Thoughts as Broken as Myself

I'm not single, but I'm not taken.

I am, simply, empty.

I hurt... mainly at night. One person used to always call me goodnight... and now... now, I bid the empty rooms goodnight. I tell my silent phone to sleep well, and I tell myself to not dream.

Dreams tend to hurt more than usual, lately.

I tend to try to forget people when I can't cope with them being gone.

Braden.

Cody.

Brandon.

Forgetting you is the most cowardly thing to do, yet it is the only way I can keep a smile on my face.

Funny, isn't it? To forget the ones that cause you happiness in order to feign your own?

As I say, in life, you build, break, and build again. It's a life long process... whether others break you or if you break yourself...

...

Brandon was able to call from the airport before he flew out to Arizona.

It hurt. It hurt so much. The way we talked of simplicity and joked around and stayed away from all serious subjects or turned them into jokes like we always do.

It hurt... gosh dang it hurt so much.

Yet, I'm so glad I answered, even though it hurt.

...

Everyone tells me I shouldn't wait, or worse, that I won't. What's so bad in wishing for a fairytale? In trying to believe in their existence?

Everyone says I should believe in "happily ever after"... so why are they discouraging me when I think I've found it?

I tell myself that when someone doubts me, I just need to put twice that amount of faith in myself.

Let's just say I have a lot of faith in myself now.

Thanks for the faith Stacey, Mom, Sjanne, and the countless others that have told me and will tell me that my fairytale ended before it began. Thanks for making me chase harder for something that is still so very far away.

...

I'm afraid to forget.

I'm afraid that I'll forget his smell, or his smile, or his laugh. I'm afraid that I won't remember his voice, or the way he talks, or the way his hand feels in mine. I'm afraid I won't remember the jokes he likes or the foods he doesn't. I'm afraid I won't fit in his arms as perfectly as I used to. I'm afraid that he won't be able to be what I call home anymore and I'm afraid that he'll end up alone and keep all his wonderfulness to himself if he doesn't end up with me. I'm not afraid of being alone, but for his sake and for some lucky girl, I hope he marries and has kids that all look like him.

Most of all, I'm afraid that when I see him and when he sees me, we won't know each other at all...

However, if that's the worst that can happen, I'm okay with that.

What's so bad about delaying (or avoiding all together...) marriage?

Or who knows, maybe I'd have him for eternity...

Maybe not.

It's all so questionable right now.

...

I don't know what I believe in, as of religion. I've grown up with a mindset that I am, no matter what I do or no matter what I have done, condemned.

Perfection will never be good enough.

...

I am afraid of change, yet afraid of staying the same... Why can't I just be in a coma for two years??

..

Red is the ultimate color of sadness... someone wise said that... I can't remember who.

...

I am made of marigolds and wormwood. In this bouquet, I hope to add daisies, if it is possible to make it so.

MY FEELINGS IN OTHERS WORDS

My heart was always her's to hold, but sadly never her's to keep..."

"Time together isn't ever quite enough, when you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home." -Owl City

I've caught your hand – I've caught you – but suddenly, somehow, everything was in the way.

"I see your face in strangers on the street, I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep. And in the lime light, I play it off fine, but I can't handle it when I turn off my nightlight. They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me." -Ke$ha "The Harold Song"

"Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow. There's something out there, far from my home, a longing that I've never known..." -Jack from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

"And breathing is a foreign task, and thinking is too much to ask, and you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights." -Dashboard Confessional, The Brilliant Dance

"I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs, but you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue." -Panic! At the Disco

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." -J.E. Jones

"The courses of true love never did run smooth." -Shakespeare

IN MY OWN WORDS...

"I ran through out the skies, But I must awake from this sleep. For a demon from hell, Heaven can't keep." -J.M. Stetson

‎"I was doing fine, I pushed your memory from my head, only to have you rammed forcefully back in. My heart once again cringed, my head once again reels, and all the hidden emotions I once again feel." -J.M. Stetson

‎"She now knows what is worse than dying, and it's being the only one left standing." -J.M. Stetson

‎"Even if I have to become your enemy, I will protect you. I will fight your battles and die for you too. You are the sun in my life. Without you, there would be no point to grace the world with my endless night. So even if you hate me and push me away, Please... just don't die." -J.M. Stetson

"We're all like a lunar phase, we all go through life long change... but what if we could stay the same? If me and you could always be this way, by my side, would you stay or go away?" -J.M. Stetson