Build, Break, and Build Again

The afternoon before Brandon left, he promised he would call me to say good bye.

Too bad he didn't.

I eventually ended up calling him in the morning, only to basically find out he wasn't planning on calling me last night.

...

Ouch.

My heart always feels a bit tighter when I remember this. Was... I not worth calling? Why couldn't I get a reason, or a heads up? Why do I care? I should let him go, right?

Yeah, well for that phone call, we where supposed to decided what "we" where going to do.

So now, I'm holding onto thin words and hidden promises that are half broken.

I haven't bothered to write him. If I do, I think it would be angst, and I don't want to unleash everything that's a blue hot flame inside of me.

No, I think I'll keep caged up for a long time... longer than two years, for all you wondering.

Mainly, I think I'm reacting to all of this with anger, because if I push it aside, I know I'll just be a wreck of tears and mess of snot.

After I hung up with Brandon, I had to catch a bus to work. On this bus, a mentally handicap man was was talking to a girl. I saw in my periphal vision that he pointed at me and said,

"See that girl there? She is beautiful. That girl is beautiful, georgeous she is. So beautiful."

Yeah, that brought back tears into my eyes, (Brandon always answered my phone calls and greeted me with "Hey beautiful) so I bowed my head and started to cry, and suddenly his voice got really quite and said,

"I had a female friend who had a boyfriend break up with her and she was just so sad. It really hurt her. She said her heart felt shattered and she was just so beautiful."

Ha, how did he know how I felt so easily? I would've hugged him if I wasn't so emotionally screwed.

Work was okay. It didn't take my mind off things (I guess people noticed my pink eyes even though my smile was as wide as ever) and wanted to know what was wrong.

A laugh turned them away, but still, the concern in their faces really touched me.

I want to hide away again. A mask of stone doesn't work too well for me. Everyone already knows me as the smiley one, so I will stay that way. Always. I want to lock people out. I think I just need some time to just depend on myself and myself alone.

No boys.

No girls.

No family nor friends.

It's time for me to build, break and build again.