Hushed

I have oppinons and thoughts,
I always speak up.
Until you tell me to look pretty,
Sit down and shut up.

Thanks for the insperation, Mom and Dad.

Rant: Why I Hate Video Games

Yes, it's true. I really don't like video games. I have a valid few reasons of why I hate video games. Let's start, shall we?

1. They Cause Stress. Yes, some people say they play video games to get rid of stress. I can understand how this would help sometimes... although I don't know how good it is to kill someone and have them spill tons of blood as a stress reliever. However, I think video games cause more stress than they relieve. My reasons? Because you end up getting killed too, or you won't make the next level like you want to, etc. So in the end, you end up getting more stressed and frustrated because you couldn't win/kill more people/level up.

2. They Are A Distraction. Ever try having a conversation with someone playing a video game? Even if it is something "easy" or "stupid", all attention is on the video game and not on whom you're trying to converse with. I can usually tell if I'm taking to someone who's playing a video game, and it sucks when I'm correct on my assumption.

3. They Are Boring To Watch. I hate when I'm expected to watch a video game. Do you know how boring it is? It's not a movie that progresses, it's the same level for someone trying to pass it to the next. Some levels have to be re-done five, ten, twenty plus times. Not. Fun. To. Watch.

4. They Suck For Beginners To Play. So, if ya can't beat them, (via watching) than why not join them (via playing) ... right? Wrong. All of my friends who play video games are guys, therefore, when I'm asked to "join in and play", I'm playing a game that I hardly know how to work (or I don't know at all) on a level seven out of ten against boys who've played this same game for weeks. Guess who dies first, second, and third all at once? Yup, me. So why don't the boys go easy? Simple. The more kills you get, the higher you place. Sorry if I object to playing video games next time, boys.

5. They Do Nothing. They don't teach you anything, help you gain anything, and don't improve you. They don't work your muscles like exercise, they don't stimulate your brain like word puzzles, and they don't help you gain anything in life unless your a game artist. Excuse me if I find them pointless. I'd rather play a bored game, play a sport... screw that list. I'd pretty much rather do anything besides play/watch video games. Things that are below the list of video games: Twilight in any form. Things that are close to the stupidity of video games? Football of practically any kind.

6. They Waste Your Time. A half hour of playing turns to two, than three, than the entire day. Congratulations, you just went from level 12 to 27... all it took was the entire day... yeay.

7. They Take A Higher Priority Than Me... Always. Selfish? Maybe. But I think I deserve more of your attention than a stupid freakin' video game when I'm having a bad day... don't-cha think?

No, this is not based on one boy, but many. All the time, this seems to be the case with stupid video games. I don't like them, I don't play them. Sometimes, I wish I could destroy all video games entirely because they frustrate me so. My challenge to anyone: Post a comment of why video games are good, because I'd like to see some excuses of why I should like them.

Smile and Laugh

The top ten things that make/have made me laugh, in no particular order...

10) When I write my name and get a little carried away with the "A's" and "N's". J-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-n-a-n-a... danggit.

9) When I tried to hide my room from mom, and Courtney let her see it. One time, mom and Courtney dropped me off at my apartment, but both had to use the restroom. I specifically kept mom away from my bedroom because it was a WRECK!! So than mom goes to use the bathroom after Court and Court's just doing whatever. Well, right when mom comes out, Court says, "Here's Nay's room!" and let's mom see all my messiness. Blah.

8) When Smushy-Face wins a beauty contest against me. Mom, Court, and I where lying on mom's bed, just lounging around. Mom's trying to sleep and was half way there when I asked, "Mommy, who's prettier? Me or Smushy-Face?" Mom just sighs with her eyes closed and says, "Mm... Smushy-Face." Courtney than gets this HUGE grin on her face, gasps and says, "Me?! YEAYYY! Thanks mommy!" Silly Courtney, Calling you "Smushy-Face" is an insult!

7) Finding out weird things I DO NOT want to know... but now unfortunately do... I've gotten into a habit of dancing with mom and singing, "Have I told you lately that I love you?", but changing the lyrics to, "Have I told you lately I don't love you?" Well, after I sang her this song, we kept dancing when I asked, "How come you and dad never dance?" She came back with, "We do. In our bedroom. Alone. Naked." Needless to say, I quickly stopped our kitchen slow dance to gasp at her. She told me not to tell anyone... now EVERYONE knows. Yeay Internet and cell phones!!

6) Youtube. I honestly laugh more in a ten minuet youtube video than an entire t.v. show or movie. I LOVE youtube, it provides me with all the entertainment I need.

5) However, I still love me a good movie. 'Nuff said.

4) Remembering high school moments. Starting a muffin war that got us suspended from our lunch eating spot, having my friends take Starbucks to seminary, and ditching school to make cookies with mom coming home early and about to yell at me when she forgets because we made snickerdoodles.

3) Inside jokes. I LOVE them. These include: Quarters, rounder corners, vending machines, lab coats, and many other things that don't make sense.

2) Telling people I'm Jewish after they wish me "Merry Christmas!" Yes, once I convinced a Subway worker that Brandon and I where Jewish. After that, Brandon had a movie night and one girl who'd never met him before wished him "Happy Christmas!" as we left. I promptly turned to her and said with a face full of seriousness, "Dude, he's Jewish." She than started freaking out about how she probably offended him and I agreed that she probably did. Yes, Brandon is Jewish... with all the Santa's, manager sets, and five or so Christmas trees that decorate his house, he's so Jewish.

1) Friends. My friends make me laugh all the time... whether we're filming a movie or watching one, I love being around them. :)

The top five things that make me/made me smile in no particular order...

5) Courtney. 'Nuff said.

4) Annoying the crap out of people with the bunnie voice. Always fun, always entertaining... most fun to do it to mom. :)

3) Playing the one song I know by heart on the piano and singing to it terribly as everyone in the house tells me to shut up. Courtney now knows the lyrics too and sings with me.

2) Babies/tiny kids. Yes, even though I'm a bit cold hearted and don't really like babies or little kids, I can appreciate them at times... even thought I don't want any myself. :) Kids are like the

zoo. You might like the gorilla, but you don't want to take it home with you.

1) Brandon Johnson. He's cheered me up and made me even smile on days I didn't think it was possible to smile on. He's a really great guy and I'm very glad he's been in my life thus far.

Unmasked Part I

A short story I've writen from different points of view over one event. Let me know what you think. It has at least two parts, possibly three... depending on what I feel like.
----------------------------------------------------

--UNMASKED--

Part I: Cracked

--MEGAN—

The group she had known as her friends were introduced to her when she transferred schools from one coast to the other.

Happy. Giggly. Cheerful… a mere few words that could describe her.

But anybody who was anybody knew appearances where deceiving.

White blonde hair, bubbly blue eyes, and a smile forever etched into her face that could lure Zeus from his heavenly throne to earth where a few words for her lure.

But everybody who was anybody knew appearances where lies.

None more so than the five teenagers, crowded into each other in a small office where everything started because of her.

--RACE—

Sibling rivalry wasn’t enough of a word to describe what Race experienced between himself and his brother Percy.

No, Percy always did everything better, bigger, and more extravagant than Race ever could.
You wouldn’t be able to tell the two African-American brothers apart, save for the fact Race shaved his head for some form of separation from his brother… even if it only be physical.

Percy, who’d graduated two years earlier, and Race, who was now half way into his Junior year, where always the kind to compete. While Percy was the star quarterback on the high school team he graduated from, his younger brother found his notch as receiver for the very team.

The arguments that branched from this difference alone is numerous, let alone the other topics each argument leads to.

Best girlfriend, best student, best athlete. Everything was a trophy cup to win with each brother trying so hard to make the other a loser to his own eyes.

The physical fights escalated between the two when their soul parent was out of the house. The unspoken rule between them was verbal fights in front of their mother, physical while she was away.

It isn’t until Race brings his brother to deaths doorstep by his own hands that he realizes the relationship between them is neither normal nor healthy.

The rush to the emergency room, the call to his mother, the questions from the police… everything was blurred.

Few people knew of this night and the exact events that lead up to it.


Aiden, for one, because he was what Race considered to be his brother and Megan, for two, because those blonde eyes brought Zeus down from his throne as Race whispers in a hollow voice what happens when she asks him 'What happened?'

Maybe that’s what leaves him still shaking at night… is that he told her.

--NATE—

Nate was always the semi-outcast of the group that had formed slowly over the years.

Aiden and Race where practically joined at the hip all through elementary, as the story goes. Nate was thrown into the group when all three landed themselves in detention on the first day of Jr. High. The other girls, Denim and Veronica wouldn’t join their group until the next year with Megan being the final key to their niche in High School.

Nate was always the jokester, the prankster, and as some so modestly deemed him, the comic relief of the group. Aiden was a player, Race was the athlete, Veronica was insightful with Denim being the smart one. Unfortunately, this left Nate with a very disordered perception of himself.
Whenever he sulked about something, a small shiver of panic seemed to go throughout the group until he eased their tension with a lame joke or corny pun.

It still sometimes makes him feel infuriated to know that the rest of the group members where allowed to be sad and have problems, but he could not.

It wasn’t until High School, however, when he met Megan that everything changed. Megan was the first girl that actually paid attention to him in a manner that suggested she was interested in him as more than a friend. The giggles, laughs, and flips of her hair could only mean one thing.

And they did.

When Nate first introduced Megan to the group, he introduced her as his girlfriend.

The group, though shocked, approached this new side of Nate, a serious side that suggested he could have a serious relationship.

And while Megan thrived in the group, joining his friends as hers, the damage was already done.
While trying to impress her, he glanced between his two guy friends. Aiden, the school player, was always nicely muscular while with Race, you didn’t know what would cause you more damage: running into a brick wall or him.

So to impress his new found girlfriend in which their relationship flourished quickly, he tried to gain muscle instead of being so plain.

What he landed himself in was much worse.

Maybe that’s why he had confided in the only person who showed him any care.

--VERONICA—

Most people considered her emo, when the word wasn’t really a fair way to describe her.

Veronica was not emo. She didn’t cut, whine about stupid problems, or ditch school.

In fact, Veronica excelled in her English and Poetry classes, and often captivated the class into rhymed tales of horror, darkness, happiness, and even romance on occasion.

However, this strange assumption of her being an “emo” worthy classification came from the way she dressed and the way she presented herself.

Veronica does not smile.

Occasionally, she’ll throw out an over exaggerated grimace of a smile, or a smirk, but Veronica did not smile at jokes, puns, riddles, or any of the usual things that people laugh at.

The second assumption of why Veronica was emo would be her clothing.

Already inheriting black hair from her family, Veronica wore long sleeves and pants every day… even in the summer time. Trips to go swimming where ignored and invitations to beach parties sent back... her RSVP reading a firm “No.”

The only one to question her style had been an eighth grade Nate, sitting next to her in their shared History class.

“Hey ‘Onica?” His voice squeaked, still not hitting puberty quite yet.

“It’s Ver-onica. Not ‘Onica.” She corrected him, still reading her book as he now openly poked her sleeved arm.

“Okay, ‘Onkia. But why are you wearing sleeves? It’s almost summer vacation and it’s boiling outside, you really should wear something with short sleeves… or at least call me this summer?”

Veronica didn’t know what was more shocking. That someone actually paid attention to her, mocked her name when she specifically told him not to, or that someone was actually offering her a way to get out of her house during the long summer months.

“You… you don’t want to hang out with me… I’m not fun…” She mumbles, her eyes snapped back to her book.

This only made Nate smile more widely at her.

“Well I have some friends that I’d like ya to meet, ‘cause I know you don’t hang out with anyone because everyone thinks you’re creepy. I don’t think you’re creepy. I think you’re…” He pauses, seaching for the word.

“Awesome. Gimme a call, ‘kay?”

With that, the kid is gone, but his phone number is left on her desk, and her friendship into the group was, as Nate would always put into a pun, “History”.

So naturally, when Nate had brought Megan to join their group, she was hesitant to accept her and always kept her at an unnaturally cold, arm’s length distance.

However, as the months charged on and Nate kept dating Megan, Veronica had to accept her sometime or another.

After all, she couldn’t be mad at Megan forever. Megan hadn’t meant to steal her first and only crush from her… she was just brave enough to step up to the challenge and take the risk.

Maybe that’s why Veronica let Megan onto her secret of her biggest downfall.

--DENIM—

Denim isn’t the most girly name, or the most beautiful name, but it’s hers.

Her father told her it meant “strong”, and so she kept the name true to its word.

But at first glance, Denim doesn’t look very strong.

She thin, a twig really. But those who do know her don’t underestimate her strength.

You don’t become a Pointe ballerina without gaining a muscle or two.

With this in mind, Denim has to remind herself to be strong in other ways.

She had moved to the school holding her now friends when she was thirteen… not by choice on her part, but by force.

Her father wasn’t happy about the move as well, but he tried to keep an optimistic idea on it for the sake of his now fragile daughter.

If any of her friends knew it, it would be a surprise to her.

Denim wears her long, naturally crimson hair in a high pony tail every day to school. Most ask why she never wears it down, and why she twists away with a nervous laugh and quick “No!” before classmates can release the red strands from a ponytail.

But the only person who knows something slightly on the matter was Aiden, her crush from the time she met him in eighth grade in a science lab.

One day, the ponytail had actually snapped from a rude girl, who used scissors to cut her hair free.

Immediately grabbing her hair and pulling it up with a spare she kept on her wrist, she asked to be excuse.

She hadn’t seen Aiden in the hall, but he’d seen her.

With tears, streaking down her face as she quickly and quietly walked to the ladies restroom.

Maybe that’s why Denim had told Megan why she hated to put her hair down.

--AIDEN—

How he deserved the title of the school playboy was unknown even to him.

Aiden didn’t try to get girls… because as arrogant as it sounds, he just did.

Spiky black hair, soccer team center forward and able to pass every test a teacher could throw at him was what must be a turn on, because half of the girls at his school would ask him to the Homecoming dance when it was still summer vacation.

But amongst all the please and posters and cries for a date, Denim never seemed to see him as more than a friend.

However, he still had hopes that one day she would catch onto his secret feelings.


Race had said he hoped that Aiden would catch on to her “secret” feelings towards him, which Aiden was positive didn’t exist, so it just earned Race a elbow to his gut.

Yet no matter the attention for girls, guys, teachers, or family… Aiden couldn’t escape the loneliness he found himself drowning in.

So, he started going to parties, parties that even Race wouldn’t go to because he knew what kind of "parties" Aiden would be attending.

Alcohol by the cup, by the bottle, by the gallon…turning the world to swirls as he sat back quietly and watched the other drunken idiots do things that they would surely regret later.

However, Aiden found that by drinking alone in the privacy of his bedroom, he could enjoy his divulgence in peace.

Wine, beer, and vodka kept his mind away from the constant throb of loneliness as his parents ignored their son for their own travels and business meetings.

Maybe that’s why he confessed to Megan through a half drunken, half sober, but all emotional phone call.

Everytime it Rains

One night, I was awake and I heard the sounds of rain.

I was at mom's house, and I heard the rain start to pour down the the lightning and thunder crashing throughout the sky.

So I slipped out the front door, stepped into the pouring rain and stood in the street.

Geez, it was so clean and refreshing.

I was really down that night, but the rain really calmed me.

It makes me wish it rained more often.

Yes, it was cold, and yes, I was shivering, but it felt too good not to go out and feel it.

So I love the rain. I love the sounds, the feel, the smell, the taste, everything. I love lighting and thunder, I love going barefoot on wet pavement and listening to amazing music while out in a storm.

Rain really cleansed my soul that night.

"But everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
And everytime it rains,
I know I'm trying to survive.
And everytime it rains,
I'm gonna hide myself inside.

I know it's good to be alive.
I know it's good to be alive.
I know it's good to be alive!"

--Everytime it Rains by Charlotte Martin

Slipping Away

Everyone’s slipping away.

Cody’s going on his mission soon, and I’m getting scared because right now, I’m allowing myself to be selfish and only think of me.

For today.

He’s going, my second brother Cody, is leaving. Braden was honestly what I considered my brother split from my hip at birth. He understood me and really helped me out on the nights where I just felt alone. Cody’s almost like Braden, except he’s already slipping from me before he’s even left.

Not answering or returning phone calls sucks. I think it’s one of the things I hate the most, when someone is obviously trying to reach out to you and you shove them away… It sucks and I hate it. So Cody, why does it feel like you’re already gone when you’re still here?

I guess I should be angry at myself. I guess I suspect people to see how fragile I am right now, but I don’t really tell people that I am. I expect them to see through the overdone smile, the exaggerated laugh, and the animated jokes that I’m actually hurting.

When I get hurt physically, I laugh. A cut, bruise, scrap, or anything else, I laugh. When I’m sad and angry, I over-do every happy emotion because if I don’t, I might just break down into tears when I really don’t want to.

I hate this feeling, that I can’t trust anyone and that honestly nobody has my back. I hate it so much that I cry myself to sleep some nights because I feel so freaking alone.

Unfortunately for me, the more alone I feel, the more I seem to distance myself. Not that it really matters; nobody’s coming after me anyway.

I think I need to leave Utah. I’ve been dreaming it up, but haven’t had my savings or plans succeed in any shape yet. I really want to go to Seattle, a good distance away and I can just get away from everything. My dissolving friends that once supported me so heavily, the places where bad memories still lie, and from everything familiar and throw myself into something unknown and new that I’ll have to work at thriving instead of dragging myself through life.

I think I just need to get away from everything that’s me. The people I once knew, the places that once contained me, and the familiar faces of those who still judge me.

So please, Seattle, let me save enough money and actually follow through with something I want and possibly need.

How to be Stressed Out

There are many videos of how to's. How to do your hair, how to be gangster... even how to play with a butterfly knife. So, here's my how to on how to be stressed.

One: Have a lot of people depend on you: This step is very easy if you're a good mom, sister, friend, or even person. As being a good person makes more people want to know you, it also makes them want your help. They want your help with homework, babysitting, and other things. Being a good person leads to stress.

Two: Have nobody to depend on yourself: This step is essential to being a stressed filled person. If you feel that you have basically no one to complain to and whine to about how stressed you are, this will only make you feel more stressed by bottling up the emotion. While you could use your blog, it doesn't really matter because few people read it anyway, so you're really only writing down how much of a whiner you really are.

Three: Have friends: Having friends make people want to do things, namely, things that involve money. These actives include movie tickets, Lagoon, and going out to eat. Doing these things leads to stress number four.

Four: Have no money: This step is easy. Simply get a crappy and low paying job. This job should give you an unsure/uneven amount of hours so you never have a set paycheck.

Five: Have a lot of stuff you need to pay for: Whether it be fun or essential, this step always increases one's level of stress. You need medicine because your head hurts? Too bad, little missy! You don't have money for it! Want to go to the movies with friends you haven't seen in a long time and some are going on their missions? Not today you can't! Need to buy some new clothes because all you own is work clothes? No can do, lassie! Timmy fell in the well and you need to pay the next door neighbor for a ladder? Too bad for lil' Tim, looks like you're living down there until a few more paychecks come along!

Seven: Live away from family: By doing this step alone can increase your stress level tremendously. While living with family could be deemed stressful, I can assure you, it is much more stressful to live where you have to pay for everything. These things include necessitous like food, shelter, and Internet so you can vent to others about how stressed you are.

Eight: Have a terrible job: Yes, it's true! If your job sucks, it can make your life suck! If most of your time is spent at a job where, let's say, you get crappy pay, get frequently yelled at all day by costumers and supervisors alike, and cry in the stockrooms, your stress level will increase immediately.

Nine: Don't complain: By learning this simple rule from childhood, you too can learn to bottle up every emotion that others deem "bad" such as complaining and learning not to complain to anyone! This also includes crying about troubles and yelling at being angry. Remember kids, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Ten: Have people yell at you and take it: Yes, whenever someone yells at you, teach yourself now not to fight back! No matter it be in person, over the phone, email, or through a text message! Remember to smile and apologize for things that aren't your fault and not tell anyone else about the yelling incident.

SO by following these simple steps, you too can learn to be stressed! Have a great, stressful day, and remember, be stressed!! :0)

QUOTES I LIKE ON STRESSING:

"Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it."

"Brain cells create ideas. Stress kills brain cells. Stress is not a good idea." --Frederick Saunders

"Stress is nothing more than a sociably acceptable form of mental illness." --Richard Carlson

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

"Maturity is achieved when a person accepts life as full of tension." -Joshua L. Liebman

"A poor life this if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare." -William Henry Davies

"Stress is poison." -Agavé Powers

"When I look at my hands and in my heart, I see stress as Lady Macbeth saw blood." -Berri Clove