Facade

Does anyone care about anyone else but themselves?

I don’t think so, not anymore, from all the examples people in my life have given me.

Most people expect someone to be there for them at their beckon call, yet never do the same for others. Why is that so? I wish it weren’t, the world would be so much easier to live in if we were all a little less selfish.

I hate being me right now. Not to sound high and mighty, but I’m a bit too selfless. I say sorry first when I don’t know why I should even apologize in the first place. I always take the first step in healing a friendship or relationship when others seem to either not care or seem so willing to let it slip away.

Am I really that easy to let go of? Do I really not matter to people that much? That I can be there for them when their world crumbles, yet I can’t find a single person who will do the same for me?

Right now, I’m thinking of who to call to cry to, because honestly, I don’t want to be strong right now. I just want to cry and have someone just listen for once.

Too bad I can’t think of anyone to call…

So I guess strong I must be. I must put on a happy face, smile, and laugh at the right time. So robotic, all of it. So on cue and perfectly placed. So fake and masked and shammed.

I hate living like this. I hate feeling like I can never be myself; half of the reason because I don’t even know what myself is anymore. I think I’ve been masked for so long, that I don’t even know what I would look like without one.

No, I’ve seen myself a few times without a stupid façade. When I’ve smiled without limits or stress of judgment. When I’ve laughed because I just wanted to and when I’ve let myself just plain be happy.

Yet in my greatest downfalls, I’ve never had someone I could just let the walls crumble down and just let someone see how broken I really am. How shattered and far spread the pieces of me are in these darkest hours and coldest nights. How fall I’ve fallen, how deep I’ve sank, and how shattered I am.

So maybe I try to be so selfless to forget the pain that happens when I actually either think of myself or because I know if I don’t do something, nobody will.

And maybe, for just a second, just for now, I can wish to be saved. I can wish for someone, anyone, to find a way to pull me out of this suffocating mask I call my life.

But if I don’t do it,

Nobody will.

"She lives in a fairytale, somewhere too far for us to find.
Forgotten the tastes and smell of a world that she's left behind...
Well you built up a world of magic,
Because you're real world is tragic."
--Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore

"Let's take what hurts, and write it all down.
On these paper walls, and this empty house.
And when our ink runs out, we'll burn it to the ground."
--Paperwalls by Yellowcard