To the One

Here's a poem of my past relationships, whether they were offical or not. Just a free verse thingy... Enjoy or not.

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To the One

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-To the One I'm with now-

I'm sorry if I break your heart,

I'm sorry that you're breaking mine,

I'm sorry I ignored you, but don't feel alone,

I ignored everyone today.

I know you want me to be happy again,

But I want the same for you,

Don't you understand?

I'm sorry that you don't.

---

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-To the One who faked it-

I'm sorry that you gave up on me because someone told you to.

I'm sorry that you never gave me a real reason of why you left,

I'm sorry you're trying to be my friend,

When all I want is for you to leave me alone.

I'm sorry you played with my heart like it was a toy.

I'm sorry I let you.

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-To the One who tried to change me-

I'm sorry you're so very full of yourself,

I'm sorry you thought you could make me better,

When you only shattered the broken peices of what was left of me.

I'm sorry you think I left for no reason.

I'm sorry you thought I was your perfect girl.

I'm sorry I let you change me, deform me, and try to restrain me from being myself.

I'm sorry that you can't see what you did was wrong.

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-To the One with no emotional ties-

I'm sorry that we never really got to know each other,

I'm sorry that we slipped from each other's mind.

I'm sorry that we didn't really try to revive what we had.

I'm sorry you're still alone.

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-To the One who broke me-

I'm sorry you don't care about what you did,

About what effect it had on me.

I'm sorry you only apoligized when I started going out with your friend.

I'm sorry that you don't know how much you hurt me,

I'm sorry you don't know how it haunts me still.

I'm sorry I trusted you.

---

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-To the One I broke-

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

For everything.

Bored.

It's spring break, and what am I doing?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm bored out of my mind. I have nothing to do because I'm stuck in Ogden with no friends and no job. I have nothing to do but literally waste my life. I wish I was doing something fun. On vacation or chilling with friends. But no, instead, I sit on my butt, looking at the opposing wall trying to think of a way to be intertaining.

I'm lonely, nobody talks to me, ever. Mom's always busy, Stacey never answers her phone and nobody else calls me. Heck, why would they? I wouldn't... I would have nothing to talk to myself about.

I guess this is just my pity party, but I think I deserve one. I don't have money to spend so it's not like I can even go out and have fun. I'd have to walk or bus it there anyway, and my roommates tend to get worried when I walk around at one in the morning. But honestly, what else is there to do?

I literally have NOTHING. Mom says to find a job, but does she realize it took me about five months to get the one I had? Now, I'm stuck with nothing, nothing but popsicals and grief of the boredom that has become my existance.

I'm tiered of being me. I wish I was someone new and exciting, I wish I could BECOME someone new and exciting, but that's easier said than done. Instead, I'm left alone in an apartment that has now become a cage. Maybe I'll just get some sleep aids and sleep away spring break. I have nothing better to do, so why not just sleep it away?

I wish I had something to be busy about. Being in a sport. a play, something I could have to make me forget about the rest of my life. That would be so grand. But alas, there is no such thing. I have NOTHING. How many times must I say this? NOTHING. No one to talk to or do things with. Everyone else has a life and I'm just trying to find a reason to keep being awake for mine. Sleep sounds good, not eternal, just until monday.

My friends are in Centerville, and I wish I was too. Anywhere but here. I wish I had friends. Good friends up here in Ogden, but I guess I'm meant to be lonely or something... I've tried making friends and look where that's landed me. Empy names and meanings.

I'm lonely, I'm bored, and those two alone are painful enough without all this noise in my life. I'm now being censored on what I even write on facebook, mom says no more emo status's. Why not? They're fun. They kinda make me feel better because it makes me realize someone can put what I feel into words. Besides, let's face it. We all can't be a bright little ray of sunshine 24 hours. Maybe I'll just delete the facebook account anyway...

I just wish there was a little vile of magic potion that would make me have friends, and people who care about me. I'm tiered of feeling left out and alone, of being bored and ignored. I'm tiered of being me. I have nothing, nothing that isn't already broken or slipping away.

People complain about their jobs and work, well at least they HAVE something. Something to keep them occupied and something to give them a little pocket change. I have NOTHING. When people do call and ask what I've been up to, I can't tell them anything. I haven't been up to anything. Then they tell me the wonders of their lives, the friends they have and the jobs they hold, and I get jealous. So maybe it's a good thing nobody keeps in contact with me.

I'll just crawl back into my shell, stay there until I feel better or healed, which might take a while, but hey, like anyone would even notice.

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Song for the day- Everytime It Rains by Charlotte Martin

Everytime it rains, I listen to the sky,
I wonder what's so great about sunsine.
So everybody lives, and everybody dies,
And no one's gonna love you like I do.

When it was getting dark I, didn't need a match
I never need light to see you.

You thought I disapear but,
I was always here, I could never get that far from you.
I've misunderstand, and been misunderstood,
So love me 'cause you can, and not because you should...

Everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
And everytime it rains,
I know I'm trying to survive.

So take it as it comes,
And take me as I am.
I never was a good imposter,
Well I know how to dream,
But don't know where I stand.
I'm willing to admit I tried too hard.
Stop playing with my heart,
I'm waiting by the phone,
Afraid to be myself,
Afraid to be alone.

Well everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
And everytime it rains.
I know I'm trying to survive.

And everytime it rains,
I'm gonna hide myself inside.

I know it's good to be alive.
I know it's good to be alive.
I know it's good to be alive.

Everytime it rains,
I know it's good to be alive.
Everytime it rains,
I know I'm trying to survive.

Everytime it rains,
Everytime it rains,
Everytime it rains,
Everytime it rains...

---

Buy her song on iTunes or listen to it on youtube.com. Either way, I love this song, it's my sad day song and right now it's just on repeat.

May your lives not be half as boring as mine...

"And she turns up the music to drown out her life..."

More Depressing Poetry

YOUR MASK

I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired from crying about you all those stupid times.

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I get so far, only to be pushed away,

Tell me honestly, do you want me to stay?

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I feel alone more now than ever,

Tell me a secret? You wouldn't, never.

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I've been nothing but trustworthy, and now look where I am,

Still alone, still the same, still running into dead ends.

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Why can't I know? Why must you not tell?

Where was it that I suddenly fell?

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Your mask, I hate it, I'll rip it to shreds,

If only you would let me inside your head.

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I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired from crying about you all those stupid times.

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I only get to know this, I have to guess that,

Is this where you want this relationship at?

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I put all my trust in you, yet I deserve nothing back,

How am I supposed to stay if my heart's under attack?

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You tell me not to care, you say you're no big deal,

What do I have to do to make you feel altogether healed?

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I can't play this game, it's just a sick joke,

My emotions were a toy, now all I feel is chocked...

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I don't understand, what you want and what you say,

If you really want me here, than please ask me to stay.

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I'm tired of feeling foolish, of being stupid and ignored,

I'm so very close to walking out that door...

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I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired of shedding all these tears and endless cries.

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I wish you'd understand, just try to see,

Why I care so much, why it's so hard to be me.

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I could give you my heart, my being, my soul,

But I don't think it'd be enough for you to hold.

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I feel so abandoned, my heart is in anguish,

The pain I'm feeling, take it away, I wish.

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The pain you're causing me is nothing short of cruel,

I feel so stupid, I feel the part of the fool.

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I'll leave your life, if you just say the words,

But ask me to stay and my world is yours.

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I'm tired of your mask, I'm tired of your lies,

I'm tired of feeling my heart slowly start to die.

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To make you happy, I'd do anything,

So just tell me now, either to stay or to leave...

More Poetry

WITHOUT YOU

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I hurt, my entire being hurts so very much,

And I wish for one last time to feel your touch.

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Alone, I feel like dirt

Why is it without you I hurt?

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My heart, my soul, my being is dead,

Everything in my life has again been riped to shreds.

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I feel my emotions turn into a heavy blank stone,

Better to feel nothing than to feel so alone.

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And again when I fall asleep to my own cries,

At least I'll think of you tonight as I die.

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Another random poem, I'm really not alone or so emo, just a lot is happening with my life (car is broken and I don't know if it'll get fix which means I might be out of a job and such) and that makes me cringe to just think about. So I wrote this because I'm kind of feeling alone and I just don't know what to do about it. Comments?

To See You Smile

--TO SEE YOU SMILE--

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All I ever wanted to do was make you smile,

Hear your laugh; make you stay a while.

Stand next to me as the sands of time blow,

Ignoring the gusts as we keep our heads low.

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Together we stand, tightly holding hands,

But now you're gone, slipping away like dry sand...

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I felt you slipping, I tried grasping you tighter,

But it seemed like you only fell that much harder...

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I'm lost, afraid, and very confused,

I'm feeling like I'm fading, feeling so bruised.

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My heart's not shattered, but it's getting close,

Because you're leaving, the one I care for the most.

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I held my heart out to you, out in my hand,

An offering to you, I thought you'd understand.

But you turned away, leaving me be,

Then why does it feel so lonely to be me?

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I felt a part of me break, my heart falters,

This can't be the end when you're all that matters.

I won't turn away, I'm still on the fight,

To help make everything in your life right.

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But helping you is harder then you think,

When you turn away, my heart seems to shrink.

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We've been friends before, we could do it again,

Anything to make you happy, to see that grin.

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And if from away from me you turn, asking me to leave,

I'll smile to your face, but inside my heart will grieve.

You'll say to leave you alone, you don't want me anymore,

And I'll fade into the distance, but my heart will be sore...

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But to see you smile, to make you laugh,

I would do anything to bring it back.

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I'm tired of treading through shallow pools,

The way my heart feels, this anguish is cruel.

When will you let me, to help and understand,

When will you let me retake your hand?

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I'd do anything, to see your beam,

Even if that means getting rid of me.

But if by chance, you ask me to stay,

Facing me to take the pain you caused away,

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Maybe we could start all over and forget the bad days,

Watching as the worries of the world fade away.

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I'd do anything to see you smile,

I'd walk a hundred million miles.

Realizing my heart's not a toy,

And then you could be my boy.

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S---Slipping on

M--Masked

I---Indifferent

L---Lies of

E---Emotion

No real reason for posting this, just late at night (almost 4am) and thought of this idea, wrote it into a poem and, tada! Crap filled poem of stupidity! I dont' really have a rhyme scheem and I used multipul rhymes mulitipul times, but other then that, it's okay.

Loves- Nay

All Hallow's Eve

HAPPY ALL HALLOWS EVE! (A.K.A.- Halloween) Oh goodness I love it so! My friend Mitch and I were really the only ones decked out, but many people were semi dressed up. We had four vampires, none of which, where from Twilight. Anyway, enjoy what I've posted!

Oh! And a little afternote: I know what I want to be for next Halloween!

My supa-fly hat! That's... not even mine... :)
My pumkin! It's Robin from Teen Titans... Cool huh?! :)

Awesome face shot...

Back shot of the wings that were amazing!

Me and Mitch, he's some kind of emo/goth, but we look super chill!

Long Time, No Posting.

I have... a problem. I'll admit it. I can't seem to be able to post anything on time. Halloween, yeah. Favorite holiday and still, no pictures in site. They will be up soon, but I feel bad about no posting/pictures/anything really. So here's an update from October-ish.

I am currently dating a great boy who accepts me for who I am and what I am and knows I can change, but isn't going to force it upon me. I'm still attending WSU and taking classes of theatre, English, Socioligy, and Math. I love my theatre class! I wish it was a little harder, but hey, I'll take any stage time I can get! I'm currently employed with a company called Rise. I basically can watch children and adults with mental handicaps from 3-64 years old and assist them in every day activites. It's a great job and I love doing what I do! I still have my high school friends (mostly) and am making new friends as well. I might not have any direction in my life currently planned, but obviously I'm doing something right, because for now, everything is okay.

As of any news recently, I have nothing. Just the above listed. So, technically, you didn't miss much. I've deprived the camera much picture taking, and so I will post some soon. But, you have to realize my "absence" of blogging could be the absence of internet in my new apartment, so I can only blog on mom's computer and you know how hard it IS to get on mom's computer. :) Anyway, love you all and miss you! Call, text, fly out... whatever you need to do to get in contact with me!

LURVE- J.M.S