Behind the Computer Keyboard

Behind a keyboard, a computer, for example, you can be whatever you want to be. You can go to chat rooms and be whoever you make yourself to be. You can talk to friends, act happy when you're sad, act sad when you're happy, and say whatever you want with little thought. You think something, your fingers comprehend, and it's there, down on the screen. You usually don't think very much about what you write, it's almost raw and untouched. You write with smiley and frowny faces to express the emotion you're trying to convey and quote other people. You use terrible spelling and you say things you either usually wouldn't or what you write is ten times better than what you would've said...
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Sorrow plays it cool behind a keyboard, happiness is expressed with many exclamation points, and yelling is like typing with with the Caps Lock on. You put an emphasis on a word by capitalizing it in a sentence of regular spelling, and everything just seems so easy.
LOL
BRB
G2G
LUV
R
U
UR
...
The list goes for miles. You can cause great joy over the keyboard, or great pain. Something you say can be taken as being rude, unthoughtful, or uncaring. Something you say to be taken as thoughtful, a heart fluttering moment, or anything like that.
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So next time you want to "chat" with me, please call... I think I'm done with the World Wide Web's way of talking...
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So Just so you guys know, random stuff will probably be making more appearances on my blog... unfortunately for you, it's almost as bad as Spam...

Why I Love the Stars...

STARS

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So I'm up, again, but I'm thinking about stars. I mean, we see one everyday, but what about night? When the millions of stars come out? They come to life in the dark, and I read a quote that is a "no duh" kind of quote, but apply it poetically. "Without darkness, there can be no light."
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So I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. If we didn't have the evils, we wouldn't have the good, or wouldn't notice it as much. So maybe we're like stars. Maybe we're trying to stand out against the darkness of everyone else. Maybe we're all just trying to shine a little brighter, or fade a little to get unnoticed. Maybe some one's wishing for us or on us. Maybe someone else is getting their wish, or maybe the rightful wisher is having their wish is coming true.
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Maybe we're the star gazers. We see so much more darkness than light, but that light which we can see makes us appreciate it that much more. That the light we view is coming from millions of miles and light years away, so it's got to shine bright enough to make it to us.
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Stars amaze me. I loved my Astronomy class I took. The calculations might have sucked, but learning of their lives, it's amazing how much (yet little) goes into making a star and keeping it, how the universe never ends, etc. Maybe we can be like the universe, expand a little more, reach out a little more.
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Even in pain, we have to realize that it's so wonderful to be alive. We have to know that their is more, that everything will be okay eventually... Whether in this life or the next.
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Now don't think I'm going all inspirational. I'm still going to write depressing poetry, I'm still going to whine about my life, but I'm going to try to do it less often, or at least not in front of you guys. ;)
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I love camping, no matter if I'm slightly shivering from the cold, I'll stay those extra two minuets to see and think of the billions of stars we can't even see past the ones we can. Take a look, wish like I was a kid again, and go to sleep with the image deep in my brain.
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A song I think about every time is the song "Yellow" by Cold Play, the line "Look at the stars, see how they shine for you, and everything you do..." I love that line, maybe they shine for me too, because when I see stars, I just feel at peace, even if my life seems to be crashing around me, it could always be worse.
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I could be going through supernovae... O.O

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My funny thoughts

Don't read if you're still all inspired...

- The picture I put up looks like it's causing the end of the dinosaurs... The next Apocalypse!
- No, don't "Shine bright, shine far, don't be shy, be a star!"
- I try too hard to be philosophical...
- That picture is so very fake.
- (sigh) I wish I could put how I feel into words... maybe a poem is coming up soon... I think I'll be all creative and title it: Stars.
- Eh, that's it for now... I'll probably rag on this post later.

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Good night, chickadees, until next time, look to the stars...

You're Beautiful, But...

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, BUT...

They told her, "You're beautiful, but the dark eyeliner makes you look emo."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but your clothes are too dark, you look gothic."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're not as skinny as you used to be."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're too sarcastic, it makes you seem mean."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're hardly ever happy, you're too depressed."

He told her, "You're beautiful."

She asks, "But..."

He looks confused. "But what?"

She's puzzled. "But what makes me still ugly? What do I have to change?"

He smiles. "You're beautiful, nothing about you has to change."

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ALTERNATE ENDING

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They told her, "You're beautiful, but the dark eyeliner makes you look emo."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're clothes are too dark, you look gothic."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're not as skinny as you used to be."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're too sarcastic, it makes you seem mean."

They told her, "You're beautiful, but you're hardly ever happy, you're too depressed."

So she looses the dark liner.

So she looses the dark clothes.

So she looses the weight.

So she looses the sarcasm.

So she looses the sadness.

So she looses herself.

So while she's smiling when she wants to cry,

So while she's being nice when she thought of a good comeback,

So while she's refusing another cookie even though she wants ten more,

So while she's wearing pink when she'd rather wear black,

So while she's applying nice eyeshadow when she'd rather have a black eyeliner pen in hand,

She questions, "Why wasn't I beautiful before?"

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So which do you like better? The first one is shorter, less reptitive, the last one is kinda reptitive, but more likely to happen. ;) It's kinda based on me, both of them, loosely, but still there. I also had another of the same thing (the intro of "You're beautiful, but...") But she gives reasons of why she likes what she does/why she does it. But, I thought you guys would have enough of that intro of "You're beautiful, but..."

Let me know which one you like better, why, and any advice on if I could make them better. Ta ta!

To the One

Here's a poem of my past relationships, whether they were offical or not. Just a free verse thingy... Enjoy or not.

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To the One

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-To the One I'm with now-

I'm sorry if I break your heart,

I'm sorry that you're breaking mine,

I'm sorry I ignored you, but don't feel alone,

I ignored everyone today.

I know you want me to be happy again,

But I want the same for you,

Don't you understand?

I'm sorry that you don't.

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-To the One who faked it-

I'm sorry that you gave up on me because someone told you to.

I'm sorry that you never gave me a real reason of why you left,

I'm sorry you're trying to be my friend,

When all I want is for you to leave me alone.

I'm sorry you played with my heart like it was a toy.

I'm sorry I let you.

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-To the One who tried to change me-

I'm sorry you're so very full of yourself,

I'm sorry you thought you could make me better,

When you only shattered the broken peices of what was left of me.

I'm sorry you think I left for no reason.

I'm sorry you thought I was your perfect girl.

I'm sorry I let you change me, deform me, and try to restrain me from being myself.

I'm sorry that you can't see what you did was wrong.

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-To the One with no emotional ties-

I'm sorry that we never really got to know each other,

I'm sorry that we slipped from each other's mind.

I'm sorry that we didn't really try to revive what we had.

I'm sorry you're still alone.

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-To the One who broke me-

I'm sorry you don't care about what you did,

About what effect it had on me.

I'm sorry you only apoligized when I started going out with your friend.

I'm sorry that you don't know how much you hurt me,

I'm sorry you don't know how it haunts me still.

I'm sorry I trusted you.

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-To the One I broke-

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

For everything.

Bored.

It's spring break, and what am I doing?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm bored out of my mind. I have nothing to do because I'm stuck in Ogden with no friends and no job. I have nothing to do but literally waste my life. I wish I was doing something fun. On vacation or chilling with friends. But no, instead, I sit on my butt, looking at the opposing wall trying to think of a way to be intertaining.

I'm lonely, nobody talks to me, ever. Mom's always busy, Stacey never answers her phone and nobody else calls me. Heck, why would they? I wouldn't... I would have nothing to talk to myself about.

I guess this is just my pity party, but I think I deserve one. I don't have money to spend so it's not like I can even go out and have fun. I'd have to walk or bus it there anyway, and my roommates tend to get worried when I walk around at one in the morning. But honestly, what else is there to do?

I literally have NOTHING. Mom says to find a job, but does she realize it took me about five months to get the one I had? Now, I'm stuck with nothing, nothing but popsicals and grief of the boredom that has become my existance.

I'm tiered of being me. I wish I was someone new and exciting, I wish I could BECOME someone new and exciting, but that's easier said than done. Instead, I'm left alone in an apartment that has now become a cage. Maybe I'll just get some sleep aids and sleep away spring break. I have nothing better to do, so why not just sleep it away?

I wish I had something to be busy about. Being in a sport. a play, something I could have to make me forget about the rest of my life. That would be so grand. But alas, there is no such thing. I have NOTHING. How many times must I say this? NOTHING. No one to talk to or do things with. Everyone else has a life and I'm just trying to find a reason to keep being awake for mine. Sleep sounds good, not eternal, just until monday.

My friends are in Centerville, and I wish I was too. Anywhere but here. I wish I had friends. Good friends up here in Ogden, but I guess I'm meant to be lonely or something... I've tried making friends and look where that's landed me. Empy names and meanings.

I'm lonely, I'm bored, and those two alone are painful enough without all this noise in my life. I'm now being censored on what I even write on facebook, mom says no more emo status's. Why not? They're fun. They kinda make me feel better because it makes me realize someone can put what I feel into words. Besides, let's face it. We all can't be a bright little ray of sunshine 24 hours. Maybe I'll just delete the facebook account anyway...

I just wish there was a little vile of magic potion that would make me have friends, and people who care about me. I'm tiered of feeling left out and alone, of being bored and ignored. I'm tiered of being me. I have nothing, nothing that isn't already broken or slipping away.

People complain about their jobs and work, well at least they HAVE something. Something to keep them occupied and something to give them a little pocket change. I have NOTHING. When people do call and ask what I've been up to, I can't tell them anything. I haven't been up to anything. Then they tell me the wonders of their lives, the friends they have and the jobs they hold, and I get jealous. So maybe it's a good thing nobody keeps in contact with me.

I'll just crawl back into my shell, stay there until I feel better or healed, which might take a while, but hey, like anyone would even notice.

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Song for the day- Everytime It Rains by Charlotte Martin

Everytime it rains, I listen to the sky,
I wonder what's so great about sunsine.
So everybody lives, and everybody dies,
And no one's gonna love you like I do.

When it was getting dark I, didn't need a match
I never need light to see you.

You thought I disapear but,
I was always here, I could never get that far from you.
I've misunderstand, and been misunderstood,
So love me 'cause you can, and not because you should...

Everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
And everytime it rains,
I know I'm trying to survive.

So take it as it comes,
And take me as I am.
I never was a good imposter,
Well I know how to dream,
But don't know where I stand.
I'm willing to admit I tried too hard.
Stop playing with my heart,
I'm waiting by the phone,
Afraid to be myself,
Afraid to be alone.

Well everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
And everytime it rains.
I know I'm trying to survive.

And everytime it rains,
I'm gonna hide myself inside.

I know it's good to be alive.
I know it's good to be alive.
I know it's good to be alive.

Everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
Everytime it rains,
I know I'm trying to survive.

Everytime it rains,
Everytime it rains,
Everytime it rains,
Everytime it rains...

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Buy her song on iTunes or listen to it on youtube.com. Either way, I love this song, it's my sad day song and right now it's just on repeat.

May your lives not be half as boring as mine...

"And she turns up the music to drown out her life..."

More Depressing Poetry

YOUR MASK

I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired from crying about you all those stupid times.

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I get so far, only to be pushed away,

Tell me honestly, do you want me to stay?

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I feel alone more now than ever,

Tell me a secret? You wouldn't, never.

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I've been nothing but trustworthy, and now look where I am,

Still alone, still the same, still running into dead ends.

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Why can't I know? Why must you not tell?

Where was it that I suddenly fell?

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Your mask, I hate it, I'll rip it to shreds,

If only you would let me inside your head.

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I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired from crying about you all those stupid times.

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I only get to know this, I have to guess that,

Is this where you want this relationship at?

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I put all my trust in you, yet I deserve nothing back,

How am I supposed to stay if my heart's under attack?

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You tell me not to care, you say you're no big deal,

What do I have to do to make you feel altogether healed?

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I can't play this game, it's just a sick joke,

My emotions were a toy, now all I feel is chocked...

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I don't understand, what you want and what you say,

If you really want me here, than please ask me to stay.

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I'm tired of feeling foolish, of being stupid and ignored,

I'm so very close to walking out that door...

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I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired of shedding all these tears and endless cries.

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I wish you'd understand, just try to see,

Why I care so much, why it's so hard to be me.

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I could give you my heart, my being, my soul,

But I don't think it'd be enough for you to hold.

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I feel so abandoned, my heart is in anguish,

The pain I'm feeling, take it away, I wish.

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The pain you're causing me is nothing short of cruel,

I feel so stupid, I feel the part of the fool.

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I'll leave your life, if you just say the words,

But ask me to stay and my world is yours.

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I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired of feeling my heart slowly start to die.

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To make you happy, I'd do anything,

So just tell me now, either to stay or to leave...

More Poetry

WITHOUT YOU

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I hurt, my entire being hurts so very much,

And I wish for one last time to feel your touch.

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Alone, I feel like dirt

Why is it without you I hurt?

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My heart, my soul, my being is dead,

Everything in my life has again been riped to shreds.

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I feel my emotions turn into a heavy blank stone,

Better to feel nothing than to feel so alone.

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And again when I fall asleep to my own cries,

At least I'll think of you tonight as I die.

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Another random poem, I'm really not alone or so emo, just a lot is happening with my life (car is broken and I don't know if it'll get fix which means I might be out of a job and such) and that makes me cringe to just think about. So I wrote this because I'm kind of feeling alone and I just don't know what to do about it. Comments?