It's interesting, really. Why would you want to read this old thing? It obviously hasn't been updated for quite some time. And, for good reason too. I'm not angry, sad, or depressed. Granted, these emotions happen through out one's life, but, not the crushing way they did while we dated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting sole blame on you. My family went through the hardest trail during our dating and I wasn't controlling my depression the way I should have. However, having a distrusting, emotionally disconnected boyfriend didn't help either.
Life... Is interesting now. Re-reading this blog makes me smile. I was so stupid. Had I learned earlier that emotions weren't the bad guy, I'd be more like I am now. However, I meet someone very wise and he told me that emotions where human. There was no reason to try to run away from them, but embrace them and express them in a proper manner. It's made a world of difference.
Things I've also learned: Love exists. And just because past relationships where awful and evil or however people describe them, doesn't mean you should stick with what you've dealt yourself. It can be better, you can find someone better. And, if I'm being honest, we should have broken up a long time before we actually did.
Another tid bit: Accept yourself. From the highest of praises to the ugliest of remarks. If you can accept everything about yourself and find a reason to love yourself because you are what you are: Life is a lot more enjoyable. Acceptance is a marvelous thing. Apply it to everything else and it gives you inner peace.
My apologies, back on topic: I'm sorry if you're still bitter. I understand why. Or maybe I don't, or you don't, and maybe that's why you're here. (assuming you found it.) There is good, bad, and down right depressing things about our relationship hidden in the nooks and crannies of this blog. And most of it, I've moved on from. (My anger about Adrian being one and my stupidity with others for another) I learned grudges are pointless. Being happy is not. Trying to improve yourself, your life, and others is a great feeling. And some days will be harder than others, but if you think: Will this really matter a year from now?? The answer will be no.
For instance: A year from now, will I still be sad that we're not friends? Well, a year could change a lot, and most likely, that answer will be no. A year from now, will you still be angry at me and putting all the blame on me? Probably not. Because a year from now, everything will be so different anyway, that it won't matter. And if it does... I hear that therapy can help with that.
Mr. Johnson, I do hope you find happiness. You wrote a letter once saying that your mission president told you that you would have a wife and kids. Remember, she's still out that. (Though... you may have to branch out from Rachael...) And keep in mind that happiness is out there too.
Remember that song? The song "You Could be Happy" by Snow Patrol? For the longest time, I thought it was my point of view on you, but maybe, now it's your point of view on me. Granted, I know you're still angry at me and hate me and I'm this evil thing that destroyed our relationship without trying at all. (your thoughts, I'm assuming, just not mine) But for all the nights you shut me out and pushed me aside, I played this song until it was engraved into my brain. However, now, I'm the one who left. (And I do apologize for how I did so, that was very wrong of me. I am sorry) So maybe, this song now reminds you of me. Or maybe, you've banned anything that has to do with me from your life. (and than again, why did you want to try and find this...)
Either way, I do wish you happiness. I know your life has not been easy. I know you've trusted people and they had let you down. (one of the reasons I was shut out, you didn't want me in that group) But I know you can be happy. I know that life can be better for you. I know that someday you'll realize we where both young and wrong and stupid. (at least, those are my thoughts) because where we where than is not where we are now. We're different. We've changed (hopefully for the better) and life will be a series of lows and highs.
If you're ever ready to try and be friends again, let me know. However, until than, I will leave you alone as you wish.
One line of the song will always ring true from my side: You could be happy, I hope you are.
You could be happy
And I won't know.
You weren't happy
The day I
Watched you go
And all the things that I wish I
Had not said.
Are played in loops 'til it's madness
In my head.
Is it too late to remind you
How we where?
And not our last days of silence,
Screaming, blur.
Most of what I remember
Makes me sure.
I should have stopped you from walking,
Out the door.
You could be happy,
I hope you are.
You made me happier than I'd
Been by far.
Somehow everything I own,
Smells of you
And for the tinest moment
It's all not true.
Do the things that you always
Wanted to
Without me there to hold you back
Don't think
Just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite of the whole world
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