Dear Joel Nelson:

Did you know you're very important to me? Because you are. Right now, you're the only friend I have left in Utah who knows a lot about me. You're really the last bit of sunset while I see everything else go dark in my life.

I have things I would like to tell you, but the words fumble on my tongue or they twist themselves around in my mind until they are broken and distorted.

Joel, thanks so much. Thanks so much for being my friend. Thank you for keeping my secrets and knowing just how to make me smile truly... which is quite a task as of lately. Thanks for understanding that sometimes I just have to have someone listen while I rant out a problem and explore the different solutions. Thanks for giving me hugs when I just want to be left alone and you didn't even know it. Thanks for making me find a way to trust someone again.

Mr. Nelson, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life is so hard right now. I'm sorry that you feel like you must carry everything on your own. I want you to know that if you need a friend, that I'm always here for you. You've done a lot for me that you might not even realize and I'm just trying to catch up with the debt that I owe you. I hope one day, my debt can be repaid and we can still be friends for a long, long time.

Joel, you're an amazing guy who deserves only happiness. All this white noise you're going through, whatever it might be, little or gigantic, will clear. Things will look up. Things will get better if you just hold on tight while the world spins dizzing-ly fast. If you have to, hold on tight to me, because I'll keep you grounded if you let me.

I hope you're okay. I hope you find a way to keep still as it seems like mostly everything is out to hurt you. I don't know what's going on, and I don't know if I ever will, but even if you don't want to tell me anything, I'll just sit by you if you want. Tell me how to make things better and I will because I can't loose you.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been distancing myself from you. I'm sorry that I'm scared about having a new friend that could just pick up and leave anytime like the others. I'm sorry that I'm being selfish and asking you to stay strong when I need you to stay strong for me... because I'm so weak by myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you as much as I'd like to be and possibly as much as you'd need someone to be.

Joel Nelson, I wish you luck. I wish you best of luck in getting through this. I wish you happiness and laughter and for you to get old with a bunch of people you love and people who love you.

I know you don't believe in God, so I won't say that I'll keep you in my prayers, but tonight and the rest of the nights we're still friends, I'll keep you in my heart instead.

Sincerely, with much emotion and apology,

Janaye Stetson