Broken Thoughts

I laugh at the horrible things in life because if I take it seriously, it just might break me.
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Sometimes, I wish I had someone to tell everything about myself to. Than I remember how much hurt it just causes in the end.
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I don't think I'll ever be able to tell one person everything.
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I love Halloween more than Christmas because unlike Christmas, I'm not forced to be cheery. That, and Christmas is too much retail, not enough thought/pondering.
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I honestly and completely think I'll live alone for the rest of my life. I will always be Janaye Mary Stetson and that by it's self. It's not that I wouldn't like to get married, but the fact that I honestly don't think someone could handle me for "forever", let alone I'd be able to tell one person everything without them walking away.
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I always expect the worst, so I don't have to have crushed hope... yet somewhere deep in my mind, I hope for the best... which always leads to me getting crushes me anyway.
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I honestly don't think true love exists.
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Out of the four days on my "No Crying Chart", I'm at a fifty-fifty split.
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I didn't smile at work for a half hour. I think I had every supervisor ask if I was okay and every other employee ask what was wrong. I slip my mask off for a half hour and everyone notices. I know I should be proud of my sham, but I am.
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I don't think poetry about happiness or love is made with real emotion... every time I read it, it always feels so fake.
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I get re-pissed when I think about the stupidity of my Kindergarten to Senior years of school.
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Sorcerers Apprentice sucked.
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I want to edit so bad, yet can't.
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I would love to be a make-up artist.
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I get such high standards put to me. Go to college, get all A's, get an amazing job. When I fail at these, the expectations and hopes people have in me decrease dramatically. Go to a trade school, pass the classes, get an okay job.
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I wish I could be an actress. I told one person this, and she told me they would make me a porn star. I realized this could be true, and I now curse the world and movie industry that half the women on the big screen are there for eye candy.
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I can't say anything at mom's house. I either get lectured or make her break into tears.
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I found a way I can avoid all of life's problems: Die young. Unfortunately, this is not my first option.
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I sometimes wish my friends could see through my stupid fake smiles, but I have to remind myself about the last time they saw I had emotion other than happiness.
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Sometimes I wonder why everyone can loads of emotions but me.
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I hate being happy when someone else is whining over something so little. 'I really don't care if you lost your gum, I am freakin' dealing with more than just gum.'
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I don't see why people ask me for money. I get $7.50 an hour at work and have to pay $275 for rent, food, and a $60 phone bill. Why the heck are you asking me for money when you live at home and have a job???
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I hate how my emotions are so two-faced. One is the genuine happy and hyper one. This is the one I have around people. Alone, however, I am completely different.
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I didn't realize how much I cried until I started this calender. I realized while making it, that I've cried 5/7 days every week this month. Either I'm too emotional or I have too much crap.
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I miss Marissa. We used to be so close, and now I don't think she really cares. I understand, she has a life, I don't.
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I miss Mitch so freakin' bad. We also used to be close, and now he blows me off like I'm nothing. I think that hurts almost more than anything I've ever known.
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I smile, because it's easier than explaining why I'm sad.
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I don't think Brandon loves me anymore.
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-Songs-

"Time stands still.
Pictures fade to black.
Feeling the chill,
Love is tearing up my back...
I know that you must agree,
The real possiblity,
Of you and me,
Will slip right through my fingers..."
-Condition of Desperation by Randy Porter

"Breathe in, breathe out.
Tell me all of your doubts.
Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same...
If everyone goes away,
I will stay.
We push and pull.
And I fall down sometimes.
And I'm not letting go..."
-Breathe In Breath Out by Mat Kearney

"What do you do,
When you're life's a disaster,
And you're moving faster,
And it's getting harder to breathe?"
-Decipher Reflections from Reality by PlayRadioPlay!