---
“Is he important to you?”
--
“Yes he is, very much so.”
“Yes he is, very much so.”
--
“Awh, that’s cute. Has he ever hurt you?”
--
“He doesn’t know it, but yes, he has, many times.”
--
“Are you okay, even after all of that?”
--
--
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
--
“No you’re not, your heart’s all messed up. Too bad too, it was a good one.”
“No you’re not, your heart’s all messed up. Too bad too, it was a good one.”
---
Why don’t people ever notice that? When your heart gets all screwed up and broken, stitched back together, and shattered again? Why can’t people look past the fake and crummy smiles and all the stupid laughs that were never real? Is it really hard to notice when someone’s smile doesn’t reach their eyes or their laugh sounds forced, fake, or hollow?
Am I that hard to read? When I apologize for something that I never should’ve had to, do I sound sincere? When I laugh off a trouble, do I sound happy? When I smile at you, do I look ecstatic?
It may be because I’m going through a depression stage, or so I assume, but I feel so fake. I feel so forced. Everything is planned down to the very smile. Because to many people that I know, Janaye can’t be sad. Janaye can’t get angry over stupid things. Janaye can’t act girly in the slightest, or it is not Janaye.
I can’t remember what’s me and what’s fake anymore… I feel like I am only myself alone, where I don’t have any emotions at all.
I guess it’s time to start building up walls that allows no one to tear them down. I guess it’s time to lock up something that was once so free. I guess it’s time to start re-thinking about a life that will always remain Janaye Mary Stetson and that alone.
Yes, Brandon and I are still together. No, I don’t know how much longer I can keep strong under this weight of all this pressure.
---
“Are you troubled?”
--
“No, I’m fine, really.”
--
“Is that so? You have a lot going against you.”
--
--
“I can handle it.”
--
“I don’t think you can, but I don’t think anyone you know can help.”
--
“That’s probably true, but I’ll keep smiling anyway.”
--
--
“That’s too bad, because soon your smiles will just all be fake and forced with no meaning behind
them.”
--
“Yeah, I know.”
---
Too bad I couldn’t find anyone.
I’ve made a chart, a calendar/chart of sorts. It’s for how many days I go without crying. Whether it be alone in my room, the stockrooms at work, or anywhere else for that matter.
Let’s see how long that lasts.
Some people say crying is good, but I find this a lie. Its weakness, and I can’t be weak anymore. I have to re-construct a mask of flawless happiness. I have to find a way to keep fooling everyone that I’m okay, when I so obviously am not. I need to make this mask out of cement, crushed dreams and false hopes.
Crying only creates cracks in this mask, letting others find ways to pry into it to see the ugliness
behind. Once they see how shattered everything is, they leave anyway, so why bother?
In fact, I think the only place that get’s weakness from me is my blog. Here is where I vent. Here is where I keep my emotions in place and in check.
So sorry, my family, that I’m so depressing here, I promise I am not so with Skype and phone calls. Sorry friends, if this doesn’t seem like me at all, but it doesn’t matter anyway.
---
“Your heart’s all broken up.”
--
“Mm… so it is.”
--
--
“You don’t care?”
--
“Not anymore, no, I don’t really care.”
--
“That’s too bad; it was a really good one when it was whole.”
--
“I guess it was.”
--
--
“Yes, it was.”
---
Why doesn't anybody press for the obvious instead of staying satisfied with lies?
-
--
---
--
-
My feelings in songs:
“Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on that ring to prove that you’re not alone…
It’s only half past the point of oblivion.
The hour glass on the table,
The walk before the run.
The breath before the kiss,
And the fear before the break,
Have you ever felt this way?”
--Glitter in the Air by P!nk
“Is it you I want?
Or just the notion of?
A heart to wrap around so I can find a way around…
We are never sad ‘cause we are not allowed to be.
Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.”
--Rain by Breaking Benjamin
“Okay, I win.
You finally lost me.
You’re letting me go,
I’m walking away.
No fight, no fight.
Still falling apart.
I can’t get you out of my heart.”
--I Win by Abra Moore
“God won’t talk to me.
I guess she’s pretty busy lately.
But I like to believe,
She’s listening.
I’m starting to feel,
All of my bruises imagined are real.”
--A Beautiful Life by Lindsay Lohan
MY SONG RIGHT NOW:
"Watch her rise above the wreakage.
See her fly through glass...
Don't waste your beautiful, beautiful life.
Down here...
Graceful arms, bent and broken,
Where meant for something more.
Twisted bodies,
Surrender for the last time.
People, angels,
To bring the sun down on this world.
Surrender for the last time.
(Watch her rise above the wreakage)
Surrender for the last time."
--Above the Wreakage by Dishwalla
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