Hello Brandon

Rachael told me you where in the market trying to find my blog. Well, if you found it, than congrats. If you didn't, than this post is pretty pointless.

It's interesting, really. Why would you want to read this old thing? It obviously hasn't been updated for quite some time. And, for good reason too. I'm not angry, sad, or depressed. Granted, these emotions happen through out one's life, but, not the crushing way they did while we dated.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting sole blame on you. My family went through the hardest trail during our dating and I wasn't controlling my depression the way I should have. However, having a distrusting, emotionally disconnected boyfriend didn't help either.

Life... Is interesting now. Re-reading this blog makes me smile. I was so stupid. Had I learned earlier that emotions weren't the bad guy, I'd be more like I am now. However, I meet someone very wise and he told me that emotions where human. There was no reason to try to run away from them, but embrace them and express them in a proper manner. It's made a world of difference. 

Things I've also learned: Love exists. And just because past relationships where awful and evil or however people describe them, doesn't mean you should stick with what you've dealt yourself. It can be better, you can find someone better. And, if I'm being honest, we should have broken up a long time before we actually did. 

Another tid bit: Accept yourself. From the highest of praises to the ugliest of remarks. If you can accept everything about yourself and find a reason to love yourself because you are what you are: Life is a lot more enjoyable. Acceptance is a marvelous thing. Apply it to everything else and it gives you inner peace. 

My apologies, back on topic: I'm sorry if you're still bitter. I understand why. Or maybe I don't, or you don't, and maybe that's why you're here. (assuming you found it.) There is good, bad, and down right depressing things about our relationship hidden in the nooks and crannies of this blog. And most of it, I've moved on from. (My anger about Adrian being one and my stupidity with others for another) I learned grudges are pointless. Being happy is not. Trying to improve yourself, your life, and others is a great feeling. And some days will be harder than others, but if you think: Will this really matter a year from now?? The answer will be no.

For instance: A year from now, will I still be sad that we're not friends? Well, a year could change a lot, and most likely, that answer will be no. A year from now, will you still be angry at me and putting all the blame on me? Probably not. Because a year from now, everything will be so different anyway, that it won't matter. And if it does... I hear that therapy can help with that. 

Mr. Johnson, I do hope you find happiness. You wrote a letter once saying that your mission president told you that you would have a wife and kids. Remember, she's still out that. (Though... you may have to branch out from Rachael...) And keep in mind that happiness is out there too. 

Remember that song? The song "You Could be Happy" by Snow Patrol? For the longest time, I thought it was my point of view on you, but maybe, now it's your point of view on me. Granted, I know you're still angry at me and hate me and I'm this evil thing that destroyed our relationship without trying at all. (your thoughts, I'm assuming, just not mine) But for all the nights you shut me out and pushed me aside, I played this song until it was engraved into my brain. However, now, I'm the one who left. (And I do apologize for how I did so, that was very wrong of me. I am sorry) So maybe, this song now reminds you of me. Or maybe, you've banned anything that has to do with me from your life. (and than again, why did you want to try and find this...) 

Either way, I do wish you happiness. I know your life has not been easy. I know you've trusted people and they had let you down. (one of the reasons I was shut out, you didn't want me in that group) But I know you can be happy. I know that life can be better for you. I know that someday you'll realize we where both young and wrong and stupid. (at least, those are my thoughts) because where we where than is not where we are now. We're different. We've changed (hopefully for the better) and life will be a series of lows and highs.

If you're ever ready to try and be friends again, let me know. However, until than, I will leave you alone as you wish. 

One line of the song will always ring true from my side: You could be happy, I hope you are. 

You could be happy

And I won't know.

You weren't happy

The day I 

Watched you go

And all the things that I wish I 

Had not said.

Are played in loops 'til it's madness

In my head.

Is it too late to remind you

How we where?

And not our last days of silence, 

Screaming, blur.

Most of what I remember

Makes me sure.

I should have stopped you from walking,

Out the door.

You could be happy,

I hope you are.

You made me happier than I'd

Been by far.

Somehow everything I own,

Smells of you

And for the tinest moment

It's all not true.

Do the things that you always

Wanted to

Without me there to hold you back

Don't think

Just do

More than anything I want to see you go

Take a glorious bite of the whole world

Nights Like This

Nights like this remind me of how much I hate that I don't change and nothing changes around me.

I'm still always alone.

I'm still questioning if God answers, or heck, even listens to peoples prayers.

I'm still wondering if I'm doing the right thing in almost every decision in my life. I feel like I can't do anything right for anyone... least of all myself.

I'm still stuck in the same spot I was two years ago.

I'm still feeling so hopeless about the future.

I'm still hurting others even if they don't know it. I'm breaking promises they try to make me keep. Why would they take away the only thing that makes things better?

I'm still standing still here when I wish I could just run away from everything.

I'm still pushing off things I should be doing, but am not.

I'm still standing on the line of what everyone wants me to be/expects me to be and what I want to be. I lean niether one way or the other... I just do enough to try and please both sides. And it sucks.

I'm still alone with my knowledge that pills and consoling don't solve my problems... A few perscriptions don't make the world better again. They take away your money for some expensive, un-tasty brain candies that make things worse.

I'm still screaming through my music, trying to see if anyone will get it.

I'm still a messed up little girl getting more screwed up in this big hopeless world.

Nights like this make me want to curl up and be left alone, yet have someone freakin' get it. I hate nights like this.

Leggings and Cars

My friend wrote a HUGE rant on girls who wore leggings either alone or with a mini skirt over it. His point that he got across was that girls who wore leggings where selling themselves as a sex item and than continued to compare girls to an expensive Ferrari and a hand-me-down car.
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A good girl, who doesn't wear leggings, is a Ferrari. A sexual girl, who wears leggings in such a way, is more like a hand-me-down car from your parents.
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...
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Does anyone else see why this is/could be offensive??
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One, this is a boy who wrote this, who admitted he knew nothing of fashion, but wanted to post a rant on what he thought... I don't have a problem with this, in fact, I wish I felt so strongly about something so stupid. (Such as leggings... Really?? Friggin' LEGGINGS??)
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But really, I guess what really got me is that he was being so harsh about something so very stupid. I think clothing is many things. It's a way to express yourself, keep yourself warm and make you really happy. So really, why should we judge anyone's style? If that's what they like, what they feel comfortable with, and what they want to wear... Who are we to tell them they're sexual, degrading, or any other horrible word??
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Yes, I understand. Low cut shirts, short skirts or shorts and belly baring shirts are not the best first impression of a girl. Likewise, a guy wearing short shorts and no shirt or a tight tank top might not be the best impression of him. But really, we don't know that person. The girl whose boobs are popping out of her shirt could still be a virgin and maybe a bit shy. She could be loose, she could be your neighbor, she could be your lawyer. Who knows?
--
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was so disappointed that this guy was making such a strong impression and strong accusation about a fashion fad. About something I've seen many women pull off in a classy fashion and just as many head dive into cement over. Why are people so judgemental?? Why are they so close minded? I get a lot of crap over "dark raccoon eyes" but I keep doing it because it makes me happy and feel like I look good... So who are we to say someone looks horrible? They're wearing what they're wearing obviously because they like it... so who are we to be jerks and tell them they look horrible?
--
First impressions are always tricky and differ from person to person... but honestly, try to get to know someone better before you stick a label upon them and take twice as long if the label you want to tag them with is something so degrading. -- As to the misour who so spitefully wrote an article about "skank" girls in leggings and then compared them to cars for their fashion likes... The next time I see you, I shall be wearing leggings. :)
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"The tune you hear is of those who want to stop their frowns, It's a battle song of those who will not allow anyone to bring them down. And when you hear the chorus soar, They can't be brought down by you anymore." J.M. Stetson

Pet Peeves

A rant on my top 10 pet peeves:

10) When people post a facebook status about me and the problems they have with me.

Firstly, if you have a problem with me and you've told me it, you don't need to rant it to the rest of the world. That's between you and me... Not you, me, and the 2000 friends you have on facebook.

Secondly, if you haven't told me you have a problem with me and than you post a status that's so obviously about me, than you should tell ME and again, not the 2000 friends you have on facebook. Really people? Grow the snot up.

9) Friends that want me to like everything they like.

There's no problem with sharing interests, but if I'm not interested and voice it, than you should be okay that we're into different things and not pressure me to be into and like everything you like... Okay? :)? Besides, differences are good!

8) Being picked up and carried.

Some of us are self conscious... being picked up doesn't help. If I tell you not to, than don't. :)

7) When people bottle up their feelings from me.

If you're mad at me, tell me. Lash out at me and let it all out. Bottling things up tend to make the feelings stronger and make it harder to get over. (I can't be too harsh though, I do this too...) But if I'm giving you full permission, than I'm telling you to please go ahead and tell me why you're mad and why I'm such a horrible person. I'd rather you do this than keep it all away from me as a way of trying to "spare" me. Really? Stupid people. Also, if you're sad, I want to know why and try to help... don't just shut me out, that hurts. :/

6) Emotional boys.

Sometimes, I just want boys to act like boys, not girls. If you're being more emotional than me (because I try to keep my emotions in check...) than it's time to ball up... Because sometimes, I just want to throw a chocolate bar, a bottle of Midol, and a box of tampons at guys and tell them, "Talk to me in a week when you're better."

5) "Fairytale" girls.

Those girls who want "happily ever after" without even trying for it or ending the story short because it's too much work and than "admire" you when you "have one"... they suck. Anyone who has a "fairytale" relationship worked really hard for it and I guarantee you there have been fights, yelling, tears, and hurt along the way. It's standing strong and trying to fix those things together that make a "fairytale".

4) People who can't keep secrets.

If I tell you something important or something I tell you that not many people know... I expect you to keep your mouth shut about it. If I tell you something alone and that I'm worried about, you shouldn't ask your family about it... let alone when I'm sitting right there next to you... Gaaah. :/

3) Being guilted into things.

If I have enough emotional attachment to you, than I can be guilted easily. "Oh, I guess you're going to hang out with her because she's more important than me." Really? Boyfriends shouldn't guilt you and neither should friends or family. I'm glad to say, anyone who's used this against me is now out of my life. :)

2) When people think they "know" me.

If you don't know everything about me, than you can't "know" me. I don't believe in someone knowing you better than yourself... That stuff is for romance novels and mushy love songs, not real life.

1) Being fake.

Anyone can be fake, but this problem relies mostly on myself. For some people, I feel forced to be fake and happy and sunshine 24/7, but mainly because I don't want them to see me sad or they freak out if I am. But sometimes, I wish someone tore these walls down without making me rebuild them stronger and taller again... it's not a very fun process. :(

Any pet peeves/thoughts from you guys? :)

Selfish Me Again...

Just when things where looking better... So very much better...

I was selfish yet again.

And screwed up.

A few things, actually.

I guess I feel flat.

Like a soda pop with all the bubbles shaken out of it.

Do I deserve it?

Completely.

Do I regret it?

Almost.

I like my privacy,

But I shouldn't have let my friend down.

I guess I just can't be selfish anymore.

I don't want to hurt people.

I don't want my friends to hate me.

But wearing this mask,

Of what people want me to be,

Verses what I really am,

It's so criminal.

Everyone has a different mask.

And very few people have seen the monstrosity of my face.

A few of them ran.

The amazing ones stuck around.

But even they have masks for when I can't face myself.

I'm so cliche,

But so is life.

Everybody walks around pretending to be what people want them to be,

And screaming into suffocation for people to see what they really are.

Watch Me Disappear...

What if I just stop caring about what people think? What if I just stop caring about judgements and expectations that I never deserved and never wanted? What if I just changed myself and didn't listen to the noise of people who obviously don't know me?

It's scary, yet almost exciting. What if I just say what I really think? Tell people what I really do or don't believe in? Just tell them straight up what I am.

For so long I've been trying to make people happy and do what they want me to do... what if I just don't try anymore?

I think people will be disappointed, sure. They'll realize I wasn't who I they thought I was and they'll have to watch something they thought the knew disappear...

...And see me reappear for what I am.

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--

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The magician,

-

is never who she truly says she is.

-

She's an illusion,

-

a smile and a wave of hand makes thousands clap.

-

She does exactly what they want to see and says exactly what they want to hear.

-

She makes the audience happy, and finds her value in their applause.

-

But after so many times of doing the same act,

-

the audience is unamused,

-

and the magician is worthless.

-

So, she tries her last act.

-

She makes herself disappear...

-

When she reappears,

-

the audience screams.

-

It's better than the applause,

-

that died out so long ago.

Standing and Falling

Part I: Standing

The Last One Standing

I inhale, yet cannot draw breath.
I scream, yet I cannot forget.
Your smile as we fought in war,
Our imminent defeat, you ignored.
So we fought on, yet this is so wrong,
For I am left standing, and your life is gone.

I cry, yet no tears stream down my face,
I choke, yet I still stand in place.
You’d look like you’re peacefully sleeping,
Save your blood into the ground is seeping.
In the end, it should’ve been you that was fine,
Yet it’s not me, but you, who died.

I grip my sword, yet yours lies still,
I swallow my hurt, yet it’s still there.
Why did you throw away your life to save mine?
I wasn’t worth your last good bye.
But before you lied still for forever, you told me this last truth:
“I couldn’t stand to live alone without you”

Your breathing was shallow,
For me, you threw your life in the gutter.
You say you wouldn’t change a thing,
And I see your eyes start darkening.
And you leave me far more broken than before,
For before you left, you uttered those three cruel words.

We’d been fighting side by side for years,
We knew of each other’s faults and fears.
My fault wasn’t watching my back,
And yours was taking my attack.
You apologized for nothing, save for leaving me alone,
For if you couldn’t live without me, how do you expect me to go on?

Yet those three horrible words,
You whispered before you left this world,
Keep me hanging on,
And keep me standing strong.
For when I see you once again,
I’ll take the words you gave me, and repeat them.

I doubt they’ll haunt you then as much as they do to me now,
But if you’re in my arms, it won’t matter anyhow.
For there must be a heaven, if we fight through this hell,
And I’ll again see your face that I know so very well.
You said that you loved me, and died before I could respond.
So “I love you too” will have to wait until I go with you to the beyond.

But for now I stand, and walk on to the next fight,
For if you gave up yours, I will than keep my life.
So one step turns into a few, and the few turn into hundreds,
I take your memory with me, and leave the rest of you in destruction.
For even though we are separated now, for now we’re apart,
You’re not forever in my memory, but forever carved in my heart.

-

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--

-

Part II: Falling

The First One Falling

We were going to lose, so I smiled and pressed on,
For now we were winning, and still fighting strong.
But the day was going on, and the battle was not done,
Our strength was running out, and we were on the run.
The attack that came for you, you would’ve never seen,
I felt myself moving, and ended my life at nineteen.

The move had been wrong, it had to be a mistake,
Yet I knew in my heart there was no other way.
The move was correct, and you were still alive,
And as the blood leaves my body, I watch you turn and fight.
I know you’ll be safe as reinforcements arrive,
And once they start fighting, you’re right at my side.

While falling, I pondered why I had done what I done,
Why did I save your life while mine would now soon be gone?
A million answers run through my brain,
My fall is slow as one answer remains the same.
I couldn’t lose you, I couldn’t lose my light,
For your light is what really saved my life.

We met on the streets, where children and adults were killed,
We made it out of that place, and learned a new skill.
For the only way to escape death was to handle a sword,
So we learned together and took on the world.
The battles where long but our friendship was longer,
For when either of us fell, the other one was forced to be stronger.

But the wounds always healed and the bleeding always stopped,
And as I reach the ground I know that this time I’m too chopped up.
This wound is fatal, and we won’t be walking away,
For you will go on to the next battle, and here I will stay.
But soon you’re by my side, as the world darkens in and out,
And I whisper the words for so long I danced about.

I love you, and couldn’t live without you by my side,
So I lost myself to give you another chance at life.
You look so hurt, and I feel so heavy with sleep,
So I close my eyes, and let myself go into a very long dream.
For one day, we will meet again, and once again be friends,
For our fates are tied together and we’ll know each other till the end.

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I wrote this a while ago, and while neither persons gender is not disclosed, I wrote with "Standing" as a guy and "Falling" as a girl when writing their point of view in poems. I didn't even realize I didn't specify which one was which gender until I finished both of them and I figured I might as well leave it up for the reader to decided.

Thoughts? Questions? Mm... Let me know. Just thought I'd post this bit of random after such a depressing post ten minuets earlier. (Although this isn't exactly a ray of sunshine either...)

Loves, hugs, and dynamite,

-Janaye

Loosing

I'm tired of loosing a battle that I shouldn't have to fight. I'm tired of being rejected for who I am and told to wear a mask of what people think I should be. I'm tired of smiling when I just want to lock myself away. I'm tired of judgement and criticism. I'm sick of good byes and being left behind.

I shouldn't have to fake who I am to be loved.

I shouldn't have to smile when I just want to scream at your face.

I shouldn't be judged and criticized for something I strongly believe in.

I shouldn't be the loser in every battle I face.

I shouldn't be left behind so often and forgotten so easily.

I shouldn't have to fight this hard for everything... and yet this is where every battle lies...

With people's expectations verses my wants and needs.

Guess who's loosing?

~-~-~-~-~

"What happens when the butterfly's wings are burned at the seams? Do we help her fly again, or watch her burn and scream?" -J.M. Stetson

"If I was all that I could be, Would you then love me? Despite the history Stupid things, I know the shame... I'm busting at the seams, To tell you everything, And it's scaring me. 'Cause nothing's sure And nothing makes sense anymore." -Abandoned Pools, "Goodbye Song"

"You can either sit and do nothing or fight for everything." -J.M. Stetson

‎"There is a fire in this heart in a riot about to explode into flames." -30 Seconds to Mars, "Hurricane"

Perfect is Never Good Enough

I am far from perfect, and I have many flaws that won't be fixed as fast as most people would like.

But... sometimes I wonder... When I try to change myself, do I do it to make me better or to make someone happy.

I guess I feel like I'm trying to impress or make someone happy when it just hurts me or makes me feel more false than I already am.

With some people, I try to be as flawless as I can. I dance around my own wants and needs to please them, and what happens? They're still unhappy. I either didn't try hard enough or wasn't perfect enough.

Almost perfect, but not quite... My current motto of life...

-sigh-

To these people I try to please so hard and end up failing every time... I almost wish I could voice my thoughts. No, I don't want to try anymore. No, I don't want to do this activity just to please you. No, I don't think just like you, and this is what I think instead. I just wish I could step back from them and try to find out what I need and what I determine to be right or perfect for me.

Finding perfection is like walking around in a light rain. At first, you enjoy the search for sunlight... but after a bit, the rain starts to seem a bit cold. After a while, it seems to be drizzling upon you and reaching a freezing temperature. Right now, I'm almost to the point of ignoring the search for the sun and trying to find the coldest, heaviest rain I can. Because even when striving for sunlight and walking and hiking and fighting for it, it never comes. I'm never the best. I'm never good enough. I'm never perfect.

I can't make anyone happy with me... not even myself. I haven't done something I've wanted to do without criticism, judgement, or harshness. I haven't done anything that would ruin my image of smiley, happy, bubbly Janaye. I go through the motions and in trying to find a way to please everyone, I please no one.

Maybe I'm just writing this out to rant my thoughts and map out what I think. I just... I wish I could be happy with myself. I wish I didn't feel forced to do things I shouldn't feel forced to do. I wish people could just accept me and not try to change me or punish me for going against what they think I should do. I wish I didn't have to be an example to anyone (friends, families, strangers or co-workers alike) and that I could just freakin' be real instead of happy bright sunshine when it's raining so dang hard.

I'm so close in just snapping and ending up hurting everyone, including myself... but this weight of subtle hints hidden in words and the beatings I get from disappointment are starting to obviously take their toll.

But, again, this all could be just from 3:00am and "everything looks better in the morning", or maybe it's because it's night and I've failed at being perfect today. But most likely, it's because this rant runs through my head every night I fall asleep and I question how do I change all of this?

And every morning I wake up without an answer or the same answer that never works.

Change.

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“In trying to make everybody happy, you’ll only end up making somebody miserable.” –J.M. Stetson

"Looking at you is like looking into a mirror and unfortunately, I hate what I see. I am not so narcissistic as to love my reflection, but am cruel enough to hate it." –Anonymous

"When will I finally finish what I’ve been trying to kill all these years? The destruction it could bring will be my greatest fear… So now I choose if I slay my disguise or give into hiding behind a mask of lies." -J.M. Stetson

"We where the kings and queens of a promise. We where the victims of ourselves. Maybe the children of a lesser God, between heaven and hell." -30 Seconds to Mars, "Kings and Queens"

"I'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning." -Motion City Soundtrack, "Together We'll Ring in the New Year"

"No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leave, No matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe. No matter how many nights did you lie wide awake to the sounds of the poison rain... There's a fire inside of this heart in a riot about to explode into flames... This hurricane is chasing us all underground." -30 Seconds to Mars, "Hurricane"

Home Alone

I’m

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getting
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used to being
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lonely, I’m learning
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to like to be left alone.
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But than why do all these letters,
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From friends I’ve once known, increase
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my feelings of being alone? Shouldn’t their words
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make me feel at home? No, instead, I’m left feeling empty,
---------

I’m left feeling dread, for these friends left me alone in the end.
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Yes, they did as they were supposed to, and I guess I’m doing fine,
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But I just wish that I could still call them mine. God has his reasons,
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and I have to live by his time, But why am I left alone and trying to
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play it off fine? These walls are so empty and these windows are
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so dead, and I walk alone inside of my head. For those who
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where my friends, aren’t with me till the end. I guess I
----

should stop these tears, I guess I should fall asleep,
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and learn to not depend on people, who
--

Are never truly mine to keep.
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The end.

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In case you couldn't see, that's a tear drop. I'm tiered of crying.

--

Yesterday, I got a letter from Braden and today, I got letters from Cody and Brandon and a package from Brandon... I hate being so alone...

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I don't understand myself. I hate getting letters from my friends. They make me cry and feel so terrible... maybe because everything they write reminds me of what I'm missing... My home.

Dear Joel Nelson:

Did you know you're very important to me? Because you are. Right now, you're the only friend I have left in Utah who knows a lot about me. You're really the last bit of sunset while I see everything else go dark in my life.

I have things I would like to tell you, but the words fumble on my tongue or they twist themselves around in my mind until they are broken and distorted.

Joel, thanks so much. Thanks so much for being my friend. Thank you for keeping my secrets and knowing just how to make me smile truly... which is quite a task as of lately. Thanks for understanding that sometimes I just have to have someone listen while I rant out a problem and explore the different solutions. Thanks for giving me hugs when I just want to be left alone and you didn't even know it. Thanks for making me find a way to trust someone again.

Mr. Nelson, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life is so hard right now. I'm sorry that you feel like you must carry everything on your own. I want you to know that if you need a friend, that I'm always here for you. You've done a lot for me that you might not even realize and I'm just trying to catch up with the debt that I owe you. I hope one day, my debt can be repaid and we can still be friends for a long, long time.

Joel, you're an amazing guy who deserves only happiness. All this white noise you're going through, whatever it might be, little or gigantic, will clear. Things will look up. Things will get better if you just hold on tight while the world spins dizzing-ly fast. If you have to, hold on tight to me, because I'll keep you grounded if you let me.

I hope you're okay. I hope you find a way to keep still as it seems like mostly everything is out to hurt you. I don't know what's going on, and I don't know if I ever will, but even if you don't want to tell me anything, I'll just sit by you if you want. Tell me how to make things better and I will because I can't loose you.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been distancing myself from you. I'm sorry that I'm scared about having a new friend that could just pick up and leave anytime like the others. I'm sorry that I'm being selfish and asking you to stay strong when I need you to stay strong for me... because I'm so weak by myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you as much as I'd like to be and possibly as much as you'd need someone to be.

Joel Nelson, I wish you luck. I wish you best of luck in getting through this. I wish you happiness and laughter and for you to get old with a bunch of people you love and people who love you.

I know you don't believe in God, so I won't say that I'll keep you in my prayers, but tonight and the rest of the nights we're still friends, I'll keep you in my heart instead.

Sincerely, with much emotion and apology,

Janaye Stetson

I Like to Laugh

So, I've been very depressing, but, this blog is where I vent and I'm going to try to change that. Well, I like to laugh, so, here's some links to videos where my laughter is found.

Enjoy.


By: JacksFilms
Title: Your Editing Lacks Continuity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSnCu43QzeY&feature=channel
My Notes: I actually like a lot of JacksFilms, and this one just makes me laugh every time. :)

By: The Hillywood Show
Title: Eclipse Parody
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cue1lwqe7zQ
My Notes: Yeah, I'm the twilight hater, but this video is funny, pokes fun at twilight, and has some pretty freakin' awesome dance moves.

By: Nigahiga
Title: Word of the Day: Bromance
http://www.youtube.com/user/nigahiga#p/u/7/Uv7SUncOAAQ
My Notes: There is a reason Nigahiga is the most subscribed person on youtube.com

By: The Japanese (???)
Title: Funny Japanese Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfzNEmqeIWo
My Notes: What the heck are the Japanese trying to sell... and what stratigy are they using that works?!

These are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head, but I will try to break up the angst with more randomness/happiness.

K, thx, bai.

Two Faced

I am tired of all this noise that doesn't do anything but frustrate me.

The noise of girls crying out for a prince without wanting to put any work into finding one. Of guys who can't pull themselves together to face themselves. I am tiered of having people that lean on me, yet having no one to return the favor.

I'm tiered of feeling left behind and useless as my guy friends serve missions. I'm tiered of going through everything alone and being so alone in everything. I smile, I laugh, I make jokes... and sometimes, I just want to drop this stupid mask of giggles and scream, scream, and scream.

I shouldn't have gotten so dependant on people who where never mine to keep anyway.

---

--

-

"Every angel has a demon,

Every coin has two sides,

And every person chooses,

Which face they show,

and which one they hide."

--J.M. Stetson

---

I hate you.

You're fake.

Flawed.

Useless.

You try to make everyone happy,

Yet only cause more pain.

I hate you.

You can only smile,

laugh,

giggle.

It's sickening,

The way you let people see you.

And I hate you.

I hate everything about you.

So flawed.

You don't even know what you want in life.

So happy.

You don't ever frown in any situation.

So fake.

Nobody sees you at your darkest point.

And therefore...

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate that this reflection,

Shows us what we really are.

Fake.

Flawed.

Useless.

And as I look you in the eyes,

And your eyes look yourself in the eyes,

Tell me...

If you don't like what you see,

Why don't you change us?

The answer always leaves a bitter taste in our mouth.

Because there is nothing else we could fake as well as happiness.

--J.M. Stetson

---

--

-

Obviously, I just don't like myself, yet can't find another person to be other than what I am. Someone once said, "Don't like your life? Burn it to ashes, start again." How so? With a new job? A new place? I'm not sure...

But I hope to find a way to start again soon.

Empty Screaming

I feel empty... I think now it's setting in that everyone I trusted most is gone, and now I have nobody to lean on.

I wish I could put into words what my heart is screaming at me so harshly.

---

"Everyone thinks that I have it all,
But it's so empty living behind these castle walls.
If I should tumble if I should fall,
Would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls?
There's no one here at all,
Behind these castle walls. "
-Christina Agulira, Castle Walls

"It's amazing to watch your life burn to ashes in front of your eyes... You don't know whether to cry at the disaster or laugh, for you where the one to set it afire." -Unknown

False Jusdgements and Harsh Critizism

Why do people find it okay to lash out on me when it's a subject they know so very freakin' little of??

Ashley, you don't know EVERYTHING that happened. Yeah, I didn't go to his farewell, but if I wasn't talking to him for over a YEAR, do you really think not talking to him for another two is going to make me go to his farewell??

We're not friends, and from the way he treated me in the past, he never was my friend. He lied, gossiped, called me horrible names, and spread rumors about me that weren't true. Why would I want to go to his farewell? Give me on freakin' good reason.

And Rachael, I don't care if he was an "original Plankwalker"... I don't even understand why you're so "upset" that he's leaving. The only time you talked of Adrian to me was to whine and complain about how he kept hitting on you or making you uncomfortable when you told him to stop. Yet now that he's leaving, it's tragic.

Why can't people see that I'm not mad at him, I just can't be his friend? I want to keep him a stranger and if you can't accept that, than ignore the topic or move on so I don't have to deal with your judging.

Who are you to tell me I'm immature? Who the HECK are you to tell me that I could've "gotten over this" if I didn't hold a grudge?! It's NOT a grudge, it's a mistake I won't make again. I won't be "friends" with someone who throws our "friendship" to the ground for any advantage he sees in it for himself. Don't even tell me how I feel (Rachael) don't tell me I'm being immature (Ashley) and don't even hold a judgement against me. I'm tiered of it and I don't deserve it from friends (Rachael) and I defiantly don't deserve it from mostly strangers. (Ashley)

To end this rant of hurt and spite, I leave you two girls with this:

Screw. You.

--

"I choose to keep you in the dark.

I choose to keep this story under wraps.

All I ask is that you keep your false judgements and harsh criticism to yourself on this subject that you know so little of.

I don't show you the light and I don't take off the bandages because I'm mature enough to keep it to myself.

Please be mature enough to shut your mouth."

--J.M. Stetson

--

Thoughts as Broken as Myself

I'm not single, but I'm not taken.

I am, simply, empty.

I hurt... mainly at night. One person used to always call me goodnight... and now... now, I bid the empty rooms goodnight. I tell my silent phone to sleep well, and I tell myself to not dream.

Dreams tend to hurt more than usual, lately.

I tend to try to forget people when I can't cope with them being gone.

Braden.

Cody.

Brandon.

Forgetting you is the most cowardly thing to do, yet it is the only way I can keep a smile on my face.

Funny, isn't it? To forget the ones that cause you happiness in order to feign your own?

As I say, in life, you build, break, and build again. It's a life long process... whether others break you or if you break yourself...

...

Brandon was able to call from the airport before he flew out to Arizona.

It hurt. It hurt so much. The way we talked of simplicity and joked around and stayed away from all serious subjects or turned them into jokes like we always do.

It hurt... gosh dang it hurt so much.

Yet, I'm so glad I answered, even though it hurt.

...

Everyone tells me I shouldn't wait, or worse, that I won't. What's so bad in wishing for a fairytale? In trying to believe in their existence?

Everyone says I should believe in "happily ever after"... so why are they discouraging me when I think I've found it?

I tell myself that when someone doubts me, I just need to put twice that amount of faith in myself.

Let's just say I have a lot of faith in myself now.

Thanks for the faith Stacey, Mom, Sjanne, and the countless others that have told me and will tell me that my fairytale ended before it began. Thanks for making me chase harder for something that is still so very far away.

...

I'm afraid to forget.

I'm afraid that I'll forget his smell, or his smile, or his laugh. I'm afraid that I won't remember his voice, or the way he talks, or the way his hand feels in mine. I'm afraid I won't remember the jokes he likes or the foods he doesn't. I'm afraid I won't fit in his arms as perfectly as I used to. I'm afraid that he won't be able to be what I call home anymore and I'm afraid that he'll end up alone and keep all his wonderfulness to himself if he doesn't end up with me. I'm not afraid of being alone, but for his sake and for some lucky girl, I hope he marries and has kids that all look like him.

Most of all, I'm afraid that when I see him and when he sees me, we won't know each other at all...

However, if that's the worst that can happen, I'm okay with that.

What's so bad about delaying (or avoiding all together...) marriage?

Or who knows, maybe I'd have him for eternity...

Maybe not.

It's all so questionable right now.

...

I don't know what I believe in, as of religion. I've grown up with a mindset that I am, no matter what I do or no matter what I have done, condemned.

Perfection will never be good enough.

...

I am afraid of change, yet afraid of staying the same... Why can't I just be in a coma for two years??

..

Red is the ultimate color of sadness... someone wise said that... I can't remember who.

...

I am made of marigolds and wormwood. In this bouquet, I hope to add daisies, if it is possible to make it so.

MY FEELINGS IN OTHERS WORDS

My heart was always her's to hold, but sadly never her's to keep..."

"Time together isn't ever quite enough, when you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home." -Owl City

I've caught your hand – I've caught you – but suddenly, somehow, everything was in the way.

"I see your face in strangers on the street, I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep. And in the lime light, I play it off fine, but I can't handle it when I turn off my nightlight. They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me." -Ke$ha "The Harold Song"

"Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow. There's something out there, far from my home, a longing that I've never known..." -Jack from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

"And breathing is a foreign task, and thinking is too much to ask, and you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights." -Dashboard Confessional, The Brilliant Dance

"I'm burning and I'm blacking my lungs, but you know it feels good with fire back on your tongue." -Panic! At the Disco

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." -J.E. Jones

"The courses of true love never did run smooth." -Shakespeare

IN MY OWN WORDS...

"I ran through out the skies, But I must awake from this sleep. For a demon from hell, Heaven can't keep." -J.M. Stetson

‎"I was doing fine, I pushed your memory from my head, only to have you rammed forcefully back in. My heart once again cringed, my head once again reels, and all the hidden emotions I once again feel." -J.M. Stetson

‎"She now knows what is worse than dying, and it's being the only one left standing." -J.M. Stetson

‎"Even if I have to become your enemy, I will protect you. I will fight your battles and die for you too. You are the sun in my life. Without you, there would be no point to grace the world with my endless night. So even if you hate me and push me away, Please... just don't die." -J.M. Stetson

"We're all like a lunar phase, we all go through life long change... but what if we could stay the same? If me and you could always be this way, by my side, would you stay or go away?" -J.M. Stetson

The Brilliant Dance

"So this is odd.
The painful realization that all is gone wrong.
That nobody cares at all.
And nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lovers cloths,
And burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn't make it any better,
Does it make it any better?

And the plaster dented from your fist,
In the hall where you had your first kiss,
Reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance,
Where nobody leads at all.
Where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down,
And the ringing from this empty sound,
And keeping you from sleep.

And breathing is a foreign task,
And thinking is too much to ask,
And you're measuring your minuets by a clock that's blinking eights.

Well this is incredible,
Starving insatiable,
Yes this is love for the first time,
Would you like to think that you were invincible?
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
This is the last time.
This is the last time. "

--Dashboard Confessional

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2HlAAuCvlg

The Meaning of Life

One of the most sought out answers among those who still walk among us. A text message to most of my contacts in my phone brought many answers. You may choose the best among them as your own meaning of life.

42

The meaning of life is to learn that death is not the end, that we will transcend death according to how we live in life.

SEX!

Butter

Love. Finding it, what it is, and what it means to you. Loving that person, loving family, friends, and everyone. But more important... yourself.

Make people happy and have fun!!

To build, break, and build again. However, everytime you shatter, you must rebuild yourself stronger.

To do the best with the one you get! :)

To follow Gods commandments and to achieve everlasting life.

Whatever your heart wants it to be!

To make babies. Duh!

42!

Don't know... there are many reasons.

Meaning is assigned. :) There is no inherent meaning.

42

Cheese.

I would say food, haha! I'm kidding. More like family and friends.

Oh, I want to say sex. :) And if you don't like that, it can be whatever you want it to be. :)

I don't know, if I knew, I'd be happy with mine!

Siren blood curse.

To hear someone say "I love you" and mean it.

Build, Break, and Build Again

The afternoon before Brandon left, he promised he would call me to say good bye.

Too bad he didn't.

I eventually ended up calling him in the morning, only to basically find out he wasn't planning on calling me last night.

...

Ouch.

My heart always feels a bit tighter when I remember this. Was... I not worth calling? Why couldn't I get a reason, or a heads up? Why do I care? I should let him go, right?

Yeah, well for that phone call, we where supposed to decided what "we" where going to do.

So now, I'm holding onto thin words and hidden promises that are half broken.

I haven't bothered to write him. If I do, I think it would be angst, and I don't want to unleash everything that's a blue hot flame inside of me.

No, I think I'll keep caged up for a long time... longer than two years, for all you wondering.

Mainly, I think I'm reacting to all of this with anger, because if I push it aside, I know I'll just be a wreck of tears and mess of snot.

After I hung up with Brandon, I had to catch a bus to work. On this bus, a mentally handicap man was was talking to a girl. I saw in my periphal vision that he pointed at me and said,

"See that girl there? She is beautiful. That girl is beautiful, georgeous she is. So beautiful."

Yeah, that brought back tears into my eyes, (Brandon always answered my phone calls and greeted me with "Hey beautiful) so I bowed my head and started to cry, and suddenly his voice got really quite and said,

"I had a female friend who had a boyfriend break up with her and she was just so sad. It really hurt her. She said her heart felt shattered and she was just so beautiful."

Ha, how did he know how I felt so easily? I would've hugged him if I wasn't so emotionally screwed.

Work was okay. It didn't take my mind off things (I guess people noticed my pink eyes even though my smile was as wide as ever) and wanted to know what was wrong.

A laugh turned them away, but still, the concern in their faces really touched me.

I want to hide away again. A mask of stone doesn't work too well for me. Everyone already knows me as the smiley one, so I will stay that way. Always. I want to lock people out. I think I just need some time to just depend on myself and myself alone.

No boys.

No girls.

No family nor friends.

It's time for me to build, break and build again.

Leaving Fairytales

The sun shone bright,
And my smile was easy to find.
I could laugh again,
And you were always at my side.

I was in a fairytale.

You knew all my sorrows,
My tears where always dried.
You made me smile again,
When all I wanted to do was cry.

I was in a fairytale.

You know me inside out,
You always where so great.
We shared everything,
Until December eighth.

You made my life a fairytale.

You made me happy,
You made me smile.
You made me feel,
You made life worthwhile.

You made my life a fairytale,
But I must awake from this sleep.
For even a demon from hell,
Heaven can't keep.

So I let you go,
And I really cried.
But I always knew,
Our love had an end time.

Our fairytale was beautiful,
Even without a happily ever after.
For all the tears we cried,
We had twice as much laughter.

And as I sit alone in tears I wonder,
Which is worse of these two things?
To leave everything behind,
Or have your everything leave?