Write it Out.

It's time to write out my thoughts.

Marissa, we used to be so close... than I saw you on Friday and I realized I didn't even know who you where. You're a stranger to me, and what sucks more is that I try to be there for you. Unfortunately, to be there for you, you have to want me to be there for you. Other wise, I'm just in the way. I get it, I'll leave you alone. I'll bow out of your life and I wish the best for you because even though you don't really care about me and you don't really see how everything can work out, I do. I hope you will see how everything will work out too.

Mom, I'm lost. Sometimes, you're my mom. You're compassionate and caring. Other times, you're my demon. I can't say anything right and I'm doomed for failure. Ha, and they call me two faced.

Megan, you're foreign to me as well... what happened? I was okay with you being controlling and bossy, because that's who you where. Now, I don't know you at all, and somehow, no matter how I try to tell myself that it's okay, I know it's not.

Kayla, I still hate you, because the only alternative to hating you is loving you and I can't get screwed over like this again. I can't be in so much pain and hide it for so many years just to have it explode in my face like this. I don't want to get hurt by you. I don't want to smile fakely and feign friendship for you when all I want to do is break your face. I want to scream at you and beat you up and tell you all the things that I still keep locked up and let you see a molecule of the banshee that's yet to be free. So honestly, be glad I'm ignoring you instead of doing the first mentioned idea.

Cody, I haven't written you yet. I'm sorry, I'm just waiting for something good to happen or to write you when I'm in a good mood so I don't write you a letter of bad news and angst.

Connor, you wear the pants in the house and know it... so why do you have to always make me feel so small? I can't say anything, because than mom calls me immature for giving into your antics. She doesn't understand that I fight back not because I'm getting onto your maturity level, but because I won't allow myself to get walked over by you.

Braden, the same is for you as it was for Cody. I haven't written and you probably think I'm a horrible person... that I've forgotten you and don't care. Braden Paulsen, these things are wrong, and I'm sorry that I've probably left you this impression... Truth is, I don't know what to say other than I miss you, and life is harder without talking to you all night long once a month.

Jessica, Rachel, Ashley, you make/made work bearable for me when I really don't even want to get out of bed, let alone go to work just to get yelled at. You laugh at all my stupidity and make me genuinely smile when all I want to do is go into the stockroom by the towels and cry. (not like it hasn't happened before...) But you girls make going to work semi okay, even though you think I'm the happiest person ever.

Rachael, please stop dating the same guy with a different face. The guys who start nice and end sour. If you want to get married or find a nice guy, try a different type... just stop getting hurt so I have to hear the same routine... As much as you hate experiencing it, I hate not being able to say anything to change it. Only you can, so please do.

Shalee, Joel, Sheena, I'm sorry. I'm sorry our movie team is having social difficulties. I hate disagreements and hope everything works out. I hope our power struggle will end soon and we can be friends again.

Shawna, Christina, Amber, Cole, Stacey, Carissa, I should call more. I should write more. Shoo, I should keep in better contact, but I don't. Because why? Because I'm a selfish jerk who'd rather suffer than be happy and actually change something. Sorry about this.

Mitch, I honestly can say I hate what you've become. From being my best friend to a ghost from my past, I hate you. I tried to keep in contact with you, but like Marissa, I just wasn't important enough to keep in your life. The worst part? I told you exactly how I felt and you didn't care. I'm sorry I did.

Toaster, I miss having you here with me. It's nights like this, when I want to do things I know I shouldn't and just need someone to cuddle with that I miss you. My fwoppy eared mm good bunnie, I love you... and I'm sorry that I used you like a tissue... you got so wet on those lonely nights from stupid crying... When I die, you can get sopping wet and I'll still hold you... than maybe we'll call it even.

Brandon, I'm sorry I hyperventilated around your family last time we where around them... at least they couldn't tell, even if you (unfortunately) could. I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but everything is a bit screwed up right now in my mind. Can you tell I'm not exactly happy? I feel... dang, I don't even know. I just feel impassive, and that makes my mind wonder to things that I shouldn't think about... if only I wasn't so scared to tell this to you. No, I'd rather not tell you and just let you enjoy video games and friends... life is easier behind a mask... you proved that with your own.

Me... Did this help? I'm not happy, yet I'm not sad. Everything is in three shades of gray. Nothing more, nothing less. Some moments are happier than others while some are more depressing, but everything eventually goes monotoned again. I think this helped, it listed my thoughts and laid out my feelings... even if they're still a bit jumbled. I can breath at least... and right now, that's all that matters.

-POEM-

"My life is in three shades of gray.
Three personalities that always stay the same.

For if I step outside the boundires of the three,
I'll step into someone, I wouldn't know was me.

And if I had to look her in the eyes,
I might just loose my crafted disguise.

Because if I loose my mask of stone,
I wouldn't know who I am anymore."

-J.M. Stetson