about my hair, or even just knowing a little here and there about sports. Girls get astounded; guys get annoyed or just tune me out. Even listening to scremo makes me manlier, apparently. Most guys look at me crazy when we listen to the radio and hear a hardcore tune I know.
…
Dumb bums.

Other things I hate about being a girl:

When I “Express My Opinion”: When I do this, and actually either lash out at someone or tell someone off for being stupid, I get called many names. Mostly, a blanked out word. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t express my opinion (calmly or angrily) without being a *beep*. That’s just stupid. If a guy chews out another guy, he’s just giving advice or standing up for himself. When I do it, I’m just being hormonal, or a wi-atch. It makes me annoyed when I can’t tell people off for being annoyed when I’m called that stupid word.

When Guys Think They Know all About “That Time of the Month”: No, I’m sorry guys, but just because I lash out at you or cry randomly, it’s not “That Time of the Month”. Really, I HATE when guys think they know when a girl is on her period or whatever. Unless she tells you, she might just be having a really crappy day and not have let you know until now. Some girls are just the same they are every other day, including those days. So gentlemen, next time you “know”, you better dang well know or else Imma beat you.

When Girls Blame Their Actions on “That Time of the Month”: I’m sorry, but I rarely find this an excuse. Last Fourth of July when I watched over the guard for the Fourth of July parade, a lot weren’t cooperating and I had to get after them a bit. After that, I had three different girls out of nine give me the excuse that it was “That time of the month” for them and they were sorry. Okay, no. If you’re going to be a brat on those days, you’re going to be a brat every other day than too. If you tell me you’re not feeling well because of cramps or something, fine, I’ll give you an Advil. If you’re having mental issues, those are neither guard problems nor mine to deal with. Suck it up, ya pansy.

When I Show Other Emotions Besides “Happiness”: This might be just because most people don’t see my true anger and more of them don’t see me cry, but I hate how when I want to be sad, it’s almost like I’m not allowed to be. When I’m with friends or at an event, I try my best to forget what’s going on elsewhere and be happy around whoever I’m with. But some days, I just want and need to be sad. I don’t want to smile and cheer up and forget all about it. I want to wallow in self pity, danggit! Then, I hate how everyone else seems allowed to do so but me… that might be a personality thing, but still…

When I’m “Compared to the Other Majority of Girls”: I’m sorry I don’t wear pink and always spread sparkle and sunshine everywhere I go. But sometimes, I just have to be me and sometimes, you just have to accept that or move on.

When I’m Accused of “Being a Man Hater”: I’m not. I don’t think all men should submit to women and such, but I do wish we had more of an equal standing. I mean, let’s take a look into history, shall we? Let’s see when women starting making their mark in the United States: Oh, when women fought for the right to vote. Do we know when that was? In the 1920’s. The only other few women that made an impact before than where writers (only recognized as of CURRENTLY) such as Jane Austin. Besides her, the only other few I can name off the top of my head are Indians, such as Pocahontas and Sacajawea. I wish women could get equal pay as of men in the work force and such. I’m not saying all women should want to be working or even working moms, just to know if they wanted to, they could. I just wish women were seen as equals instead of just someone to “Make me a sandwich!”

The Wrap Up: I find being a girl hard. Sure, guys have a double standard too, I won't deny that, but I'm tired of feeling like I have their amount of double standard times ten against me. I'm tired of feeling inadequate and drained. Even around some people I've known for a long time, if I act out of "womanly character" I get weird looks and I'm judged. I'm so freakin' tired of it. I'm tired of this stupid sexism.

I could go on, but I won’t bore everyone with the stupid boringness of this rant, so I’ll end it here.

18 Summer Goals

So, on that previous really depressing and true note, I've decided to try and have some summer goals to maybe make the abandonment more bearable. Some goals will be easy, some will be hard, but we'll see how many I get checked off by September 1st, what I views as the official last day of summer.

18) Be pretty for a day. (Kind of vain, but I still want it)

17) Try out for a movie... or play, whichever opportunity comes first.

16) Find out if I want to move out of state and if so, where.

15) Be happy for a day and have nothing too major go wrong.

14) Go to a dance that's held outside.

13) Attend a singles ward activity and not have a total panic attack.

12) Go to a dance class, maybe.

11) Go on vacation out of town somewhere, maybe Wyoming for the fourth of July and
buy their "legal" fireworks and set them off up there.

10) Run through freshly cut grass barefoot, even though I hate my feet.

9) Go to Lagoon and get pioneer village pictures, because they're my favorite.

8) Go running two or three times a week.

7) Find a new job I actually enjoy working at.

6) Make new friends.

5) Wear a sundress for a day and go out in the sun.

4) Get a disposable water camera and take underwater pictures.

3) Make a movie spoof and put it on youtube.

2) Have at least one last Huzzah with Mitch and Marissa, because I haven't seen them
since March-ish.

1) Stand up for myself when someone does something I disagree with or makes fun of me.

So, those are the goals, 18 because I'm 18, but maybe I'll add more to make the list more fun. I dunno. Any ideas from anyone of what to add to my list? (Please don't ask for visits, I don't haz dis moneyz. :( ...)

Why I Hate Summer

So... I hate summer. I've decided I would rather have the cold grip of winter than the unbearable heat of summer.

Why do I hate summer? I'll explain it for you all.

Last summer, life sucked. I was dating someone who didn't care about me unless I was conformed to his standards and I moved out two days after graduation. Did I want to move out two days after graduation?

Heck no.

So while I was alone in Ogden (most days of the week, not leaving the apartment) my friends where in the Centerville/Farmington area hanging out with each other, enjoying their "last" summer.

I was alone, isolated, and (obviously) depressed because of this. Everyone had a fun senior summer and mine was just full of feeling forgotten and abandoned.

I'm starting to get depressed again now that the sun is out and it's getting hot (haha, how sad that I get depressed in summertime) and I just hate being up in Ogden again and I miss my friends again.

So, basically, what was happening last summer of feeling abandoned and friendless, is happening again this summer.

...Great.

Dentist Time

So I had two dentist appointments to fill in seven or eight cavities because apparently I have "soft" teeth. So here are just some things I've learned from the dentist:

-They stick a really big needle in your mouth to numb you. If you laugh when you feel them stab you with it, they think you're crazy.
-My dentist now knows I laugh when I'm in discomfort.
-Getting four different shots for one dentist trip made me numb for FOREVER.(Two in the top gums, two in the bottom)
-My dentist sticks out his tongue when concentrating really hard.
-I don't mind drills and all the weird sounds they make when they're making holes in my teeth, but when it gets a little weird sounding, turning up the music on your iPod always helps to drown out the sound.
-My dental assistant last time was Ms. Dorthy in the Viewmont High musical of "Thoroughly Modern Milly". I started talking about acting and how I loved it and than she went off and told me she wasn't good at acting. Pish, I could've slapped her right then and there if she wasn't so nice.
-It's hard to drink liquids when you can't feel your bottom lip.
-It's hard to smile when your upper lip is numb. It turns into one side of your mouth going up, one going further to the side.
-Most of the time, I can't feel my face until three hours afterward. It doesn't stop that numb tingling for another two, giving me five hours of a weird, unfeeling mouth.
-My dentist had me bite down to see if everything felt right... but it's hard to bite down when your really big and numb tongue gets in the way.
-It's really gross when you don't get suctioned out enough and have to swallow the water with the mix of the dust from your teeth. -shivers-
-I can see up my dentists nose, and it's kinda gross... and hairy.
-I almost fell asleep last time.
-I don't hate the dentist, I hate being numb after the dentist. :/
-I like needles.
-Turns out they have two needles they can shoot you up with, a small one and one closer to the size that you donate blood with... my dentist (whether good or bad) only carries the smaller one.

Well, that's all I learned. I guess I could write more, but those would be boring... and I have to go to work. :/ (more on "When-Janaye's-going-to-quit-her-lame-job-later) Hugs and loves and dynamite.

Money, Money... -sigh- ...Money.

I am stressed.

I am very stressed.

I have no money.

None.

Whoever said "Money doesn't buy happiness" never heard of movie tickets, good food, swimming, ice skating, dates, cars, or anything else that involves fun.

I just got a check and all of it is already spent before I can even put some aside for fun or savings.

Can we say "Janaye is screwed beyond screwed"?

I can.

I have nothing. I don't even know if I can make rent next month and I'm stressing. I don't know what to do. I'm looking for cheaper housing and it's hard. I'm just tired of being thrown into everything without wanting to be, it seems as if all my life I've never really made a big decision for myself. Everyone's either pressured me or I've just been expected to do it.

I hate this fact. I hate that I don't seem to control my life and now that I'm given some decision making of my own I'm freaking out. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know anything, and everything I thought I knew seemed to be a big joke and a lie.

Heh, and all this over money.

You Can't Be Friends With Everyone

One day, I was having a terrible day. So I have a friend I vent to and I told her about how I hate being me. How I hate having to put everyone else before me. I told her how I wish I could be more selfish, because to me, being too selfless is far worse than being too selfish. I told her how I can't let anybody down and how I always want to be on everyone's good side (usually). I told this friend I wish I could have a friend I could call at three in the morning that would answer instead of always being the friend called at three in the morning. I told her how I want all my friends to be happy, even if it causes me my own, which often, it does. I told her how I don't like putting the blame on others so I usually take it for myself. I wrote to her about how usually everything I want comes second to what everyone else wants. I typed to her how I wished someone could do something I wanted instead of ignoring it and covering up my dissapointment with a smile and laugh. I wrote to her how I was so sick and tired of being number two in my own life.

This friend, the one who I usually only take seriously when I vent to her and she vents to me, gave me this serious piece of advice.

This key of advice, from someone who I usually (no offence) don't take too seriously, made me really think tonight.

She told me, "You can't be friends with everyone."

I kinda sat back and in my mind said, "Well, why not?"

And that's when I realized that I guess I have to decide who's worth it and who's not. Who do I keep as a friend and fight till the death for and who I let go because I'm losing the will to fight.

It's hard. Some people that I've really relied heavily on are losing my will to fight for them. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of trying to plan a day to do something with them and than having them bail out on me. I'm tired of putting so much of myself in others and the one minute I really need them, they're gone.

I'm losing my fight for them.

So who do I want to keep?

I want to keep the friends that know when I need a shoulder to cry on and when I need to get my butt in gear. I want to keep my friends who try as hard to be my friend as I do theirs. I want my friends to be the ones who realize when I do a great sacrifice for them and than return the sacrifice or at least realize what I did for them. I want to keep the friends who call me randomly to see how I'm doing, not just to ask for a favor. I want to keep the friends who can let me cry, who can let me complain when I usually don't and not ask me why I'm so out of character.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want to keep the friends that will fight for me too.

...

And after reading all of this, I realize I don't have as many friends worth fighting for...

Random Goals Part I

Random goals with no particular personal growth other than it sounds amazing and fun.

~`~GOALS~`~

-Be in a play and have a stage kiss.
-Dress up like Rukia hard core-ness and take millions of pictures.
-Be able to cry on stage.
-Be on set of a movie.
-Skydive/bungee jump.
-Pet a tiger, lion, or other dangerous big cat.
-Say "Hey sexy" to random people I pass.
-Go for a day dressing like a crazy mix-match person and not care about the strange looks I get from everyone. (maybe make this the same "hey sexy" day...)
-Buy expensive perfume and wear it whenever I want, not just for "special" occasions.
-Crash a wedding.
-Kiss someone at said wedding. (NOT the groom or any other taken person boy unless it's mine...)
-IF I do get married, have the reception be little and small, than throw a huge party afterwards.
-Go back to Paris to tour, eat their amazing ice cream and ham sandwiches with a stick of butter on it, and go to the top of the Eiffel tower again.
-Learn a language enough to have a decent conversation. Preferably, the learned language is either French, Chinese, or Japanese.
-Do improv for an audiance.
-Go in a helicopter.
-Spend the night in an amazing hotel.
-Do colorguard/winterguard for an audiance again.
-Be in a protest.
-Randomly decide to catch the next flight at an airport, no matter where it's going)
-Dance in the rain to actually amazing music.
-Not dance alone in the rain to amazing music.
-Take pictures underwater.
-Have a nice picture taken for a newspaper or news and be making a funny face.
-Sing Kareokee to a large audiance.
-Win a contest of some sort... any sort...
-Do an anime skit at an anime convention.
-Get a wierd color put into my hair.
-Kiss someone important in front of a lot of people I know and not care.
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FOOD GOALS: Try the following cuisine:

-Tatar (warmed or even just plain but raw meat)
-horse
-dog
-cat
-snake
-all sushi's
-caviar
-octopus/squid
-balut (a 16 to 17 day old fertilized chicken egg, cracked open and eaten)
-duck feet
-owl soup
-bird's nest soup (made from birds who use a basic saliva to make their nest)
-pig/cow snout
-Salamanders
-frogs
-scorpion lollipop
-Ghetto caviar (ant's eggs)
-crickets
-spiders
-tarantula
-banana worm bread
-chocolate cricket chip cookies
-alligator/crocodile
-blood jell-o (salty...)
-monkey toes
-squirrel brains
-Fugu, (a fish that if not cooked right can kill you, only few cheifs in Japan are allowed to make this dish...)
-Uni, (raw sea urchin)
-Sashimi (almost like sushi)
-sea slugs
-tofu (in every shape and form)
-Miso (fermented bean soup, do not let farters eat this...)
-Gingko seeds
-Cockroaches
-Praying mantis (because they scare the crap out of me sometimes, so I'd love to bite one's head off)
-salted plum suckers
-A favorite candy/sweet/delicacy from every country (with a sweet tooth like mine, it won't be hard to eat 'em all...)

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Sooo... there's probably a lot more, I think the food one's would be just so I could say "HA! I ATE THAT!!" And who knows, maybe Uni is good!

Anyway, this list will be updated with other pointless goals periodically.