Thoughts as Broken as Myself

I'm not single, but I'm not taken.

I am, simply, empty.

I hurt... mainly at night. One person used to always call me goodnight... and now... now, I bid the empty rooms goodnight. I tell my silent phone to sleep well, and I tell myself to not dream.

Dreams tend to hurt more than usual, lately.

I tend to try to forget people when I can't cope with them being gone.

Braden.

Cody.

Brandon.

Forgetting you is the most cowardly thing to do, yet it is the only way I can keep a smile on my face.

Funny, isn't it? To forget the ones that cause you happiness in order to feign your own?

As I say, in life, you build, break, and build again. It's a life long process... whether others break you or if you break yourself...

...

Brandon was able to call from the airport before he flew out to Arizona.

It hurt. It hurt so much. The way we talked of simplicity and joked around and stayed away from all serious subjects or turned them into jokes like we always do.

It hurt... gosh dang it hurt so much.

Yet, I'm so glad I answered, even though it hurt.

...

Everyone tells me I shouldn't wait, or worse, that I won't. What's so bad in wishing for a fairytale? In trying to believe in their existence?

Everyone says I should believe in "happily ever after"... so why are they discouraging me when I think I've found it?

I tell myself that when someone doubts me, I just need to put twice that amount of faith in myself.

Let's just say I have a lot of faith in myself now.

Thanks for the faith Stacey, Mom, Sjanne, and the countless others that have told me and will tell me that my fairytale ended before it began. Thanks for making me chase harder for something that is still so very far away.

...

I'm afraid to forget.

I'm afraid that I'll forget his smell, or his smile, or his laugh. I'm afraid that I won't remember his voice, or the way he talks, or the way his hand feels in mine. I'm afraid I won't remember the jokes he likes or the foods he doesn't. I'm afraid I won't fit in his arms as perfectly as I used to. I'm afraid that he won't be able to be what I call home anymore and I'm afraid that he'll end up alone and keep all his wonderfulness to himself if he doesn't end up with me. I'm not afraid of being alone, but for his sake and for some lucky girl, I hope he marries and has kids that all look like him.

Most of all, I'm afraid that when I see him and when he sees me, we won't know each other at all...

However, if that's the worst that can happen, I'm okay with that.

What's so bad about delaying (or avoiding all together...) marriage?

Or who knows, maybe I'd have him for eternity...

Maybe not.

It's all so questionable right now.

...

I don't know what I believe in, as of religion. I've grown up with a mindset that I am, no matter what I do or no matter what I have done, condemned.

Perfection will never be good enough.

...

I am afraid of change, yet afraid of staying the same... Why can't I just be in a coma for two years??

..

Red is the ultimate color of sadness... someone wise said that... I can't remember who.

...

I am made of marigolds and wormwood. In this bouquet, I hope to add daisies, if it is possible to make it so.

MY FEELINGS IN OTHERS WORDS

My heart was always her's to hold, but sadly never her's to keep..."

"Time together isn't ever quite enough, when you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home." -Owl City

I've caught your hand – I've caught you – but suddenly, somehow, everything was in the way.

"I see your face in strangers on the street, I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep. And in the lime light, I play it off fine, but I can't handle it when I turn off my nightlight. They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me." -Ke$ha "The Harold Song"

"Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow. There's something out there, far from my home, a longing that I've never known..." -Jack from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

"And breathing is a foreign task, and thinking is too much to ask, and you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights." -Dashboard Confessional, The Brilliant Dance

"I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs, but you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue." -Panic! At the Disco

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." -J.E. Jones

"The courses of true love never did run smooth." -Shakespeare

IN MY OWN WORDS...

"I ran through out the skies, But I must awake from this sleep. For a demon from hell, Heaven can't keep." -J.M. Stetson

‎"I was doing fine, I pushed your memory from my head, only to have you rammed forcefully back in. My heart once again cringed, my head once again reels, and all the hidden emotions I once again feel." -J.M. Stetson

‎"She now knows what is worse than dying, and it's being the only one left standing." -J.M. Stetson

‎"Even if I have to become your enemy, I will protect you. I will fight your battles and die for you too. You are the sun in my life. Without you, there would be no point to grace the world with my endless night. So even if you hate me and push me away, Please... just don't die." -J.M. Stetson

"We're all like a lunar phase, we all go through life long change... but what if we could stay the same? If me and you could always be this way, by my side, would you stay or go away?" -J.M. Stetson

The Brilliant Dance

"So this is odd.
The painful realization that all is gone wrong.
That nobody cares at all.
And nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lovers cloths,
And burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn't make it any better,
Does it make it any better?

And the plaster dented from your fist,
In the hall where you had your first kiss,
Reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance,
Where nobody leads at all.
Where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down,
And the ringing from this empty sound,
And keeping you from sleep.

And breathing is a foreign task,
And thinking is too much to ask,
And you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights.

Well this is incredible,
Starving insatiable,
Yes this is love for the first time,
Would you like to think that you were invincible?
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time. "

--Dashboard Confessional

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2HlAAuCvlg

The Meaning of Life

One of the most sought out answers among those who still walk among us. A text message to most of my contacts in my phone brought many answers. You may choose the best among them as your own meaning of life.

42

The meaning of life is to learn that death is not the end, that we will transcend death according to how we live in life.

SEX!

Butter

Love. Finding it, what it is, and what it means to you. Loving that person, loving family, friends, and everyone. But more important... yourself.

Make people happy and have fun!!

To build, break, and build again. However, everytime you shatter, you must rebuild yourself stronger.

To do the best with the one you get! :)

To follow Gods commandments and to achieve everlasting life.

Whatever your heart wants it to be!

To make babies. Duh!

42!

Don't know... there are many reasons.

Meaning is assigned. :) There is no inherent meaning.

42

Cheese.

I would say food, haha! I'm kidding. More like family and friends.

Oh, I want to say sex. :) And if you don't like that, it can be whatever you want it to be. :)

I don't know, if I knew, I'd be happy with mine!

Siren blood curse.

To hear someone say "I love you" and mean it.

Build, Break, and Build Again

The afternoon before Brandon left, he promised he would call me to say good bye.

Too bad he didn't.

I eventually ended up calling him in the morning, only to basically find out he wasn't planning on calling me last night.

...

Ouch.

My heart always feels a bit tighter when I remember this. Was... I not worth calling? Why couldn't I get a reason, or a heads up? Why do I care? I should let him go, right?

Yeah, well for that phone call, we where supposed to decided what "we" where going to do.

So now, I'm holding onto thin words and hidden promises that are half broken.

I haven't bothered to write him. If I do, I think it would be angst, and I don't want to unleash everything that's a blue hot flame inside of me.

No, I think I'll keep caged up for a long time... longer than two years, for all you wondering.

Mainly, I think I'm reacting to all of this with anger, because if I push it aside, I know I'll just be a wreck of tears and mess of snot.

After I hung up with Brandon, I had to catch a bus to work. On this bus, a mentally handicap man was was talking to a girl. I saw in my periphal vision that he pointed at me and said,

"See that girl there? She is beautiful. That girl is beautiful, georgeous she is. So beautiful."

Yeah, that brought back tears into my eyes, (Brandon always answered my phone calls and greeted me with "Hey beautiful) so I bowed my head and started to cry, and suddenly his voice got really quite and said,

"I had a female friend who had a boyfriend break up with her and she was just so sad. It really hurt her. She said her heart felt shattered and she was just so beautiful."

Ha, how did he know how I felt so easily? I would've hugged him if I wasn't so emotionally screwed.

Work was okay. It didn't take my mind off things (I guess people noticed my pink eyes even though my smile was as wide as ever) and wanted to know what was wrong.

A laugh turned them away, but still, the concern in their faces really touched me.

I want to hide away again. A mask of stone doesn't work too well for me. Everyone already knows me as the smiley one, so I will stay that way. Always. I want to lock people out. I think I just need some time to just depend on myself and myself alone.

No boys.

No girls.

No family nor friends.

It's time for me to build, break and build again.

Leaving Fairytales

The sun shone bright,
And my smile was easy to find.
I could laugh again,
And you were always at my side.

I was in a fairytale.

You knew all my sorrows,
My tears where always dried.
You made me smile again,
When all I wanted to do was cry.

I was in a fairytale.

You know me inside out,
You always where so great.
We shared everything,
Until December eighth.

You made my life a fairytale.

You made me happy,
You made me smile.
You made me feel,
You made life worthwhile.

You made my life a fairytale,
But I must awake from this sleep.
For even a demon from hell,
Heaven can't keep.

So I let you go,
And I really cried.
But I always knew,
Our love had an end time.

Our fairytale was beautiful,
Even without a happily ever after.
For all the tears we cried,
We had twice as much laughter.

And as I sit alone in tears I wonder,
Which is worse of these two things?
To leave everything behind,
Or have your everything leave?

Random Tangents as of December 3rd

I have an amazing story plot that I can't get out of my head and can't write down. Suck.

I bought a mouse for my laptop... it's nice to have instead of just the touchy feely one.

I got a taste of acting again... and I'm starving for more.

Thanksgiving was friggin' depressing... I don't have high hopes for Christmas.

I laugh at the gore-y parts in movies... Kinda weird.

Life is a countdown right now... I won't lie. That count down? How many more days I get to selfishly have Brandon. How many days left? Including December 3rd, six.

Brandon and I celebrated our last anniversary together. (A year and two months of our relationship) ...and I cried. He's so sweet. I would hold him for days if I could.

I wish people could read my thoughts. People don't realize how mad I am at them until they ask me if I'm okay and I take all censors off on my "happy girl" act. It's funny when they look like I just slapped them. Verbal slaps always win over physical ones... it's nice to know how well crafted my fakity is.

After December 8th, I'll be depressed... Just a heads up.

I. Need. To. Write.

I am three shades of gray, forever and always.

I work too much and make too little. Debt keeps rising and my hopes for paying it off sooner than later are fading.

I hate Christmas. Too much retail to enjoy what it's really about.

I'm numb, and it sucks. I guess I'm not numb, no, not really numb. More like I have so much on my plate that I just don't see how it could get worse... but it wouldn't be a shocker if it did.

Wow... I'm frigging pessimistic. Sorry. :)

I like the band Broken Toy Airplanes... she's a good singer and reminds me of Owl City. :)

The band PlayRadioPlay! Sings a song that I love called "I am a Pirate, You are a Princess", and in it the song says "Everyone will love us, even Courtney will love us". Courtney heard me listening/singing the song and got really excited when she heard her name... It was too freakin' cute.

Boys make me mad. Don't make fun of me when you barely know me, it's not funny. Rachael can because she's known me since 7th grade and I can whip a comeback at her and we won't take it offensively. I honestly felt bullied tonight by someone who "thinks I'm awesome", yet made fun of me until I wanted to punch his face. It was mean and hurtful and not funny. You made me want to cry, Andrew. What did I ever freakin' do to you?

I need to stop blogging late at night... it's not good for me trying to be optimistic. :)
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Song of my Mood...

---
"Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so...

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got"
--Linkin Park, Waiting for the End

-Insert Creative Title Here-

I have a story line in mind that I would love to write.

Well poop, I can't. My Microsoft is still AWOL and I'm still stuck with this plot line running circles in my mind.

Poop.

I would love to spill it all here, but that wouldn't be as awesome as writing it out.

And wow do I want to write it out.

Instead, here is some emo poetry. Lucky you guys...

POETRY

‎"I am calm, I am unmoving. I sit quietly as the world keeps moving. I am hurt, I am broken, but these feelings are unspoken. I smile and hide behind a mask of giggles, yet you know that those are lies. For all you have to do to see me is look me in the eyes. Thank you for being able to do so." -J.M. Stetson

"If my heart could talk to yours, it would sing. It would sing to yours of all my hidden feelings. But if your heart heard mine's solo of love and fret, would yours join mine in a peaceful duet?" -J.M. Stetson

"There's a crack in your heart and I'll be the one to make sure it heals, just don't pull out the sutures I used to stitch it back together again. Please leave the stitches in and take good care of them, for I took them from my heart to use them to heal yours." J.M. Stetson

The last one wasn't too rhym-y, but it was just something that's true.